No help from my mum

[Chickadoo]

I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable by expecting some help from my mum after having a baby.

I understand that having a baby was my choice and I knew the circumstances etc etc. I also do not expect my mum to come over and help all the time. She has her own life. I understand this.

But, my mum hasn't once come over during the week to help me with my newborn since he's been born. She has come over at weekends with a bit of reluctance (she would rather me come to hers). I understand she feels more comfortable in her own home, but I did say to her it will be more difficult for me to come to her after the baby is born, as it's a 45 min bus ride (I don't drive), and more difficult with a fussing baby. She doesn't drive either, so she would also have to do the 45 mins bus to mine, but I also live relatively near her work, so why not come to mine?

She is always going on about wanting to see her new grandson, how much she loves him, and how she wants him to know who she is when he's young. However, she'll never come over.

It would also be nice for me if she was able to come over, even just every so often, so I could do some more things in the house or just have someone to talk to (my partner is in the Navy, so is away for the next 4 months for the most part)

My mum knows how tough having a new baby can be, she's told be about her experience with my sister when she was a baby, how she almost went stir crazy with little help and no company. So I think she knows I'd be finding it tough.

I know it's a bit of an effort, but she'll travel over an hour on the train to see my sister quite often (once a month)

Anyway, she never comes over during the week. Maybe I'm being too sensitive and unreasonable for thinking she would want to, or make an effort. Thoughts?

Some odd comments on here. My mum lived 300 miles away when both my daughters were born. She travelled straight here to stay with me for a week and has always done as much as she can to help (she was never in the way/never controlling just helpful). I think I just wanted to feel supported and cared for. I feel a lot of people would love to see their parent enthusiastic about seeing their grandchild and asking to pop over rather than you having to ask! If my daughters have children I know I’ll give them whatever support they need because I love them and I know how hard parenting is, if I can I’d love to relieve some of that stress and pressure even if for only a bit at a time. It’s sad when our expectations don’t match our reality.

You asked a question, I answered. Simple as

You'd like her support at this time but did the two of you talk before the baby was born about how often she would come over and help you? Maybe you've been assuming she would come as much as she could manage, and she's been assuming that you understand she works evenings and needs the daytimes for other things. If you're close you could try telling her that you miss her and also your husband, and that it would be lovely if she could drop in for an hour or two some days before work and get to know her grandson. Make it more of an invitation than a request for help and she might be more willing to come.

If she doesn't drive, and works, her time is limited. What help do you need? 🤷‍♀️

Stop drip feeding and give the whole story in your initial post. It might impact the responses you’ve got.

Have seen your update re her working part time in evenings.

Yanbu at all.

I think it is a shame she doesn't want to help her daughter or spend time with her grandchild. Of course it isn't your right to have the help but it would be nice, wouldn't it? Any reasonable person would surely be only too happy to help their daughter out for a few weeks after giving birth. In your situation I wouldn't be busting a gut to get on a bus to visit her at the weekends. Maybe she could stay with your overnight then she wouldn't have such a commute to work the next day.

I really don't understand this sort of attitude. I willingly and happily went to great lengths to help my daughters out after giving birth - driving from another country to spend time with them.

YANBU to want your mum to want to help. I am so jealous of friends that have this luxury. However YABU for all the reasons above. Doesn’t make it nice though does it 😭

Is there a disability reason why none of you drive with such long and complicated public transport connections ?

Oh fgs .. just seen the drip feed .. MS ? Then I guess you get (or should get if never applied ) DLA /PIP high rate mobility ?

If so then take up the offers of free driving lessons , adapted cars, free licence and insurance .. !!

My spina-bifida friend is wheelchair bound and has a hand controlled car .. and two kids under 5 .

DLA? I wish people would keep pim if they don’t know what they’re talking about

She isn't drip feeding. She answered a previous poster's question about why she doesn't drive.

It's* TheGaGGGGGGGG
*
So you don't know that some people are in transition from DLA to PIP ??? That's why my post said DLA/PIP !!

I think you are getting a really tough time on here, especially given it is an emotional time. I know both my mum and partner's mum would be wanting to help out as much as possible and see the baby as much as possible and I'd expect to do the same to mine. Lots of grandmothers do! It is totally reasonable to feel disappointed that your mum isn't one of them.

I expect if she was demonstrating support in other ways, you may be less hurt by the lack of regular visits. For example, if was saying that she would love to visit but she is tired and instead suggests a call every day to check in with you or providing reassurance etc. I do think it is worth asking for more support and seeing how she responds - for example the PP's suggestion of inviting her to stay so she can have a shorter commute and see you more. Wishing you well.

i had twins my mum never helped me with anything in fact she has never helped me with anything my entire life. You can’t expect help from others it’s up to them

She works, has her own house to clean/shop for and cook, laundry, she doesn't drive and probably has her own little routine she's used to but she does come visit at the weekends if she doesn't have plans by the sound of it.

I don't see where she's being unreasonable tbh, I think you should probably visit her house a few times and then invite her for lunch in the week if you feel the need to.

Your mother has her own life and whilst she doesn't mind weekend visits I would start building your own little support system with baby groups and the like, it's unfair to expect so much from one person when they didn't help you make the baby themselves.

Young babies are actually quite boring. I suspect that's why I rarely saw my mum from week to week either, and she was fifteen minutes away. Never having a break was part of the reason I went back to work at four and five months each time.
Is your dad around?

It’s entirely reasonable to hope that your mum will make an effort to help you as a new mum. Doesn’t sound like you are talking about having sole childcare for multiple days, just a bit of support.

I am not there yet but I really hope I won’t be one of these parents that think that any effort/involvement ends at 18.

She doesn’t have to of course, but it’s sad if she can’t make the effort and your feelings are valid.

OP, if you need some extra company and support, have you made contact with Aggies? Also any social groups for Navy spouses.
www.aggies.org.uk

I have this issue and call it performance grandparent, it’s to keep saying I want to visit more, I want to spend lots of time with them and normally post what an amazing grandparent they are on social media but then don’t show up, don’t visit more and put it all on the parents to visit the grandparents house more. If they didn’t say how much they want to visit you wouldnt expect it.

From experience these type of grandparents also seem to keep a tally on how many times you visited and how many hours you have seen the other grandparents and then complain if you have seen other people for 30mins more than them.

I don't think your being unreasonable, I would feel hurt too. It's really hard with a newborn , she could come after work and have dinner with you x

Have you tried actually suggesting to her that she come over for the afternoon before work, suggest you have lunch/early tea together - or ask her if she wants to come after work and spend the night etc

She may want to not overdo things and be waiting for the sign from you that she can - so she's dropping hints about wanting to see you and the baby more often, expecting you to say 'why don't you come on Tuesday' rather than a non commital agreement that it would be nice

My partner is looking for a shore post and has applied for one this week. He is incredibly supportive, it just so happens that he works in the Navy. I knew this when we first got together, so that is on me. But I wasn't going to drop a man who is truly an amazing partner to me and wonderful dad, because of his work. I do understand what you're saying, and I also think there is a huge gap in how much women sacrifice compared to men. However, my partner earns a much higher wage than me, so he simply cannot just find work ashore with the same pay.

Im hardly drip feeding, am I. I really don't have all day to disclose every detail... my MS isn't hugely relevant within this discussion as I'm not in a relapse, it's just a reason as to why I'm not driving.