My kid is unpopular - can I help?

[PeppaSheep]

I think my child is unpopular, and I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to help.
He is 7 years old. We live in quite a small community and my husband and I have known most of the other school parents one way or another for many years. So we are included in birthday parties and get togethers at people’s houses, plus school and village events. What I am seeing is that my son is unwanted and ignored by his school friends. When we arrive in the playground no one makes a beeline for him. He goes over to a group of boys to join in and they don’t even look at him, just carry on. He tried to tell one of them something yesterday and the other child just turned away to his friend.
I’ve observed this over some time now so I don’t think I’m imagining it. All I’ve got from his teachers on the matter is that he’s fine and plays with lots of people. But this doesn’t match what I’m seeing. Sometimes he’ll seem to be playing with someone but I get the distinct impression it’s on the other kid’s terms and they seem a bit frustrated with my son.
Is there anyway I can help? He’s desperate to be friends and play with people. I’ve tried to arrange play dates and have had some but haven’t been invited to many.
I keep wondering maybe if he had better clothes or cooler toys or gave out sweets after school - but that’s not right is it? It wouldn’t be good advice for an adult.

I agree with this. You need to take a step back and watch how he interacts with other kids. How is he at home. Does he have siblings, how is he with them? Friends kids?

I hated the "cliques" with my eldest but with my younger ones I realised all these parents did was just talk to whoever was stood next to them in the playground consistently. So I did that and found the cliques didn't exist anywhere but in my head.

It's tough in a small village primary school if you don't fit in. Can you find out what the other kids are into (football, minecraft etc) and help him just have enough frame of reference that he can participate? Even if it's not his thing/not your thing as a family? For example, on our village all the boys and lots of the girls are football mad. We don't follow football as a family but I'm aware we may need to when our son starts school.

So he has a couple of sport related extra curriculas, also attended by the kids who aren’t ‘into’ him. There’s not masses to do where we live and you find the same people at all of them! He isn’t very sporty even if he likes doing the activities, which i gather doesn’t help with being popular when you’re a seven year old boy. He isn’t the one scoring the goals poor thing!

Agree with the other comments re observing objectively to see if he's doing something to annoy the other kids or put them off. There's a child in our year group who has increasingly struggled finding a friendship group but when you observe you can see why the other kids are put off - e.g., joining a sports team that's quite competitive but then not paying attention/mucking around and so the team does poorly, etc. Another example was seeing my child doing an activity she wanted to do but instead of asking can I have a go, whining "I haven't had a turn". Doesn't help in this case the child has form also for lying and the kids are old enough (9/10 year olds) to know she's lying and I think a lot are put off by that. So it's not necessarily really obvious on the face of it, but if you really pay attention you can see why this child is rubbing other kids the wrong way.

I'll make an odd suggestion: My daughter was a tom boy and fitted in better with the boys at primary school, to the point she only had boy friends at that age. At secondary school it flipped and her friends were mainly girls/mixed.
Could your boy have better friendship luck with the girls? Or doing more girly things like dance classes etc? There are men who have always got on better with females than males because they weren't into sports etc like most men.
Good luck, but don't put pressure on him of course.

The best things you can do in my opinion is foster the idea that his way of being is just fine.
Don't attempt to buy him things or give himself tips about how to fit in more. Don't push him into more mainstream "boy activities" when he doesn't particularly enjoy them.
These only create a mask and prevent your son from being himself, and feeling happy in himself. Trying to fit in is tiring and energy sucking.

If he shows an interest in something encourage that. Chances are that down the line, as he moves further through education and life he will meet others with similar interests. This was my experience with my young adult son.

Don't belittle or discredit mainstream boy activities either in the hope of making him feel better. Otherwise you run the risk of sabotaging friendships much further down the line in adulthood where people don't connect with others because of the type of job and hobbies they have.

Mine was struggling at this age and part of the reason was that she could not hold back from telling someone if they were doing something they might get in trouble for.
I found this book helpful - I did some role playing with her on when to say something and when not to.

https://amzn.to/3XHPKAx

I agree that you need some insights into what exactly is going on first though. Maybe try and talk to your child as you are walking side by side and see if you can get any little snippets that reveal anything.

At this age you can help though and you are trying to ☺️

Give him obviously, not give himself. Don't know why phone corrected like that.

Thank you so much for this! My DD also cannot help herself from telling other children they’re doing something wrong. I’ve tried a few gentle conversations with different situations and she wasn’t really getting it. So I’ll have a read of this!

Does he share interests with his peers? Would he get along better with the girls?

You say it’s a small community - how many boys are in his class?

