No help from my mum

[Chickadoo]

I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable by expecting some help from my mum after having a baby.

I understand that having a baby was my choice and I knew the circumstances etc etc. I also do not expect my mum to come over and help all the time. She has her own life. I understand this.

But, my mum hasn't once come over during the week to help me with my newborn since he's been born. She has come over at weekends with a bit of reluctance (she would rather me come to hers). I understand she feels more comfortable in her own home, but I did say to her it will be more difficult for me to come to her after the baby is born, as it's a 45 min bus ride (I don't drive), and more difficult with a fussing baby. She doesn't drive either, so she would also have to do the 45 mins bus to mine, but I also live relatively near her work, so why not come to mine?

She is always going on about wanting to see her new grandson, how much she loves him, and how she wants him to know who she is when he's young. However, she'll never come over.

It would also be nice for me if she was able to come over, even just every so often, so I could do some more things in the house or just have someone to talk to (my partner is in the Navy, so is away for the next 4 months for the most part)

My mum knows how tough having a new baby can be, she's told be about her experience with my sister when she was a baby, how she almost went stir crazy with little help and no company. So I think she knows I'd be finding it tough.

I know it's a bit of an effort, but she'll travel over an hour on the train to see my sister quite often (once a month)

Anyway, she never comes over during the week. Maybe I'm being too sensitive and unreasonable for thinking she would want to, or make an effort. Thoughts?

I think your feelings are absolutely reasonable. I think I understand that if she's always saying things like "oh I wish I saw DGS more" but not actually doing anything about it, it might feel like she's expecting you to wave a magic wand to make it easier to visit.
However, you can't control other people, only how you react to them.

I do think you need to probably find support - is the welfare or families help any good where you are? Or have a look at the local village or town for baby groups and family support like Homestart. Your health visitor may have some info.

And if you get comments from your mum about not seeing enough of DGS then just reply with "yes it's a shame isn't it" and let her figure out for herself what she wants to do about that.

So she does visit every now and then?! How often are you hoping for?

It's ok to feel sad that you're not as much a priority in her life as you perhaps thought. But don't let it get you down or spoil your relationship (unless there's more backstory obvs).

She works and have her own life. She can love her grandchild without being there helping day to day. That's the difference between being a mother and a grandmother.

The problem isn't your mum - the problem is that you chose to have a baby knowing your partner regularly worked away for large chunks of time and that you were struggling with MS. It's not your mum's place to step up and provide the support that should be coming from your DP.

Coming to visit weekends sounds fine to me, and you could always travel to hers or arrange to meet her for lunch/coffee in the middle if you wanted to.

Having said that though, I am surprised your mum hasn’t come to visit at all yet.

The grandmother has visited:

She has come at the weekends intermittently

I think as her daughter with MS has just had a baby, and her daughter's partner is working away, the OP's mother could be a better mother than she is currently being and give her daughter more support.

I would be frustrated too OP. Especially her wanting you to go to her. You’re a new mum with absolutely no support. How was yours and your mums relationship pre baby?

i am disgustingly lucky to have both grannies eager to be as involved as possible and taking childcare days so I can work and also rest. It’s something I checked with both of them before having him though. I set my expectations for what their involvement would be so was able to be realistic about it

I don't think it ever crossed my mind to ask my mum to just pop in and "help". She works, she comes at weekends, I'm not sure why you judge this to be not enough.

How does the conversation go when she says she'd like to see grandson more? Do you reply with a concrete suggestion? I just wonder if there could be a communication gap.

More than the child's father? Or anyone from his family? These things should be considered before pregnancy.

I totally understand this. There is a bigger back story. When my partner is here, my mum is very nasty and spiteful if I'm spending time with him. She's told me many times 'she is looking forward to him going to sea, so she'll see her grandson more' . (She's never been left out, is always been made to feel welcome and my partner has been lovely to her, she just doesn't like him). But now he has gone, she isn't seeing him more. I don't know what to think really

Genuine question. Do you expect the father to leave his job to suit family life better? We would have no dads in the navy, police or army. Or should a woman not date/marry anyone in these professions?

Presumably OP knew she had MS and her husband was in the navy before the baby arrived? The midwife should have helped her find support.

I can't imagine treating any of my daughters like this.

When I had my three children my mother came from a different country for a month. I didn't even have to ask.

What is she like as a mum?

I think people need to think about the reality of having a partner who works away when they start a family, yes. That may mean the partner finding a more "9-5" type job or deciding that, actually, they don't want a child with someone who's never there.

I mean, I don't even want children and would still never date someone who was in any of those jobs as I don't believe they're compatible with a healthy work/life balance or a good relationship.

On MN, there’s this weird stance that your parents don’t need to show any interest in your baby/child as they have their own life to get on with.

In reality, so many parents make the effort and try their upmost best to support their child and grandchild. Unfortunately, my mum is like your mum OP. Except she doesn’t work and moans about how much she misses her grand babies but doesn’t put any effort in to see them.

Meanwhile, my friends have mum’s that work full time and go over and beyond to help their children out. Some parents just aren’t willing to put the effort in but MN will tell you they don’t need to give a fuck in the first place.

I also think it’s a massive cultural thing too

So what's the backstory with your partner? Does she have a reason not to approve of your relationship - does she think you shouldn't have had a baby with him maybe?

Simply, yes. If their partner expects/wants him to be a good dad and partner and doesn’t want to or can’t cope with doing it all alone, he should leave before having children. Women have to often work jobs that are compatible with motherhood, it’s not unreasonable to expect the same from men. Do you consider all the jobs women can’t do because they have to factor so much childcare as their husband is working away for months on end?

I think if his wife and child needs him at home more then yes he should consider a job that involves less travel. And I say that as someone whose husband is regularly away for periods of time.

If they aren't going to make that decision then it's not fair to complain that someone else doesn't step up to provide more support in his absence.

I really was just asking if I was being unreasonable to think my mum might have come to visit more, considering the circumstances. I do not expect it, and I am by no means a spoilt brat, nor demand it.

I'm am not a particular need of extra support, but of course, it's always a bit hard, and help is always appreciated.

My mum and I are pretty close. This is why I thought she might have come round a little bit more.

You say you are close so I suspect you have asked why she doesn't visit more; what did she say?

If your that close talk to her. Nobody on here can solve your dilemma. It's between you two.

If he has a baby with a woman with MS, which I know can be absolutely brutal, he should find a job that doesn't take him away for long periods. Yes, I think that. A lot of parents have to make such decisions for the sake of the family.

Thank you for this, I was starting to think that expecting a little bit of support during the week/time to time is a completely unreasonable ask.

I just find it harder to understand, as I would absolutely be there for my child if this were them.

I agree, I find mumsnet very odd on issues like this. I truly don't know anyone who would be so uncaring towards their child, let alone one who has MS and a husband who works away. Totally bizarre.