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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'd like to be a SAHD...

951 replies

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 16:19

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

OP posts:
Hoardasurass · 18/09/2024 18:54

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 18:02

Again, that is an evasive smokescreen as you cannot argue that statement is incorrect.

It was saying in a nutshell that a woman choosing to parent is hard working and a man choosing to parent is lazy.

Despite many saying that the parenting is the harder part, contradicting the idea of laziness.

If I come across as 'angry' it is because there is nothing I value less than inequality and double standards, and what I feel to be discrimination, and I will challenge that to my last breath if I see it.

As a predominantly female site I am stunned that there would be such a pushback on someone fighting for these values (equality etc), but I assume that as I am a man, and men have been the source of their discrimination since the Dawn of time, it will never be easy for a woman to embrace a man behaving this way, or believe he means it.

I totally understand that.

Clearly you've never been on a sahm thread they're brutal your getting an easy time here. Perhaps you should read some and then come back to this thread and apologise for your arrogant presumptive rant about inequalitie and double standards 🤣

Fluufer · 18/09/2024 18:55

goestheweasel · 18/09/2024 18:53

Have you ever discussed this with a real life woman?

Has he ever discussed anything with a real woman...?

Perhaps his mum?

standardduck · 18/09/2024 18:57

I know lots of SAHD - quite common where I live. But I can't think of any who planned on doing it even before being in a relationship. It usually just happens once you have kids, if that's what works the best for your family.

They were all very high earners before becoming SAHDs though. Same as their wives.
Do you have a good job? Significant savings?
Do you have a partner already?

I am not sure why, but your posts come across quite angry and almost as if you were envious of women. Maybe it's a language barrier though as English is not my first language. But whether you want to be a SAHD or not, you'll probably put off a lot of potential partners by the way you come across.

CheekyHobson · 18/09/2024 18:58

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

Reality: You've spent the day running from pillar to post as you juggle the 7-month-old's naps, feeds, tummy time, burping, etc with the 3-year-old's Wriggle and Rhyme session, a short play date, getting ground-in Play-Doh out of the carpet and walking the dog. You make one dinner for the baby, another for the preschooler who is going through the 'beige stage' and throw together some chops and veg for you and your wife.

She gets home at 7pm after a brutal rush hour and gives you a play-by-play on an insufferable meeting she sat through, enough so that you feel like you were there yourself. While she takes the baby to bed, you quickly clean up the kitchen while the preschooler watches Bluey then you read them a story and spend the next hour getting them to stay in bed.

Meanwhile your wife has a shower and a G&T and suddenly starts feeling in the mood. You've had the baby clinging to you all day so you're all touched out, not to mention you're fucking rinsed, so the thought of having to get it up and spend half an hour licking her to orgasm seems like one more task on your never-ending list of tasks to do. You fake a headache and head to bed early because you know the baby will be up at least twice and there's a good chance the toddler will be up once too. As you're the SAHD, night wakings are your job. After all, money for that Playstation game that is your only zone-out tool right now isn't going to earn itself, is it?

JudgieJudie · 18/09/2024 19:01

My friend was a stay at home dad, but his partner was earning loads and he was not, so it suited them. You need to find a high earner, who doesn't want to bring up the children 💁

Chronicallyknackered · 18/09/2024 19:02

It's possible. I used to manage a guy, late 30s who took shared parental leave. His wife took 2 weeks, he took 50.
He was a brilliant dad, running the household, whilst wife worked through a busy season.
I think it was more circumstances that led them too, but sure helped his bond with his daughter.
Consider finding an employer who has an equal shared parental pay policy, but they are few and far between.
Ultimately it will be down to you and your partner at the time to agree.

JudgieJudie · 18/09/2024 19:04

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 16:37

Thank you for being one of the few comments that seem to recognise my innocence and sincerity.

I am going to have to write a clarification post for a few things aren't I?

I have always babysat and looked after young family members and every last one of them have said what a natural I was and how I had a calling for it - heads literally turned in the room when they saw the way I interacted with a child I barely knew, and how they responded to me. A few times they refused to go to family gatherings if I wasn't there!

I guess I will have to respond to comments individually to address misunderstandings and to prevent my post being blocked :(

May I ask what job you have now? Do you work with children?

