Partner will use every opportunity to not be at home.

[MissKeek]

For some context. We have a 19 month old and I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant. We live in the middle of nowhere and so it’s rather difficult for me to get about without him, even though we have no car. All of my family live at least 2 hours away and I see them once or twice a year, his family all work and we don’t see them often either, so I have no village.

I have expressed time and time again that I would like to go out on family days more, I need to get out more because it’s driving me nuts, and as you other Mamas know with a toddler and pregnant, it can be extra tough.

When he is not at work he prioritises himself and goes to his mates at least once a week for a gaming night and a shmoke, which is a trek away. This is fine but he takes the mick when it comes to arranging it and usually does this to me last minute.
I might add that in the entire time since having our first child I have had very little time away from home on my own. I get no time to myself.
Whenever there is something I need to discuss with him with hopes of addressing it and moving on, he gets very defensive and uses it as an excuse to argue, shout then leave the house for hours and hours on end. Leaving me alone with kiddo for even longer.

Three times now we have arranged to spend the day together and he’s spent most of the morning on his phone (despite saying he was going to help me out with our toddler so I can rest a little), when I ask what’s the plan as he has the money he shrugs. I always try to make conversation and stuff and he shuts off and keeps staring into his phone uninterested but then gets argumentative if I call him out for it, saying that he’s sorry he’s not living up to my idea of perfection. It’s bloody exhausting. I just want a nice day with my family and he’s behaving like a teenager. He’s now buggered off out to his mates, again, for the entire day instead of being with us.

I’m at the point now where he will leave at any excuse and there’s no point him even living here anymore if he is going to be this way and do it more the more I try to talk to him about it to solve the issue.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to listen and be more present within the family?

Does he have depression? Maybe he’s struggling but hasn’t been able to talk about it.

Can you move in with family? Or just move into town so that you have more independence?
Make the change before the new baby comes along

Please contact Women's aid for advice and support.
You are being controlled and abuse by a druggy.
Can you go home to your parents?
Can you tell them the truth?
This relationship is clearly over.
Can you move before this baby arrives?

How's today been op?

Pack your stuff, contact your parents and get gone. What a toxic environment for you and your babies. You deserve better.

Do you have a relationship with your parents? Can you go back to them?

All he's contributing to family life now is a small amount of money, and you can get that through child support.

Red flags are you are a SAHM but have no access to a joint bank account or direct access to money. You are completely isolated from friends and family. He won't have a conversation about it or anything else.

All signs of an unhealthy (if not abusive) relationship. I'm sorry he's changed so much and you are now where you are.

Please get some help from someone who can help you get childcare, money and away from him, and hopefully deal with his responsibilities to his kids going forward. There are charities out there set-up to do this, depending on where you are.

Honestly, if it’s even remotely possible, I would pack up and go. Will he even notice?

This is abuse. Leaving you without, carrot dangling money. And his earnings impact your income. Not cool. Financial abuse.

if he doesn’t want change I guess you can only effect the change yourself, by either leaving him or kicking him out. You alluded to your family not being great- unless I misread- but is there anyone you could go and stay with in the very short term until you could get a council house?

You will be OK once you get this selfish deadweight out of your life.

You can't change a leopards spots. Try to keep strong and start planning💐

I really feel for you OP. He is awful, but you sound strong. You really need to get some help. You need to break up and move away where you can start a new life with your kids in a less isolated place. Could you phone Women's Aid for a supportive chat at least? He is emotionally and financially abusive.
Please get away, before the baby is born. Once the baby is born it will be harder. The sooner the better. Good luck. Just imagine what a lovely life you could have in a nice flat of your own in a town or village with baby and toddler groups and a pre school etc etc

I came on to say exactly this. Get to your family, find your feet, try to get back to work or education and training and cut your losses with this guy. He's never going to get any better as a parent or a partner.

My ex was like this, I did 2 things, when DD was small I retrained, completely focused on myself & DD, always had my own car - shit ones mostly but was my independence, made my own life really just let him get on with it, when she was older and he suddenly wanted a family (I image as his mates were starting to settle down) I left him because by then he had bored me to death and I barely knew him.

Me & DD were on our own for 2 years and then I met someone else who does everything I want to, walks the dogs with me, watches my rubbish on the tv, plans time for just us and joins in with (now teen DD), helps around the house etc don’t settle

I could've written this myself 2 years ago. Only thing that made him change was me leaving him for two months. He truly believed I was done and it made him miserable. But also made him actively prove to me he had changed. He has been amazing since and our relationship is great. Maybe he needs a reality check?

He sounds like an abusive arsehole. If you are close to anyone in your family why don’t you go and “visit”… and then tel him you’re not coming back. It will be much easier to make a move before your toddler starts school, and don’t you want some support around for when you have your baby? He clearly isn’t going to provide any.

Brutally, I’d leave him to it. If you rent, you can give notice-you only have to give a month. He can sort himself out. I wouldn’t stay, he seems completely pointless.

Is he actually seeing friends or having an affair the defensive behaviour and causing arguments so he has an excuse to leave are all massive glaring red flags for me !
You would be better off alone he's no use anything and it sounds like it would be alot less stress if he just wasn't there you're basically a bang maid while he's out living life as a single man with no responsibility

Realistically, the thought of another {Unplanned?} baby has probably caused him to be panicky and selfish- It was a mistake not to have used condoms if he didn't want another child.

He surely knows what unprotected sex can lead to children?

Babies tend to act like wedges rather than glue in relationships - but the adults should know this- it's not the poor kid's fault.

Chances are he will clear off - the signs are all there.

Can you manage with two children on your own? - He's unlikely to want the commitment of 50/50 childcare.

Can you afford to move to a less lonely place?

It sounds very hard, very lonely, and he sounds unsupportive and useless.

This is what my ex would have been like if I'd stayed with him. Move out and go and spend your mat leave with your family. He won't even miss you, sorry, but you deserve love and support especially when you have a baby too xx

Why do women do that to each other?

It’s not mine or our child’s fault for the father’s change in behaviour.
Did his behaviour change though or is the problem he didnt change after you had children? Did he nit smoke weed before, or go out with him mates before?

anyway, he sounds awful. Just leave him. He will get worse, bit better.

He's not a partner he's someone you share a house with and shag occasionally.

Can't your family come and visit you more often and take you out? You should not spend so much time on your own. It fosters resentment, and that leads to other things.

Can you save enough money to spend on a taxi into the nearest place where there are people? Is there a meeting of mothers in the area? Are there any volunteer groups who use their cars and charge for petrol?

It sounds daunting, but you deserve a life and for your DH not to realise that is unkind to say the least. If you can scrape together enough money each week to take yourself and your little one out to a meal or some entertainment, or even just to a tea room, it will make a difference, and you can go on from that start.

Before you realise it you will have given up all your independence and that is definitely no good for rearing children.

It is kind of a shame that you didn't read the signals first time round and have brought another innocent life into this. But what's done is done I guess

The point is when she leaves him, she gets nothing except a paltry amount of child support