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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner will use every opportunity to not be at home.

114 replies

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 14:34

For some context. We have a 19 month old and I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant. We live in the middle of nowhere and so it’s rather difficult for me to get about without him, even though we have no car. All of my family live at least 2 hours away and I see them once or twice a year, his family all work and we don’t see them often either, so I have no village.

I have expressed time and time again that I would like to go out on family days more, I need to get out more because it’s driving me nuts, and as you other Mamas know with a toddler and pregnant, it can be extra tough.

When he is not at work he prioritises himself and goes to his mates at least once a week for a gaming night and a shmoke, which is a trek away. This is fine but he takes the mick when it comes to arranging it and usually does this to me last minute.
I might add that in the entire time since having our first child I have had very little time away from home on my own. I get no time to myself.
Whenever there is something I need to discuss with him with hopes of addressing it and moving on, he gets very defensive and uses it as an excuse to argue, shout then leave the house for hours and hours on end. Leaving me alone with kiddo for even longer.

Three times now we have arranged to spend the day together and he’s spent most of the morning on his phone (despite saying he was going to help me out with our toddler so I can rest a little), when I ask what’s the plan as he has the money he shrugs. I always try to make conversation and stuff and he shuts off and keeps staring into his phone uninterested but then gets argumentative if I call him out for it, saying that he’s sorry he’s not living up to my idea of perfection. It’s bloody exhausting. I just want a nice day with my family and he’s behaving like a teenager. He’s now buggered off out to his mates, again, for the entire day instead of being with us.

I’m at the point now where he will leave at any excuse and there’s no point him even living here anymore if he is going to be this way and do it more the more I try to talk to him about it to solve the issue.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to listen and be more present within the family?

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 23/09/2024 20:39

Pregnancy is often when abuse starts or escalates. And some of the behaviours are quite concerning - you are isolated from family, virtually housebound and financially controlled.

Your family and family life sounds more like a single mum on benefits with a stroppy teenager than two parents raising children together.

I actually can’t decide from your posts whether (1) he didn’t want the second baby and has detached from the family or (2) he is starting a deliberate campaign of abuse.

You mentioned that YOU didn’t want an abortion which makes me think he has just pulled away. Men do because they can and I don’t think it’s that uncommon.

I’m really sorry for whatever has caused the change in him. He’s an absolute shitbag to be treating you all this way.

5128gap · 23/09/2024 20:40

Your life would be so much better if you packed up, left him in the middle of nowhere and moved back near your people.

Firefly1987 · 23/09/2024 20:42

Having kids with a weed user, what could possibly go wrong...

Nn9011 · 23/09/2024 20:50

Have you considered that some of his behaviours may be abusive? He's isolated you away from family, you have no mode to get out of the house. Your income is dependent on how much he earns so he has control over finances. There's no time for you to be a person outside of the services you provide him and the children.
Sometimes abusive behaviour isn't hitting or yelling, sometimes it's in the control until it escalates.

Thalia31 · 23/09/2024 20:54

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 14:34

For some context. We have a 19 month old and I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant. We live in the middle of nowhere and so it’s rather difficult for me to get about without him, even though we have no car. All of my family live at least 2 hours away and I see them once or twice a year, his family all work and we don’t see them often either, so I have no village.

I have expressed time and time again that I would like to go out on family days more, I need to get out more because it’s driving me nuts, and as you other Mamas know with a toddler and pregnant, it can be extra tough.

When he is not at work he prioritises himself and goes to his mates at least once a week for a gaming night and a shmoke, which is a trek away. This is fine but he takes the mick when it comes to arranging it and usually does this to me last minute.
I might add that in the entire time since having our first child I have had very little time away from home on my own. I get no time to myself.
Whenever there is something I need to discuss with him with hopes of addressing it and moving on, he gets very defensive and uses it as an excuse to argue, shout then leave the house for hours and hours on end. Leaving me alone with kiddo for even longer.

Three times now we have arranged to spend the day together and he’s spent most of the morning on his phone (despite saying he was going to help me out with our toddler so I can rest a little), when I ask what’s the plan as he has the money he shrugs. I always try to make conversation and stuff and he shuts off and keeps staring into his phone uninterested but then gets argumentative if I call him out for it, saying that he’s sorry he’s not living up to my idea of perfection. It’s bloody exhausting. I just want a nice day with my family and he’s behaving like a teenager. He’s now buggered off out to his mates, again, for the entire day instead of being with us.

I’m at the point now where he will leave at any excuse and there’s no point him even living here anymore if he is going to be this way and do it more the more I try to talk to him about it to solve the issue.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to listen and be more present within the family?

I'm sorry, but you need to take some accountability for your actions. You knew how he was, and you understood your current situation, yet you decided to have another child from him, thinking it would fill in the cracks.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 23/09/2024 21:33

Move away, be closer to your family, you're going to need them

ellyeth · 23/09/2024 23:58

This sounds really awful. Was it a joint decision to have another baby? If the pregnancy wasn't planned maybe he is resentful.

Whatever the reason, his behaviour is disgusting. He is a father and shouldn't be leaving everything to you to do or going out with his friends when you have no opportunities yourself to have a break or socialise.

I don't know what the answer is but I don't think I could remain in the relationship as you describe it. If it is at all possible, it might be worth considering going it alone. I would be so stressed and angry to be treated so uncaringly - that can't be good for your mental or physical health.

