No help from my mum

[Chickadoo]

I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable by expecting some help from my mum after having a baby.

I understand that having a baby was my choice and I knew the circumstances etc etc. I also do not expect my mum to come over and help all the time. She has her own life. I understand this.

But, my mum hasn't once come over during the week to help me with my newborn since he's been born. She has come over at weekends with a bit of reluctance (she would rather me come to hers). I understand she feels more comfortable in her own home, but I did say to her it will be more difficult for me to come to her after the baby is born, as it's a 45 min bus ride (I don't drive), and more difficult with a fussing baby. She doesn't drive either, so she would also have to do the 45 mins bus to mine, but I also live relatively near her work, so why not come to mine?

She is always going on about wanting to see her new grandson, how much she loves him, and how she wants him to know who she is when he's young. However, she'll never come over.

It would also be nice for me if she was able to come over, even just every so often, so I could do some more things in the house or just have someone to talk to (my partner is in the Navy, so is away for the next 4 months for the most part)

My mum knows how tough having a new baby can be, she's told be about her experience with my sister when she was a baby, how she almost went stir crazy with little help and no company. So I think she knows I'd be finding it tough.

I know it's a bit of an effort, but she'll travel over an hour on the train to see my sister quite often (once a month)

Anyway, she never comes over during the week. Maybe I'm being too sensitive and unreasonable for thinking she would want to, or make an effort. Thoughts?

She works in the week. Shes coming at weekends. Youre being v unreasonable

She has every morning and afternoon free in the week and doesn't come every weekend.

I think you're getting a hard time on here OP. Typical MN race to the bottom. It's perfectly normal (and really quite common) for grandparents to help out with grandchildren. My DD and her family have recently moved much closer to us so we can help out more. We weren't consulted, they just decided it was a good idea (even though son-in-law has to stay in London during the week), so now we help out quite a bit even though we're both still working. We love our daughter and grandchildren, so naturally we want to help when we can, as any loving parent would do if they're able. I don't understand your mother's attitude at all. If she works close to where you live surely she can pop in before work occasionally?

Yes that’s exactly what I’d expect. Or women need to be in a relationship with men that don’t have jobs that require working away

Have you discussed with your partner about him changing career because you need more support? You really should be looking to him first.

I have said that I won't be able to come to hers as much, as the bus with a baby is a little too much, and that she may have to come over to mine more... to which she said she would. She also has said that when my partner goes to sea, she'll be seeing the baby more. But now it appears to be that is only the case if I come over to hers

Yanbu. That's really shitty.

Fwiw, my mum is dead so I didn't get any help obviously but everyone I know who has a baby and a mum living relatively near has had a lot of help and support especially in the early days.

It would be nice if she did come more. I think a lot of us are just used to having no help at all, and we're probably a bit jealous of people with help or even just family who visit for a chat. The most help I've ever had from my parents was two hours babysitting, and they've visited a couple of times (they live a lot further away though). My kids are aged 8 and 4, so that's two hours help in eight years.

Again, why haven't you asked her to stay for a few days? She could go to work from yours.

Do you ever invite her over? Or ask her to meet you somewhere halfway for lunch/coffee/a walk in the park?

I don't think it's realistic or fair to expect her to do all the travelling, tbh.

Do you think these jobs have transferable skills that would translate well to 9-5 work while earning enough money to support everyone?? My DH has been looking to get out of a role like this for years but no one is interested in hiring him for even close to the living wage.

In fact both DH and I have notoriously family unfriendly jobs and we do it with the help of our mothers. They wouldn’t see us struggle and they want to have a strong relationship with their grandson. they both got help from their grannies with us too so they see it as passing it forward.

OP is literally just looking for company during the week, not even for her mum to take on caring roles. That would be the same if her OH was working a 9-5 or away for months at a time. Its not a lot to ask if you actually like your child IMO.

People say all sorts of things they don't really mean, or at least aren't able to follow through on. She may mean it in the moment, but then in reality gets tired out or distracted by other things when it comes to it.

Yeah, it’s always women who are expected to fill in the gaps for these men - for free of course. Is that fair?