It won’t be the “cool stuff” at age 7. (I assume that his interests aren’t uncool ie babyish)

As pp said you should work on his confidence because positive energy will help make friends.

7yos are all v different. My just turned 7yo is a bit babyish in her likes and dislikes but she is the v youngest in her school yr; tbh I regret not holding her back

Be open to genuine feedback about your child. Your thread seems to imply there's something wrong with all the other children - but the common denominator is your child.

There's a child like this in my child's school. She's a little bitch frankly but parent thinks it's everyone else is bullying her. Simply not true. That child is telling her parents that is x, y, z being mean to her. It's not. They're avoiding her because she's mean, devious, calculating and wants to ultimately get others into trouble, all whilst looking like butter doesn't melt.

Take a look closer to home before blaming others.

Can you start a hobby group based around something he does enjoy?

Otherwise I'd say different school. It's miserable all school day otherwise, and that's a LOT of days.

@Askingfortroible I wondered if it was all in my head but have since discovered a lot of them went to (a very posh) school together, so I wasn't entirely wrong about the vibes.

Some of the parents are lovely too, it's fine really, I was just surprised to see it back again at this time of life - also I'm not there to meet drinking friends, I just want to help my kids make friends

No good advice op but you have my sympathy. My DD 11 is the same and has never really had a best friend or even a group of friends, she always seems to be on the outside a bit. She doesn't talk about it directly upsetting her so I don't bring it up. On the upside there is drama about falling out with BFF's etc but it is heart breaking when you realise they have no real friends.

What about karate or cubs for DS away from your home town/village so he can meet some other kids. My DS does football with a team with no-one from his school which I think is good for them as they interact with different kids, he hasn't made any great friends there but it's just different kids to interact with.

My eldest was/is like that! He is neurodiverse, struggled with social skills, didn't ever want to play football or the sorts of games the other kids wanted to play. He would have been much happier left in the classroom reading his book. We encouraged friendships and activities away from school, he very much enjoyed Cubs/Scouts. As he got into secondary school he made more connections with the people who were into computer coding, dugeons and dragons, Lego, space. He now has a good group of friends but it is tough.

As a parent all you can do is provide him with opportunities to meet people who are more on his wavelength. Not just boys either - the girls too!!

I fully agree with this but sometimes it's hard to do this as they get older and you can't witness them in school etc

To an extent you rely on their testimony, which as you say may be misleading

Especially hard if the teacher says all is fine

I don't think you can buy friends with sweets, toys, etc. If the other kids aren't interested in him it's likely his behaviour / attitude that's the problem:

• not interested / particpating in the games that most of the others enjoy
• talking at people rather than to them
• talking incessantly
• being too competitive
• not sharing or taking turns
• not being compassionate
• not being able to compromise
• being a snitch
• trying to control the game
• excluding others
• unkempt appearance

Could it be any of these? If so, then I would encourage him to change his behaviour in that respect.

My children were a bit like this - turns out that have inattentive adhd and were missing social ques and this sort of thing is missed by adults they were around but kids pick up on it.
my suggestion is find him a team sport for bonding and / or other kids who miss social ques too

I feel your pain OP.
my son didn't make friends well so I got friendly with some of the school mums, we used to go out in groups at weekends/school holidays that seem to work- he's now got a good group of friends, but doesn't have a best friend but he's completley fine with that.
Good luck, it's difficult being a kid nowadays, I think some are meaner!

Many years ago, I worked in a school where one boy was ostracised and bullied by others. His mother couldn’t understand why. and you know what - it was that everyone wore V-neck jumpers and he wore a cardigan.

Hang on, do you actually need to do anything? Teacher says he plays with everyone and doesn't think there's a problem. Your OP seems to leap several steps from nobody running to greet him to him being "desperate" for friends. I wonder if he has expressed that desperation or if it's something you're ascribing to him. Has he told you he is unhappy or that he doesn't have friends? At seven most children do not live in a glittering social whirl. Casually knocking around with semi-familiar faces at community events, the odd playdate every now and then, party and event invites ... this sounds like a pretty normal amount of interaction. What is it that is causing you concern?

Are there any clubs or activities he would enjoy? Sometimes the friendships develop through a shared interest.
Otherwise as PPs have said it maybe a case of not having found his tribe yet.
There isn't much you can do unfortunately and any attempts to engineer friendships will likely be counterproductive.

Thanks for all the messages and suggestions. Maybe he tries too hard because he wants to get in with them, maybe he come across as bragging because he’s trying to impress them. I’ll listen out for that when I’m in earshot.

I appreciate people’s empathy, and messages about their own children experiencing this and how it worked out. It’s the start of another school year so perhaps change is inevitable. Things might look different in a few months.

Lots of food for thought here. Thank you.