No help from my mum

[Chickadoo]

I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable by expecting some help from my mum after having a baby.

I understand that having a baby was my choice and I knew the circumstances etc etc. I also do not expect my mum to come over and help all the time. She has her own life. I understand this.

But, my mum hasn't once come over during the week to help me with my newborn since he's been born. She has come over at weekends with a bit of reluctance (she would rather me come to hers). I understand she feels more comfortable in her own home, but I did say to her it will be more difficult for me to come to her after the baby is born, as it's a 45 min bus ride (I don't drive), and more difficult with a fussing baby. She doesn't drive either, so she would also have to do the 45 mins bus to mine, but I also live relatively near her work, so why not come to mine?

She is always going on about wanting to see her new grandson, how much she loves him, and how she wants him to know who she is when he's young. However, she'll never come over.

It would also be nice for me if she was able to come over, even just every so often, so I could do some more things in the house or just have someone to talk to (my partner is in the Navy, so is away for the next 4 months for the most part)

My mum knows how tough having a new baby can be, she's told be about her experience with my sister when she was a baby, how she almost went stir crazy with little help and no company. So I think she knows I'd be finding it tough.

I know it's a bit of an effort, but she'll travel over an hour on the train to see my sister quite often (once a month)

Anyway, she never comes over during the week. Maybe I'm being too sensitive and unreasonable for thinking she would want to, or make an effort. Thoughts?

Gently, you are being unreasonably. A 45 minute bus ride (is that over 20 minutes each way or 1.5 hours in total?) when she obviously works as well to help you out for a few hours is a lot to ask. If she doesn’t work weekends then that’s her time off. Seeing your sister once a month isn’t particularly often, but it would be nice if she did similar for you in these early days. It reads like you’re expecting more than that though? Having a newborn can be exhausting, but once they’re a bit older you can get out and about a bit more, including to see your mum.

If homestart still exits, get in touch. They may have a volunteer who will come out and chat with you and maybe offer some practical help weekly for a while.

You're being unreasonable if she works full time that's a lot to expect when she doesn't have much free time.

Yeah this. Although I do appreciate it’s difficult, my mum took 2 weeks off as she had excess annual leave from the previous year to be there, mostly to look after me as I had a difficult birth so was really recovering for those 2 weeks. But once she was back at work full time I mostly see her on weekends and totally understand that as I know how tired I used to be after a full day at work with commute etc!

Do you have any mum friends from baby groups, or friends locally?

Once the baby is a bit older, I suggest looking at local playgroups in community centres or church halls. I had (have) no family close by and found them to be a lifesaver for a bit of socialising for both kids and me.

Yes, YABU to expect her to visit but not unreasonable to want some company and support. Are there any baby groups locally where you can see if you can make some friends and have a chat?

I can understand how you might be wanting a bit of support with a new baby. But don't expect it, if you do you'll be constantly comparing and get bitter over it. Talking from experience just accept it and move on.
My mum lives round the corner and never comes round to spend time with my children, offer to look after them occasionally. I've just accepted it and now think its her loss as her grandkids are not particularly bothered to see her or want to spend time with her.

Sounds like she's already doing a lot you don't recognise tbh. And this sounds like the long term consequences for you both of never bothering to learn to drive. How come you don't drive?

Neither of you drive.

She works.

Yes it would be lovely if she came and helped out with the baby but if she is working and it's a long bus ride I can see why she isn't.

And during the week after work is a big ask.

I was in my own with twins. Many NCT branches run mum and baby groups, as do a lot of churches. I got out and about as much as I could and made friends with people in the same life stage as me.

Firstly, you are allowed to be sensitive, you have a newborn baby and your hormones are all over the place.
It's slightly unreasonable to “expect” help, but not at all unreasonable to ask for it. Have you actually told your DM you are really struggling and would appreciate her company at yours whenever she is able. Some people just need it spelling out to them or are worried of overstepping the mark.
I would have loved more hands on help when my DS was born. It was only when I eventually burst into tears in front of my Mum because I thought I was crap at parenting that she realised how much I was struggling. Turns out the my DM thought I wanted my own space and didn’t want to interfere. She had lost her own DM several years before I was born so only had experience of doing it on her own.

Bit rude to assume I've never bothered. I have MS

She's coming over at the weekend. She probably just wants to go home after work which is fair enough. Did you know your husband would be off for 4 months when you conceived? Do they not do parental leave in the army? That's a bit shit if they don't.

YABU

hasn't once come over during the week to help me with my newborn since he's been born.
When and how do you expect her to do this when she works full time and it's 1.5hr round trip to get to you? After a full day she would get to you as she had to leave to go home, public transport probably doesn't even have the options for the times she would be free.

would also be nice for me if she was able to come over, even just every so often, so I could do some more things in the house or just have someone to talk to
This should be your partner, but he's working away. Any friends? other family? Your location and home situation isn't helping your isolation. You're not unreasonable to want help and support, but it needs to be someone willing and able to give it.

I wouldn't be signing up for travelling on the bus to hers with a newborn, that's a boundary I wouldn't budge on, mum comes to you for a visit in her spare time, but it's not going to be the "coming to help" visit, it's more a social visit.

You need to be looking at other options for help and support, when is your husband back, does he have family, do you have any friends, neighbours, groups? Don't be assuming and putting it all onto mum who lives to far away and works as you'll grow to resent her when it's not a lot she can do.

This should be your partner, but he's working away. Any friends? other family? this is it.

You're expecting your mum to feel the gap your husband's left. You are unfairly mad at her.

Thank you for your replies. As I have said; I do not expect her to come over at all. I understand what many of you are saying, though.

She works part-time. Although, I do get how it may be tiring for her to come over. But me living near her work would just mean she would not have to travel far if she were to pop around before she started.

Side note, she works a few hours in the evenings (starts at 5pm)... she has the whole day free.

Obviously, I know the situation more in depth, I just feel there is a bit of 'can't be bothered', and feel a little let down.

Although I am taking on board what you guys have said, and will think this over.

"I have MS"

Niagara Falls drip feed!

You should be getting additional help but it's not your mums responsibility.

how far away is your partner’s mum? Could you get your partner to ask his mum if she could support you a bit?

my MIL was willing and able to help me out more than my mum due to circumstances and she was a god send

Since she works closer to you, have you invited her to stay for a couple of days? She could go to work from yours.

But yes I do agree that it’s a bit odd that she could be with you in the day and she is choosing to be at her house instead.

With kindness OP you can’t expect your mother to do more parenting/give more help, than you do your husband. You apparently thought it was ok to have a baby knowing his job as it stands, meant he wouldn’t be around much, it’s no one else’s job to step into his role for him and make up for that. I think he really needs to look at leaving the Navy so he can support you and be a proper partner and father.

Having said that though, I am surprised your mum hasn’t come to visit at all yet. Is your dad in the picture at all? Has he visited?

My DM lived a minutes walk away. She never helped me. The one time she looked after my DD, in an emergency, my DD had a fall and is scarred for life, so every cloud. Her mother died when she was born so maybe she didn't develop a maternal instinct. She spent most of my childhood with PND. Does your mother have a history that makes her less able to feel empathy?

I'm not mad at her at all. I just am a little confused - as she is forever going on about wanting to see her grandson, but doesn't visit all that often.

I was simply responding to why I don't drive. You are assuming I want sympathy?

Or choosing to go about her own life.

But I have really never said I want her to take on this responsibility. Just to visit every now and then, this could be just a social visit. She has come at the weekends intermittently