Of course it’s not. But the OP isn’t asking her mum for childcare in place of her husband. She’s asking for her mum to visit her for company. Which as I said, would probably be the same if he had a normal 9-5 too.

I'd be upset and/or surprised if I was you too, not sure why everyone is being mean to you, clearly they were all perfect super mums who never needed a mothers love or help or had mean mums!

My mum lived more than a 4 hours drive away from me when I had newborns but she still drove and took trains that distance to spend time with them when they were tiny and I made as much effort to get to her too, we took it in turns pretty much probably once a month/6 weeks. I remember having to breastfeed in a traffic jam once when we had been stationary on the motorway for over an hour, and he was screaming his head off! And lots of panicked dashes to service station toilets, babe in arms, when traffic delays had left me desperate and there wasn't time to get prams out of car boots! Anyway TMI...

I rang her in floods of tears once with the second who refused to sleep, and I was struggling to cope and she came that weekend and stayed up in the night with the baby to just give me one nights sleep. Most of the visits were for her enjoyment rather than helping me, but she made a lot of effort because she wanted to.

My comment there wasn’t aimed at OP though, was it? It’s this expectation that women exist to facilitate these men, they don’t, and it’s incredibly sexist to expect them to. Why don’t either of you ask your dads to help out with childcare, why is it all on your mums?

OP is your dad around? Can he help?
I agree it’s surprising she doesn’t want to come over more but maybe is nervous of travelling on her own or has a daily routine before work.

I do think it's shitty when people say stuff like that they want to spend time with their grandchildren whilst not making any effort. Is she more fussed about how she appears to other people maybe?

Agree with PP, I'd be seeking baby groups locally for company. The right people can be a great support here especially if your partner can't support you.

could you perhaps ask her to stop over for a night or two?she could then still go to work without it involving the 45 min ew trek. -straight up tell her your feeling a bit lost and would love if she could come and offer support/company. She isnt a mind reader

I find these threads so interesting as I can't see how you are being unreasonable in any way, you've just had a baby, of course you want help and company. You don't stop being a mum when your children are adults, I think it's entirely reasonable to want your mum! No advice though, mine was the same and now the grandchildren are grown up she doesn't have a proper relationship with them. Her mum helped loads and even had me to stay as a child for weeks in the holidays and yet still nothing! It's a real shame.

It seems that you think you two are close but you can't be close with someone who is horrible about your partner or who only gives lip service to wanting to see more of her grandchild.

I can understand you wanting it and wanting some help/companionship but you need to look elsewhere

Do you have baby groups nearby? Is your health visitor any good?

If she won’t visit during the day and go to work from the OP’s house, I doubt she’d want to stay over at OP’s house for a day or two

Thanks so much for asking, my dad is an entirely dysfunctional abusive alcoholic and I haven’t spoken to him for 12 years. My brother and my mums new partner both are incredibly involved too but they both work full time whereas my mum does not. My FIL also works 10 hour days 5-6 days a week so is not available to assist with childcare, but he also has helped us here and there. He has done more for us than this OPs mum has anyway that’s for sure. the bottom line is we are lucky enough that we have family that want to help.

I did not say that OP or her mum exists to facilitate this man. Without getting into the debate of whether we need a navy/police/soldiers I was wondering what actual advice people might have, what other jobs can her DH do? Saying ‘you shouldn’t have had a baby with this man’ or ‘you should have thought about this before having a baby with him’ is completely pointless and unhelpful.

OPs mum unfortunately does not seem to want the kind of relationship with her daughter and grandson that OP expected or imaged. OP is not BU to be upset by this. I would be upset by it too.

I must admit that if it was my mum I would just ask her why she hasn’t come to visit in the week and reaffirm that I’d love to see her. I wouldn’t say it in an angry way, just trying to figure out what was going on.

I’m not saying you have said that, I’m pointing out that 9 times out of 10 (or more, frankly) it’s women being expected to help, and men are not held to the same standards, or called bad fathers if they don’t provide free childcare for their grandkids. As a society we need to challenge that, especially when the child’s own father isn’t changing their life at all to adjust to being a father.

Whilst I understand OPs upset regarding her mum, it’s the child’s father who is actually responsible for the child here, not her mother.