Partner will use every opportunity to not be at home.

[MissKeek]

For some context. We have a 19 month old and I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant. We live in the middle of nowhere and so it’s rather difficult for me to get about without him, even though we have no car. All of my family live at least 2 hours away and I see them once or twice a year, his family all work and we don’t see them often either, so I have no village.

I have expressed time and time again that I would like to go out on family days more, I need to get out more because it’s driving me nuts, and as you other Mamas know with a toddler and pregnant, it can be extra tough.

When he is not at work he prioritises himself and goes to his mates at least once a week for a gaming night and a shmoke, which is a trek away. This is fine but he takes the mick when it comes to arranging it and usually does this to me last minute.
I might add that in the entire time since having our first child I have had very little time away from home on my own. I get no time to myself.
Whenever there is something I need to discuss with him with hopes of addressing it and moving on, he gets very defensive and uses it as an excuse to argue, shout then leave the house for hours and hours on end. Leaving me alone with kiddo for even longer.

Three times now we have arranged to spend the day together and he’s spent most of the morning on his phone (despite saying he was going to help me out with our toddler so I can rest a little), when I ask what’s the plan as he has the money he shrugs. I always try to make conversation and stuff and he shuts off and keeps staring into his phone uninterested but then gets argumentative if I call him out for it, saying that he’s sorry he’s not living up to my idea of perfection. It’s bloody exhausting. I just want a nice day with my family and he’s behaving like a teenager. He’s now buggered off out to his mates, again, for the entire day instead of being with us.

I’m at the point now where he will leave at any excuse and there’s no point him even living here anymore if he is going to be this way and do it more the more I try to talk to him about it to solve the issue.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to listen and be more present within the family?

You’re not married and you live in an isolated place with no car. How do you get anywhere?

Do you rent or own the house you live in, @MissKeek ? In whose name?

Book yourself driving lessons starting about 4-5 months after the baby is born so he can look after dc while you go

The weed is the problem. My ex was a big weed smoker, I hated it, he would be horrible lazy, refuse to get up, be rude, basically it’s all a massive come down. He needs to stop that

I don’t think the fact she isn’t married is the issue here - what a ridiculous comment.

Hi OP.

I am sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation.

It seems that for whatever reason being a father is proving too difficult for your DP and he is taking the selfish route and putting himself firmly in a position of priority. He seems selfish beyond belief and unless he changes significantly and willingly so (otherwise he will just be resentful) your life will remain fairly miserable.

I know from experience of having two young children and a partner who put his needs before ours. In the end. Life as a single parent is much easier and happier. At least you know the score, you are on your own and the constant hoping for change, resentment, and anger at a hopeless partner/father will be gone. Well, he might still be a useless father, but at least you don’t have to live with and condone it.

I would seriously be considering my choices. Moving somewhere there is easier access to support, and by that I mean community, GP, parent places and groups etc, would be far better for you as a single parent than staying in what sounds like a miserably lonely situation with a partner who is disinterested.

Whatever happens, be kind to yourself, do what is right for you first and foremost. If you are happier and more content, the kids will be too. Good luck and don’t take any shiz OP!

What's he bringing to your life, except frustration and money challenges? I think you will be much happier without him. Can you get evidence of his work/wages so he can't try and wriggle out of child support?

Can you move back in with your parents? The location of your home sounds untenable.

It absolutely is in the sense she is a SAHM completely reliant on him for finances and at any moment, he could end the relationship and she would have nothing. Meanwhile he holds all the cards, has been building a career, a pension etc.

If she were married she would at least have claim to some of those finances.

Being a SAHM and not being married is ridiculously risky, you can be homeless and penniless at any time and you are completely at the whim of your partner and it seems hers has had a personality transplant so it's not unfathomable that he could just go oh well and leave her screwed!

So how in earth is it a ridiculous comment? More women need to be aware of this before they get into these situations.

OP you really need to work to get yourself out of this vulnerable position. Looking at learning to drive or moving to be near transport, getting back to work and some financial independence.

If this is genuinely a complete change in personality I would be very concerned but I don't believe he was top partner and dad prior to this.

But you need to prioritise getting yourself in a better position as a single person because unless you want this to be your life, this is ultimately what will happen.

He is never going to change, he doesn't have to parent, he has all the money, he gets to do what he wants and he has no want to help you be happy. You are the one that is going to have to change it.

How did the talk with him go?

My ExH started behaving like this when my DS was a toddler. Went from being doting partner to completely checking out.

turns out he was more interested in chasing a 25 year old at work.

he seemed to resent the fact that I was a blocker to him spending time with his crush.

