No help from my mum

[Chickadoo]

I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable by expecting some help from my mum after having a baby.

I understand that having a baby was my choice and I knew the circumstances etc etc. I also do not expect my mum to come over and help all the time. She has her own life. I understand this.

But, my mum hasn't once come over during the week to help me with my newborn since he's been born. She has come over at weekends with a bit of reluctance (she would rather me come to hers). I understand she feels more comfortable in her own home, but I did say to her it will be more difficult for me to come to her after the baby is born, as it's a 45 min bus ride (I don't drive), and more difficult with a fussing baby. She doesn't drive either, so she would also have to do the 45 mins bus to mine, but I also live relatively near her work, so why not come to mine?

She is always going on about wanting to see her new grandson, how much she loves him, and how she wants him to know who she is when he's young. However, she'll never come over.

It would also be nice for me if she was able to come over, even just every so often, so I could do some more things in the house or just have someone to talk to (my partner is in the Navy, so is away for the next 4 months for the most part)

My mum knows how tough having a new baby can be, she's told be about her experience with my sister when she was a baby, how she almost went stir crazy with little help and no company. So I think she knows I'd be finding it tough.

I know it's a bit of an effort, but she'll travel over an hour on the train to see my sister quite often (once a month)

Anyway, she never comes over during the week. Maybe I'm being too sensitive and unreasonable for thinking she would want to, or make an effort. Thoughts?

I have suggested for her to come over. That shes more than welcome to stay if it would make it easier. I've also shown her the bus stop and sent her bus times. Previously said I'll make us lunch before she goes to work etc.

I’m sorry OP, I know it can be really lonely and hard looking after a baby. I remember desperately wanting somebody to come and visit at times to take the pressure off. I hope you are ok and looking after yourself.

Hi OP, I can understand why you feel your mum should come over more often/during the week. She is your mum, you are her daughter and your son is her grandson. What else is there to say? And she only lives a short distance away ( less than an hour). Looking after a new baby/young children is exhausting and mentally draining; I think you have every right to be disappointed. Helping with household tasks/preparing meals/giving you a much needed break/company. I have several friends whose mums did just that. I also know some whose mums had little involvement. I agree that going to playgroups and meeting other mums is very important but that's a different issue.
I am sorry OP that your mum isn't as involved as u would like; unfortunately, you can't change her mindset and having to ask defeats the object. Take care OP, get out and engage in the company of other mums, in parks etc. Doesn't matter if you know no-one; babies are a good conversation blaster.

Ditto

yanbu , any decent mother would move hell & high water to help their daughter out with a new baby

This; I agree entirely. I have always had active/frequent involvement with my GC; irrespective of working FT/PT

Mothers not helping their children after they give birth seems to be the exception rather than the rule so I think it is reasonable to expect some help with a new baby from your mum if it is practically possible.

Were you OK with getting no help with twins from your mum or any help throughout your entire life? Unless there were exceptional circumstances why she could never help you, it seems rather unkind and uncaring of her.

Well I am used to never getting any help so I don’t know any different really I think I prefer it has made me very independent and resilient but on the reverse side if other people do help me I find it difficult to accept. Although we don’t really have a relationship any more it’s superficial

Hope u r doing OK

Hey OP. Interested to read your post and it actually made me wonder whether my mum will be the same when I have a baby. I'd love her to be around etc but am now wondering whether she might find this tricky, though she's been an amazing mother in general. I think it could be a personality thing - her not knowing or being comfortable with certain situations or role reversals etc. Like some parents really thrive when their children are a certain age and not at others.

Maybe she'll be more active later on when your baby is older but doesn't really know what to do or how to behave at this stage? Or is triggered by something in her past somehow Don't? Don't know but I'm glad you asked as this has been interesting. I wish you well.

Let us know if you ask her and good luck!

I'm a grandmother and DH and I recently did a ten hour round trip to help with emergency child care. It never entered my head to refuse. It's what loving grandparents do. I think you are not being unreasonable at all.
Join some mum and baby groups to get out of the house and make friends.

I don’t agree with some of these comments. I think you are absolutely right to want some support from your mum after having a newborn and especially if you sister had the same! X

Well I totally agree with you op

I think it's disgraceful... everyone I know who has had a baby has a huge amount of support from their mum. My own mum died before my DC were born, but I'd have been devastated if she hadn't been wanting to help me.