Goodadvice1980 · 18/09/2024 19:05

This must be an AI post, if not - what a completely self absorbed twat.

pinkyredrose · 18/09/2024 19:09

Op live your life the way you want to, hang out in places where high earning women go and maybe your dream will come true.

But please don't attempt to tell the women here that you're a trailblazer, you're really not.

You actually come across very näive and rather patronising.

gardenmusic · 18/09/2024 19:12

Why not take a nanny qualification, then get a job as a Manny?
All your dreams come true, and you will get paid for it.
It's just like you see in the films, honestly.

GigiAnnna · 18/09/2024 19:16

JudgieJudie · 18/09/2024 19:04

May I ask what job you have now? Do you work with children?

He must do. The man's a parenting guru dont you know.

Completelyjo · 18/09/2024 19:17

every last one of them have said what a natural I was and how I had a calling for it - heads literally turned in the room when they saw the way I interacted with a child I barely knew, and how they responded to me.

And then everyone clapped?

maddening · 18/09/2024 19:18

I don't think it is a simple calculation and depends on a couple and their individual circumstances as well as wants and needs - for example - what if you both want it what should then decide.

And before wants comes ability- firstly before either in a couple looks to be a sahp can you support that lifestyle choice financially? Can you live on the one wage of the working parent? If so it will be the highest earner that it would make sense to keep working - which due to the gender pay gap is usually men.

Then is your partner content to take on the financial burden? I wouldn't and I have not been supported financially by my husband- my maternity was on full pay and my year off after that by my redundancy pay - since which I have worked full time - I would not pay for my husband to stay home.

And then there is the question of further children after your first - as your partner would be the one bearing the children and the physical impact of that on her body it makes sense for a woman to be the sahp as it is easier to not have to juggle maternity etc inc maternity pay and job breaks- and she would need to be off following birth of the subsequent children in any case (and it is unreasonable to expect her yo go back within 6 months imo)- so it is more practical I guess.

And I am sure that there are lots of other considerations that would need to be considered for each individual couple.

Wendysfriend · 18/09/2024 19:18

Ah you're great. Still so much learning and growing up to do.

By the way you 'speak' like a woman.

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 19:19

JudgieJudie · 18/09/2024 19:04

May I ask what job you have now? Do you work with children?

I work at a vet

OP posts:
sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 19:20

Wendysfriend · 18/09/2024 19:18

Ah you're great. Still so much learning and growing up to do.

By the way you 'speak' like a woman.

How so? And what an earth does 'speaking like a woman" mean?

Speaking is speaking I'm afraid

OP posts:
ladymalfoy45 · 18/09/2024 19:20

'Holy Macaroni '?
Who even says this?

Robynxoxo · 18/09/2024 19:20

Stay at home dads are unemployed losers. You can't have babies, get a job.

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 19:21

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 19:20

How so? And what an earth does 'speaking like a woman" mean?

Speaking is speaking I'm afraid

Walking a dangerous tightrope there me thinks!

What does 'talking like a man" mean?

OP posts:
sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 19:21

Robynxoxo · 18/09/2024 19:20

Stay at home dads are unemployed losers. You can't have babies, get a job.

Same for SAHMs or no? If not, why not?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 18/09/2024 19:21

Robynxoxo · 18/09/2024 19:20

Stay at home dads are unemployed losers. You can't have babies, get a job.

Sorry but that is a massively unfair and unreasonable statement.

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 19:22

ladymalfoy45 · 18/09/2024 19:20

'Holy Macaroni '?
Who even says this?

People make up silly phrases all the time on here. Why can't I?

OP posts:
Wendysfriend · 18/09/2024 19:23

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 19:20

How so? And what an earth does 'speaking like a woman" mean?

Speaking is speaking I'm afraid

As in you're not a man you're a woman pretending to be a man. You've made up this old pile of shite !!

Comedycook · 18/09/2024 19:23

Op...you didn't answer the question as to who brought you up? Mum or dad... working or not

gardenmusic · 18/09/2024 19:23

sussexcoast98 · Today 19:21
sussexcoast98 · Today 19:20
How so? And what an earth does 'speaking like a woman" mean?
Speaking is speaking I'm afraid
Show quote history
Walking a dangerous tightrope there me thinks!
What does 'talking like a man" mean?

Stop it. You are making me snort, and it's not pretty.

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