My ex also behaved like a stroppy teenager.

He’s now an ex. This behaviour doesn’t get better. You need to plan to leave.

He has the money, he’s your only way of physically getting out and about, and he manipulates you by shouting, storming out, and gaslighting you (“I’m sorry I’m not your idea of perfection…”)

This man is controlling you. It’s not a partnership; you’re stuck and he gets everything his own way. You deserve better and for all that I’m not a LTB type, you’re never going to get better from this guy.

Once you ditch this piece of shit and get back to work, for the sake of you and your children, stay single until they are significantly older. It's good that you've realised you are a magnet for manipulative people, but you now need to be on your guard, ESPECIALLY with romantic relationships.

How do you own/rent your home? Make a plan and exit before you are stuck in the house with two kids. He sounds like he wants you to end the relationship so he doesn’t have to. Is he doing drugs and driving? Do not let him drive your child anywhere.

can you just pack up and go live with family

Him not giving up weed when you were pregnant/ had your first child suggests he wasn’t a great partner/ father before what you describe as a sudden personality changes a few month ago 🙄

Was it his idea for you to move to somewhere so isolated where you don’t have a car/ can’t drive? It comes across as quite controlling and making you very dependent on him.

Everything you write about him screams abuse. Is there any chance you could move closer to your parents? I’d think about doing this before they’re due to start school. You need a support network.

Please don’t be ashamed. YOU have nothing to be ashamed off. Your partner is the person who should be ashamed. I agree with the person who suggested to confide in a family member and ask them to come down to stay with you for a few days.

Can you move back to near your family/support circle?

This will be much easier to do before you have a 2nd child.

He isn't going to step up so you need to plan what is best for your future.

Is it an option for you to move closer.to family and just leave this guy behind? All your eggs are in his basket, he is literally controlling your life. You can't go out coz he doesn't want to or he's got the money? Take your babies and run. You are doing it alone anyway, this guy just sounds like baggage you do not need. As above post said, take back your life. Get a job learn to drive, you be in control of your life, you'll be so proud of yourself if you do and so will your children.

I don't think he is offering you anything more than if you were a single parent in all honesty. This isn't a partnership.

I wonder if it's worth having a chat with citizens advice. They should be able to point you in the direction of what you could claim, be entitled to, local services as a single mum etc. If you want out then this might be a good way of getting your eggs in a basket.

I feel claustrophobic just reading this. My heart goes out to you reading this you must be terribly lonely for adult company.

Seems like he is checking out of family life. Why have another child. No transport, living in the middle of nowhere is not good unless you love the solitary way of life and you don't seem very happy.

I was also going to suggest moving back closer to your family if that's an option.
What on earth does he 'do' with this friend all day? Is he hands on once he's back? I sincerely doubt it

@MissKeek you can't sustain so many compromises in your relationship- you doing all the giving while he does all the taking.

He has deceived you from the get-go, being charming and the "perfect DP" until he got you where he wanted you, disempowered and trapped with fewer choices than him. He's acting as if single and you'll waste the best years of your life being the one to have to compromise, tying yourself in knots worrying if you're not supporting him enough.

it shouldn't be like this, you shouldn't have to put up with him, it isn't healthy.

How will you get to work from the middle of nowhere with no car?
How are you currently running any errands? What if there's an emergency and you need to get a child to the doctor's? Or yourself? Is there anyone at all around who could help you to a) feel less lonely and isolated, and b) more empowered to WALK the heck out of there now! All I see is red flags.

Your 'partner' is not a partner. You need a serious talk on what does he want for his future, and your shared future. Personally I would have already upped the sticks and gone back to my family: is that an option for you at all? Or any other family member, relative, friend?

You'll be abandoned as much with the baby as you're now and it will be double as hard. He could be depressed or anxious but he needs to do something about instead of simply leaving you to cope whichever way.

Every day I'm baffled by the selfishness of men; but unfortunately also women who accept it. You deserve so much more.

He's one of those mountains of man babies unsuited to family and fatherhood.

He has checked out - he didn't like it first time around and he likes it even less now there's another one.

He's acting like a teenage student.

You know now you cannot rely on him.

Where and how you live is not serving your family needs. You need to be somewhere closer to civilization, closer to family. Personally I'd be asking if family would take you and the child/ren in as a first step to get you on your independent feet.

Long term - learn to drive. Get a job. Get savings and a pension.

And don't get pregnant again.