Partner will use every opportunity to not be at home.

[MissKeek]

For some context. We have a 19 month old and I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant. We live in the middle of nowhere and so it’s rather difficult for me to get about without him, even though we have no car. All of my family live at least 2 hours away and I see them once or twice a year, his family all work and we don’t see them often either, so I have no village.

I have expressed time and time again that I would like to go out on family days more, I need to get out more because it’s driving me nuts, and as you other Mamas know with a toddler and pregnant, it can be extra tough.

When he is not at work he prioritises himself and goes to his mates at least once a week for a gaming night and a shmoke, which is a trek away. This is fine but he takes the mick when it comes to arranging it and usually does this to me last minute.
I might add that in the entire time since having our first child I have had very little time away from home on my own. I get no time to myself.
Whenever there is something I need to discuss with him with hopes of addressing it and moving on, he gets very defensive and uses it as an excuse to argue, shout then leave the house for hours and hours on end. Leaving me alone with kiddo for even longer.

Three times now we have arranged to spend the day together and he’s spent most of the morning on his phone (despite saying he was going to help me out with our toddler so I can rest a little), when I ask what’s the plan as he has the money he shrugs. I always try to make conversation and stuff and he shuts off and keeps staring into his phone uninterested but then gets argumentative if I call him out for it, saying that he’s sorry he’s not living up to my idea of perfection. It’s bloody exhausting. I just want a nice day with my family and he’s behaving like a teenager. He’s now buggered off out to his mates, again, for the entire day instead of being with us.

I’m at the point now where he will leave at any excuse and there’s no point him even living here anymore if he is going to be this way and do it more the more I try to talk to him about it to solve the issue.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to listen and be more present within the family?

Oh dear. This doesn’t sound good for the future, op. He seems to have “checked out”.

You deserve better than this!

You’re worth more than this! Read your post. Is this the man you want by your side for the rest of your life? Who you want to co-parents your children with? He’s awful. I would make a plan to leave him, move closer to family maybe.

You call him a partner but he isn't really, is he. I think you either need to learn to drive/get car for independence or move house (either with him or without).

I don't see him in your future any more so start looking at how you and the two little ones will cope without him, start planning your future.

Hes leaving you with no money?

You'd be better of working and getting yourself out of the house instead of being stuck home with no money. It's not bad on the face of it that he goes out once a week to socialise, you could also do the same.

Sounds like some things need to change.

you are in such a vulnerable position right now. It’s hard to know where to start. I know that isn’t helpful but it sounds like you need some support in getting away from him.

You obviously need to move OP. Go somewhere with public transport and learn to drive.

I don't understand why you chose to have another child with a man who doesn't give a toss but he's unlikely to change.

I would confide in a family member and ask them to come and stay for a few days. They can help you get some rest and look at your situation with fresh eyes. Then between the two of you you can make a plan as to what to do next.

You know what he's like. He won't change. And yet you chose to have another child with him. So you have a choice. Put up with this shit forever or get out now. And don't have any more children with him. No doubt there will be someone along to say that's not a helpful thing to say as you are pregnant now etc etc but I despair of threads like this and what some women put up for the sake of a relationship so hopefully it will help others in similar relationships see sense before they bring children into the mix

I do fear that he has “checked out”, it has been draining to deal with this on top of other things and he’s only been this way since I’ve fallen pregnant again. I didn’t want to have an abortion but I am fearing this is the end of our relationship.

Thank you for your response.

I totally agree and I always thought “it would never happen to me” well it has and I do feel really ashamed. I’ve been in abusive relationships before this and so this felt miles better, well it seems I still missed some red flags it seems. I know no one is perfect but I just want balance.
We were together for a good 5 years before we had children and he wasn’t this way before.
I don’t regret my children but I am sorry to them that their father wouldn’t step up, but that is not my fault it is his. Regardless I will try to make the best out of a bad situation.

He gave a toss before, but somehow he lost it up his own backside it seems.

op if you want to get his real feelings on the situation tell him after this baby you plan to go back to work and want to discuss what will happen in terms of the shared parenting etc

Then shut up and see what he says.

So he was attentive, communicative, you went out for family days out and he pulled his weight around the house and with the baby.

Now, he's on his phone, rude, unreliable, uninterested and lazy. Seems like a complete 180 in behaviour.

If you can't talk to him, there's nothing you can do. Sound like you don't have access to cash either which is abusive. Do you get benefits: child benefit or universal credit?

So it sounds like he's changed completely in the past 4 months(ish) since you found out you were pregnant again? I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation - he sounds like an awful partner and an awful Dad.

Focus on yourself and your kids and try and find a way that you can live independently without him. Good luck.

Please don't be ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed about. But please think if you want to bring your children up in a relationship like this

You’ve hit the nail on the head. I really don’t understand it.

I do get benefits which is effected by how much he earns too so the more he earns the less cash I get. He spends a lot going out and spending time with his friend, coming home with milk and a tonne of snacks for him…

From the responses so far it’s confirmed that the future between us is not looking good.

I hear you, I absolutely do not. I’ll have two boys next year and I don’t want them growing up thinking this is ok!

This is already the plan, depending on my recovery will depend on how soon I go back to work. I’ve been a SAHM since having my first bub and I actually can’t wait to go back to work.

I will try this, thank you.

I absolutely agree!
I’ve asked for us to arrange for me to be able to do so, he seems keen on the front then when I try to arrange something he’s always busy or can’t do it.

I have benefits such as CB and UC but his wages effect how much that can be. He carrot dangles the rest of his wages. Thankfully I’m pretty good at budgeting.

Things do need to change but he doesn’t want any change, as he has said before.

You have to make the change. He's selfish.

If you live in the middle of nowhere with no transport OP how on earth do you manage with a DC? That alone would drive me insane. You need to be around people to get yourself and DC a life. Your DP is an arse though...

Having another child with this idiot is beyond ridiculous. This isn't love.

You need to get a job and learn to drive. Stand on your own two feet for your kids sake as he is clearly not going to support you.
You are so incredibly vunerable but through your own choices.

Time to get your head out of sand and DO something.

Things do need to change but he doesn’t want any change, as he has said before.
Of course he doesn't want change. I bet you are still cooking, cleaning, washing, parenting, house admining and have sex with/for him while he does what he wants and goes where he wants. If only he could get that woman to shut up his life would be near damn perfect. You however... what's in it for you?

EDIT - in my roundabout way I was trying to say YOU need to decide what you want and how to achieve it. He won't help you.

Apparently he was wonderful until she became pregnant with her second child...

(No, I don't believe it either.)