Partner will use every opportunity to not be at home.

[MissKeek]

For some context. We have a 19 month old and I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant. We live in the middle of nowhere and so it’s rather difficult for me to get about without him, even though we have no car. All of my family live at least 2 hours away and I see them once or twice a year, his family all work and we don’t see them often either, so I have no village.

I have expressed time and time again that I would like to go out on family days more, I need to get out more because it’s driving me nuts, and as you other Mamas know with a toddler and pregnant, it can be extra tough.

When he is not at work he prioritises himself and goes to his mates at least once a week for a gaming night and a shmoke, which is a trek away. This is fine but he takes the mick when it comes to arranging it and usually does this to me last minute.
I might add that in the entire time since having our first child I have had very little time away from home on my own. I get no time to myself.
Whenever there is something I need to discuss with him with hopes of addressing it and moving on, he gets very defensive and uses it as an excuse to argue, shout then leave the house for hours and hours on end. Leaving me alone with kiddo for even longer.

Three times now we have arranged to spend the day together and he’s spent most of the morning on his phone (despite saying he was going to help me out with our toddler so I can rest a little), when I ask what’s the plan as he has the money he shrugs. I always try to make conversation and stuff and he shuts off and keeps staring into his phone uninterested but then gets argumentative if I call him out for it, saying that he’s sorry he’s not living up to my idea of perfection. It’s bloody exhausting. I just want a nice day with my family and he’s behaving like a teenager. He’s now buggered off out to his mates, again, for the entire day instead of being with us.

I’m at the point now where he will leave at any excuse and there’s no point him even living here anymore if he is going to be this way and do it more the more I try to talk to him about it to solve the issue.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to listen and be more present within the family?

This.

OP, you need to take control because he has clearly checked out. And you need to do it soon.

You're going to be a single mum of two very small children. What is your plan?

I think this, and similar changes happen a lot more often than you might realise. I’m really sorry you’re not getting the support you deserve or expected though, OP; sometimes it’s clear when someone is being an arse but you go ahead and hope it’s them adjusting and that they’ll get with the program, and other times, they change unexpectedly for the worse.
I hope you can get some good practical advice and come up with a solution that works for you, in any case.

Of course he doesn't want it to change, he is in control of his own fully functioning support human.

As I said OP, open question about how this will work when you go back to work. Shut up and let him talk. Keen asking open questions.

I'm a lone parent, I can tell you life is easier without this kind of manipulation in it.

I'd be bloody furious about this situation.

You're absolutely right! I am currently a SAHM and it’s been a push for me to regain some ground on balance but I see it for what it has become now.

I am serious, I will ask him once he has returned from wherever he’s gone. He knows we need to talk. I’ll see what he’s got to say about this. I’m sure it will speak volumes, as things already have.

I am bloody furious! All my life I’ve been surrounded by manipulative people in my support system, some hide it easier and I’m like a bloody magnet for them. I’m fed up.

I do feel like things would be better if I can just get on without this kind of manipulation, from anyone, I’ve always been held back and as much as I am a strong person it’s bloody exhausting. I am serious on bringing up my boys to respect women and NOT treat them this way.

The problem is the weed. My son's Dad used to smoke but very early on realised it wasn't a good mix for him with a child. That he couldn't be arsed to do kid stuff. To his credit he felt awful about that and quit.

It’s something we’ve discussed before and he’s been through all of the phases. When I was pregnant the first time he almost gave up then after our first boy was born decided he wouldn’t, and repeat. I’ve tried supporting it, I’ve tried being totally against it, I can’t ever find any kind of balance with it. It certainly does not help with consistency for our children let alone co-parenting with someone who also refuses therapy.

You need to get your children away from this drug head dosser.

He's engaging in and supporting criminality by smoking weed, do you really want someone with that level of morality in your children's lives?

Get out, get a job, move somewhere with transport links and leave this dopehead.

