I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

What do you mean he likes being a kept man? what does that mean?

No SAHD is a SAHD to an under 3? Of course it happens and works...

Have you ever spent a full day, from say 7am until 6pm, looking after a couple of kids, OP? With no help.

That includes getting them up, breakfast made and eaten (one wants toast, the other wants porridge. Crusts off or she'll scream. The porridge gets chucked on the floor and it's now in his hair while you were cutting off crusts.)

Then there's clear up. One hates having his face washed while the other is trying to climb into the sink. Neither want their teeth brushed. There is screaming. It's only 8am. Your coffee is cold and you've had no breakfast yet.

You get them dressed. The older toddler wants to choose her own clothes, which includes a Spiderman costume. Would be fine but it's thin and the weather is shit. Meanwhile the younger toddler doesn't want to get dressed at all.

9am and they're finally dressed. You've swilled back a cold coffee now, though. Time for the park. One is old enough to walk. The other is in the pram still. The older one won't put on her coat and the younger one doesn't want to get in the pram.

You finally get to the park, and all is fine. They run around and you run around. It's what they needed. The issue comes when it's home time. They don't want to go, so there's a debacle about pram/coats again.

Lunch goes okay, but it's messy. One wants tuna sandwiches (again, no crusts), the other wants pasta but you're having pasta for dinner. They accept soup and bread after bribery. You manage to ram a sandwich down your own gob with the remainders of the tuna.

Afternoon crafts! The youngest is asleep, the oldest wants to make a collage! Glitter, glue, chaos. It's fun though, but she gets bored earlier than expected and now she wants to play with her loud toys. You try to offer other activities, this causes a huff. Youngest wakes up.

You get them both down on the floor to read them a story and cuddle. It goes well, but now you're a horse and your thighs are burning from crouching, and how are they so heavy?

They're getting hungry again now. It's almost dinner.

Where's that 3 course meal coming from, again?

Obviously, there's plenty of joy in there too. But that's not to mention the random "I banged my knee", "I've done a poo", "I want to watch Paw Patrol".

I’m hoping you’ll update this thread in say, ten years time with how your fantasy actually turned out.

Because your whole post was a patronizing sermon spouting a romanticised and self-aggrandizing version of what you imagine stay-at-home parenting to be, directed at women who have already been living the reality that your fantasy imitates for years.

It’s like you expected everyone’s heads to swivel and eyes to widen at the idea that A Man could or would want to parent his own children, and not only that, do it in a way most women are too sensible to imagine is possible. Not only that, in your fantasy you’re not just doing what many men have done before you, you’re some kind of pioneer.

You came across as pompous, narcissistic and deluded, while expecting praise for wanting to do what literally millions of women already do without acting like they should get a bronze statue for it, which makes it sexist too, despite you obviously seeing yourself as one of the greatest feminists alive today.

HTH.

That would mean you both need to have jobs where you can go part time. Your fictional future partner might not be able to go part time, or not want to. Or want to take a year off to be home with a baby.

That's why those decisions are usually made once you are in a relationship, not before you even have a partner.

The baby can be bottle-fed as well as breastfed, it's not exclusive. How else do you think baby would be fed during the day

Part time jobs, mainly retail let's be honest - often still require full flexibility.

There is no bloody baby!!
This thread is crazy.
Come back when you actually have a pregnant girlfriend/wife then you might be taken seriously.

depends on circumstances dosent it - also how attached the kid is to their mother

if a woman posted this saying "i need a man who earns loads of money, wants kids and i want to just be a stay at home parent", would be uproar!

Your body does not give the same in to this though - the impact on a woman's body - on average- is huge- so no you have not invested as much of yourself in to the creation of the child.

And there is no moral right to being a sahp. As I said in my earlier post there are calculations that are individual to each couple to this decision.

Being part time is not the same as being a sahm. Thats why you're being asked about that so much.

How come if you want to be a sahd then that's the priority but if the woman wants to be the sahm then tough shit it's part time for you. Why should your wants and dreams trump hers?

Is this a real post? Surely not.

It isn’t unusual to see people post that on here. There was one just recently titled something like ‘Do I need to marry someone in finance if I want to be a SAHM?’

Yes! This!

If we both want to parent, then the only fair thing is for both of us to go part time. It isn't fair for either of our needs to trump the other's, we're equal adults in a marriage.

@sussexcoast98 I'd stop talking now 😬

A lot of people assume incorrectly that because of my line of work I out earn him significantly and meet our material needs. They joke he’s a “kept man” when in reality he’s anything but (and our friends know he works full time hence the joke). Because of maternity leave and the gender pay gap I don’t - I earn a lot less than him despite working longer hours in a higher pressure environment (he fully admits this!) It means if one of us was to stay home for an extended period of time it would have to be me for financial reasons (although realistically we can’t afford for me to do that! We both have to work!)

I do love that there are some fair posters on here. Needles in a large haystack, but noticeable.

This is the real thrust of your argument.

I won't pretend to be an expert but in reality, marriage requires compromise. Mostly, things won't be 50 50 and frankly, good luck finding part time jobs for both of you that will work for the baby's needs.

Honestly. It sounds like you don't want to work all that much.

A baby might refuse a bottle, mine did! How a baby is fed is the mother’s choice regardless. You can’t demand bottle feeding. A baby isn’t something you own just because you’re it’s father.

I would definitely be working - bloody hard at home, as everyone is telling me!

It is about the type of work I want to do - and I want to be a part of my chid's early years and help them develop.

Do you feel like making a 3 course meal with candles after a day at work? Because there’s a pretty similar reason that those of us who are SAHP’s aren’t doing everything that job entails then rustling up some restaurant style dinner in the hope of getting laid.

Zero issue with you wanting to be a SAHP, but I’d need serious extra help if I was to make it the experience you seem to think it can be.

Does a Mum that wants to SAH 'not want to work that much'? Are you saying that the daily 6am-6pm that I keep reading is not a grind then?

Does a Mum that wants to SAH 'not want to work that much'? Are you saying that the daily 6am-6pm that I keep reading is not a grind then?