I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

You opened stating you'd "like some female opinion". It does not appear that you really did want actual female opinions.

As long as you'd say the same about a woman wanting the same thing?

And do you or have you ever had a girlfriend? Promise this will be the last time asking, because if you don’t answer I’ll just take it as a no. And that opens up a whole other can of worms about how you actually view women, since you’ve planned out a whole life of motherhood and high paying job to keep you for one without having even had an adult relationship in the first place…

Good luck trying to find a woman who will help you fulfil your fantasy of being a stay-at-home dad @sussexcoast98 😆

I imagine most women will run a mile from you if they read this thread!

I don't know what on earth you were thinking posting this! I am legit cringing for you! 😖

@NeverDropYourMooncup · Today 18:30

What a lot of words to say 'I don't particularly want to have a job when I grow up'.

Yep this! ^ Not very appealing to any woman IMO. If I met a man who wanted to be nothing other than a stay at home dad, I would run a mile!

.

I think there is a reason why you are single...

How old are you?

Your initial post read a bit like a fantasy, and rather over the top with comparisons to Rosa Parks, but the ambition to be a sahp is definitely not something to be ashamed of and it’s good to recognise what you want as early as possible in life.

I know both men and women who I would describe as having a particular natural ability with children, it’s lovely to see. Most of us just muddle through the best we can, which is not to say we don’t love our kids deeply! That said, it’s a sensitive area and no one likes to have their parenting skills criticised, even implicitly. It’s good to recognise you have a gift here, hopefully you already know to be careful and sensitive in how you discuss it.

The reality is that few people want to be a sahp and few want to be sole earner. Both are really tough. Going into a relationship saying you want to not earn for many years is a hard sell for either sex, probably still much harder for men. It’s just not practical for many families to survive on one salary these days. However, I can think of many families where both work 3-4 days per week and share childcare. I can think of a couple of families where mum is the main earner and dad holds most of the mental load for the family, but both parents work. Going into a relationship saying you are really positive about having kids and everything that entails is a huge plus for many people!

In your shoes, I’d focus on building a stable career that can offer flexible working and a good work life balance, and that might tolerate a few years out. A flexible career gives you the best chance of being able to focus on family stuff if and when the time comes, without necessarily throwing away your prior experience and ability to earn. I’d give the same advice to a woman with your preferences, btw.

I know quite a few SAHDs, many of them in same-sex relationships where an adopted child has additional needs and one of them has to stay at home. They all went into it with their eyes wide open as to how hard it would be. Although some of them do indeed manage to make a candlelit meal for their DP on special occasions.

I'm not sure OP is realistic about how unrelenting it is to be a SAHP but I'm willing to cut a small amount of slack there given that I had equally unrealistic plans for what I would do on mat leave.

But the patronising tone, self-aggrandisement and butthurt responses to anyone who laughed makes me feel like this guy is not ready for a toddler 😄OP if you can't cope with the feedback here try offering an overtired three year old the banana that was their favourite yesterday.

Why is that then?

Nature. If you go back thousands of years you will see that mothers are the primary carer in 99%of cases. That's not to say men can't have a hands on role and be fantastic fathers, they can. But when you take into consideration the effects of pregnancy breastfeeding, mother/ baby bonding, do you really have to ask? I actually think you are here on the wind up to cause offence so therefore I'm not taking anything you say seriously. I don't care if you think I'm sexist.

Would it get the same reaction if a woman had those dreams? Why is looking after a family unattractive if a man does it?

Has social conditioning really brainwashed you that much?

For the 110,000th time.

Like all SAHDS that do it, it will be AFTER her maternity leave.

The bonding and breastfeeding will be done during that time, and if she chooses, during her home times if she wants to.

You know how most SAHD's do it? Just WANTING to do that, the same way some women WANT to look after their children for a few years.

Still working through the full thread but at a vet, or AS a vet? Reason I ask is because you’ll probably find that the gender pay gap and general cost of living means a lot of families simply cannot afford for one parent to stay home, even less so the man if he’s in a profession. (Not to say admin staff or support staff at a vets office don’t work hard - they definitely do! Just don’t tend to get paid as well as a vet!) My husband and I both work in professional jobs - he earns £10k more than me. We’d struggle to have one of us stay at home, even though sometimes I’d love to, but him staying at home would be even more difficult than me financially as he earns more. There is a really high percentage of mental health issues with vets due to the long hours, poor treatment from owners etc. are you maybe burnt out and looking for change? Not to say you can’t feel this way (although the analogies chosen have been poorly thought out and the sex in return for running the household was very creepy…) but until you’re in the trenches you just don’t know. I wanted to stay at home, I really really did!! But now we’re in the midst of toddlerhood I’m glad I have balance. (And so is our bank account 😂) Not to say I don’t love my DD, I really do!! But when she’s telling me all about the adventures she’s had and the friends she’s played with, or when she’s being a typical toddler and pushing every button I’m glad for both of us that she’s getting those opportunities and I have a mental break!

Omg hilarious 😂

What's maternity leave got to do with it. You can't argue with nature. You think the woman's work of pregnancy/ birth/ child rearing stops after 12 months. You have a lot to learn.

What if she decides half way through maternity leave that she is staying at home instead of you? Your woman seems not to have a mind of her own in your fantasy.

AT the vet, as a veterinary assistant.

So what if this theoretical woman you've dreamed up wants a man on a good income?

To put this to bed once and for all, I have had one girlfriend in my life when I was 19, until I was 22 (so none for four years now). I did mention the idea about this to her, which she thought was sweet.

The reason our relationship broke up, is, obviously, none of your business, but the long and short of it is that our hobbies were incompatible and we wanted to spend our free time very differently. It just wasn't working.

Took my partner three days after the birth of our first (2.5 in hospital) to backtrack on his statement that he’d be a SAHD. he went out and got a job with 13 hour shifts not long after!

Naivety is a wonderful thing but I think perhaps your ego might get in the way of parenting ….. Rosa parks indeed 😂😂😂

Then she can find somebody else, based on her own preferences? She would have known what I did when we met and how that related to her income.

Not every man will be the Buckinghamshire £120K 'DH' every 'Netter wants, I'm afraid.

We'd have the GDP of the US if they did😂

I imagine you are very good with elderly people as well op - your caring qualities and housekeeping skills are exemplary. Your career focused wife (or sisters) will be thankful when you take over the bulk of caring responsibilities for elderly parents and in-laws. As you say 'social conditioning has brainwashed society'. Well done you!

And why did he backtrack? Didn't want the responsibility?

I did not read the full thread because I can just about imagine how that went after your opening post, but here's a concrete idea: go to receptions where there's diplomats.

Someone who wants to stay at home is the ideal diplomatic spouse ;-).