Deboragh · 24/09/2024 09:42

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 14:34

For some context. We have a 19 month old and I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant. We live in the middle of nowhere and so it’s rather difficult for me to get about without him, even though we have no car. All of my family live at least 2 hours away and I see them once or twice a year, his family all work and we don’t see them often either, so I have no village.

I have expressed time and time again that I would like to go out on family days more, I need to get out more because it’s driving me nuts, and as you other Mamas know with a toddler and pregnant, it can be extra tough.

When he is not at work he prioritises himself and goes to his mates at least once a week for a gaming night and a shmoke, which is a trek away. This is fine but he takes the mick when it comes to arranging it and usually does this to me last minute.
I might add that in the entire time since having our first child I have had very little time away from home on my own. I get no time to myself.
Whenever there is something I need to discuss with him with hopes of addressing it and moving on, he gets very defensive and uses it as an excuse to argue, shout then leave the house for hours and hours on end. Leaving me alone with kiddo for even longer.

Three times now we have arranged to spend the day together and he’s spent most of the morning on his phone (despite saying he was going to help me out with our toddler so I can rest a little), when I ask what’s the plan as he has the money he shrugs. I always try to make conversation and stuff and he shuts off and keeps staring into his phone uninterested but then gets argumentative if I call him out for it, saying that he’s sorry he’s not living up to my idea of perfection. It’s bloody exhausting. I just want a nice day with my family and he’s behaving like a teenager. He’s now buggered off out to his mates, again, for the entire day instead of being with us.

I’m at the point now where he will leave at any excuse and there’s no point him even living here anymore if he is going to be this way and do it more the more I try to talk to him about it to solve the issue.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to listen and be more present within the family?

You haven't got a partner, you've got a lodger.a fkn useless one at that.

Danielle9891 · 24/09/2024 10:43

That's hard OP. Have you tried to get yourself some driving lessons so you can get yourself out. I live very rural and I'm desperately trying to learn to drive so I can go to mums and tots and other groups to meet people. The only bus where I live is a coach (you have to fold the pram and store it underneath and climb the stairs) and it only comes 3 times a day. 6.30am, 2pm and 5pm. 🙄 I've a toddler and new born so it's impossible, especially if I get some shopping.

As for your partner you need to have a sit down and either he changes or you end things as you can't live like this.

My family lives over in England and I live in Ireland so I go and stay with them for the odd week every few months. Could you stay with your family every so often to give you a break?

Skodacool · 24/09/2024 13:59

Is he having an affair? I presume you're not married, you're very vulnerable.

Soitis83 · 24/09/2024 16:19

StormingNorman · 23/09/2024 20:16

Why do women do that to each other?

Show quote history

😂😂😂😂

mamaE123456 · 24/09/2024 20:49

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 14:34

For some context. We have a 19 month old and I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant. We live in the middle of nowhere and so it’s rather difficult for me to get about without him, even though we have no car. All of my family live at least 2 hours away and I see them once or twice a year, his family all work and we don’t see them often either, so I have no village.

I have expressed time and time again that I would like to go out on family days more, I need to get out more because it’s driving me nuts, and as you other Mamas know with a toddler and pregnant, it can be extra tough.

When he is not at work he prioritises himself and goes to his mates at least once a week for a gaming night and a shmoke, which is a trek away. This is fine but he takes the mick when it comes to arranging it and usually does this to me last minute.
I might add that in the entire time since having our first child I have had very little time away from home on my own. I get no time to myself.
Whenever there is something I need to discuss with him with hopes of addressing it and moving on, he gets very defensive and uses it as an excuse to argue, shout then leave the house for hours and hours on end. Leaving me alone with kiddo for even longer.

Three times now we have arranged to spend the day together and he’s spent most of the morning on his phone (despite saying he was going to help me out with our toddler so I can rest a little), when I ask what’s the plan as he has the money he shrugs. I always try to make conversation and stuff and he shuts off and keeps staring into his phone uninterested but then gets argumentative if I call him out for it, saying that he’s sorry he’s not living up to my idea of perfection. It’s bloody exhausting. I just want a nice day with my family and he’s behaving like a teenager. He’s now buggered off out to his mates, again, for the entire day instead of being with us.

I’m at the point now where he will leave at any excuse and there’s no point him even living here anymore if he is going to be this way and do it more the more I try to talk to him about it to solve the issue.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to listen and be more present within the family?

I would try and arrange something to do with your family. Siblings or parents maybe? Do they want to see their granddaughter? Yes you definitely need a rest, it’s ver hard work growing a human being and also raising one.
sorry but your other half sounds totally useless and doesn’t deserve you or your little one.
i would stop waiting for him to take you out, and you arrange for yourself to go out without him. Go visit your parents, stay there for a few days and you can have a rest and your little one can spend time with their grandparents.

Smallerthannormalpeople · 25/09/2024 17:55

You appear to be in a relationship with an abusive narcissist. Leave and don’t look back.

LondonUSAGirl · 07/10/2024 13:17

So you're not married to this guy, you don't work, he doesn't help with your kid, he traps you at home, he belittles and disrespects you... and you thought, "Hey sure, let me have ANOTHER child with this loser, that will certainly make things better!"

Honestly, I really don't get people.

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