Why do you live in such an isolated place? Do either of you drive? How does he get to work and his social activities?

I realise this isn't the heart of the issue but it certainly can't help matters.

If you moved to somewhere more accessible, you wouldn't be as dependant on him. Perhaps the thought of a new baby is making you both seem trapped, and he is looking for escape routes?

You say partner, not husband. Is the house owned or rented? If its rented, can you look to get on your local council house list? Move closer to family/amenities?

Can you move back to your family before the new baby comes?
I'm worried for you being isolated with 2 tiny children and him having all the power. I don't think the relationship can be saved, you need supportive people around you. Good luck

If you live in the middle of know where with no car, how / where will you work? Is there a nursery for the children? You might be best up and moving closer to your family if they can offer you some support.

Do you have family support?
Could you go to your mums with the baby and apply for housing etc. from there as a homeless person?
You’re more likely to find work in a town when the time comes and until then, this is exactly what our benefits system is for.

Can you move in with family?

You both sound unbearable!
Him for leaving at the drop off a hat and you for nagging about him using his phone!
A family day doesn't have to be going out somewhere or all doing the same activity (although that's nice sometimes) just being together is nice.
Have you actually sat down and spoke about things at a time when they aren't the current problem. While eating tea etc "on Saturday I thought it might be nice if we did xyz with A before the baby comes along, also it would make things a bit easier for planning if you could add on to the calendar when you've got plans"

If you only discuss problems when they're the problem of course it'll end up in an argument!

If this is new behaviour could he be seeing someone else??

He sounds lovely, not! but also have to say why on earth are you havng another kid with him when you already know he doesn't really give a shite about the family he already has.

This is new behaviour, pretty much polar opposite to who we think/ thought he was, this is not something he has been doing up until recent months.
I wouldn’t have posted here if I was used to this kind of behaviour for over 7 years…
It’s not mine or our child’s fault for the father’s change in behaviour.

It sounds like you might be flogging a dead horse. I would forget the family days and find stuff to do without him. Presumably you can get to places even if you are rural without a car. You need to start building a life as if you are single and get some more local friends. He may be going through a bad patch or you may decide you want to leave him but you can start to make some changes in your own life before making any big decisions.

are you able to visit your family for a few days or weeks? maybe just drop everything and go with your child and see how he reacts/ if he’s willing to change. it’s likely to only get worse when new baby comes btw as you will be beyond overwhelmed.

Not to mention how much it costs...

Is your property rented? Who's on the lease?

How difficult is it for you to move somewhere more central?

Is it an option to leave and stay with family? or is the family option no more supportive?
Even if it's just tempory, it will either give him the kick up the arse to get back to the better person he was or you will see it's easier without the exhausting drama of someone who makes it harder when they should be sharing the load.

You know, sometimes I wonder if we all reading different threads...

You sound really assertive in your posts op.
Time to have a big conversation about your future and if he's not willing to shape up and be a decent partner and husband then it's time for him to move out.

Why do women do this to yourself . A Toddler and a pregnant with someone you are not Married to. You have dug yourself into a hole.

Sounds awful OP. Sorry you are in this position. He is being financially controlling, amongst his other bad behaviours. My husband is no golden boy, but your post about your partners behaviour really shocked me.

Can you move in with your family or find somewhere nearby them while your new baby will be small? You might spend the next few months before your baby comes doing an online course/upskilling, take a break while your new baby is small, and then look for full time employment. It looks like your future is as a solo mum so start using this time to plan well. You sound angry, which is great, but channel that anger.

During my second pregnancy (similar age gaps between children), my husband went a bit off the rails, caused by past trauma, anxiety, depression... and didn't behave well. It was very stressful. He went into therapy and we resolved those issues entirely (for now) thank God. The difference is that I own my house, whih would have been my saving grace, if it had come to the point that i left him. It really depends on if your partner can accept this situation isn't right and confront it head on. But I do in part understand how bloody hard it is.💐