My kid is unpopular - can I help?

[PeppaSheep]

I think my child is unpopular, and I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to help.
He is 7 years old. We live in quite a small community and my husband and I have known most of the other school parents one way or another for many years. So we are included in birthday parties and get togethers at people’s houses, plus school and village events. What I am seeing is that my son is unwanted and ignored by his school friends. When we arrive in the playground no one makes a beeline for him. He goes over to a group of boys to join in and they don’t even look at him, just carry on. He tried to tell one of them something yesterday and the other child just turned away to his friend.
I’ve observed this over some time now so I don’t think I’m imagining it. All I’ve got from his teachers on the matter is that he’s fine and plays with lots of people. But this doesn’t match what I’m seeing. Sometimes he’ll seem to be playing with someone but I get the distinct impression it’s on the other kid’s terms and they seem a bit frustrated with my son.
Is there anyway I can help? He’s desperate to be friends and play with people. I’ve tried to arrange play dates and have had some but haven’t been invited to many.
I keep wondering maybe if he had better clothes or cooler toys or gave out sweets after school - but that’s not right is it? It wouldn’t be good advice for an adult.

What does he think and say about it? Does he feel left out/ does he say that any of the other kids have said anything to him about not wanting him around?

The reason I ask is because I’m interested in how focused you are on it… do you think any of this could be your stuff? I’m noticing that I’m really sensitive to any perceived criticism/ unfriendliness/ mockery of my kids by any others. In fact it happened just yesterday when two older kids were mocking my son. I was FURIOUS! And he was fine and didn’t notice and found someone else to play with. It really was my stuff because I had a tough time at school!

@Montydone yes I think parents often perceive slights that children don't, often because they aren't slights at all. Rather, children aren't bound by the same social codes as adults. Eg it's perfectly normal for a child to break off mid-conversation and run around the playground three times, or suddenly start acting like Batman, or pick their nose, or just lose interest and the other kids won't think this is rude because it's not intended to be.

At 7 i really don't think most of them care about clothes etc. Its more about how they behave, shared interests etc.

the only thing you can really do is watch out for obvious socially undesirable behaviours and discourage them.
So keep an eye out for:

• boasting
• constantly telling on others
• crying/whinging if you don't win/get your way

These sorts of things tend to make a child less popular/fun to play with.

By contrast the kids mine like to play with are:

• funny/good natured
• compromise readily
• are kind/thoughtful

I think this applies to DS. He finally settled with a knot of friends in y6, who were either recently diagnosed ND or have an ND sibling, but it took years.

In his case it wasn't helped by the Covid era affecting the entirity of being 7 across y2 & y3 as friendship groups became more focused. Some children were allowed to school. Some children had closely embedded friendships often pre-dating yR where parents were happy to meet up, and DS just got left at the periphery with no social contact and regressed. He'd watch programmes like Pokémon then sob that he hadn't got friends like Ash.

He loves sport, but even football wasn't enough. Watching him play, he skips along the edge of the action but got stuck on people not passing the ball to him nicely, and couldn't grasp that you have to get mucky and fight for it. He's got technical skill, but can't seem to combine it with reading the game socially. (I can't even keep score and follow the action and keep up with who does what)
He does best at solo sports although that's not really lead to friendships, but it is a broader social experience which is still useful.
He gets on well with other children at junior parkrun, and that works well because it's you against the clock, not the ironic cut-throat world of "team" sport.

It's really tough when they're stuck in a closed community without enough mix to find their own tribe.

Older DS is more straight-forward. He's autistic, can take people or leave them and doesn't pine after wanting friendships. I don't stress about his lack of social life because he's content.

Agree with PP saying is there actually a problem. If your DS isn’t bothered then don’t put a problem into his head that isn’t there.

However, if you think it does bother him or will shortly, and you really want to try to get to the bottom of it, here’s a (scary) idea: talk to some of those families you’ve known for years, and ask them: Is there something your boy does that annoys or puts off others? You’ll need to stress that you want them to be honest because otherwise they’ll give you flannel.

Less scary: invite kids round to yours and see how he interacts with them - of course this only works if they accept. Watching him at a sports club isn’t really the same, it’s unstructured play where any social issues show up.

I really think that if he goes to School and seems happy ,then maybe you are getting a bit over involved TBH. Lots of children are like this .Its a few kids who are Mr or Miss Popular ,many are middling .You say his Teachers arent worried and I think you should maybe back off a little .You dont want him to start feeling self concious!

My DS is7 and struggling too. He's always struggled to be honest, I think it's genetic! He can be quite highly strung sometimes which I don't think helps, his sister is much more laid back and seems to make friends much easier. Its a hard one because I can't change who he is, nor would I want too, but also I feel so bad for him when he's left out. I'm doing what others have said, lots of clubs etc.

He isn't very sporty and does have quite nerdy interest, I'm hoping one day he'll find his people. He seems fairly happy and confident over all which is the main thing I think.

At 7 there is a lot you can do as a parent to sort this kind of thing out. It becomes harder as they get older so my advice would be to ignore people telling you to leave him to it and butt out and take active steps to address the situation.

My guess is that it's a combination of two factors - lack of self-confidence and a certain amount of social immaturity.

Good news is both of these can be addressed. And doing so age 7 is a lot, lot easier than then they are older.

Mine exactly like this and just diagnosed adhd and asc aged 15

Didn't anyone tell the mother? Didn't the child tell the mother?

I went to a primary without uniform and, yes, clothes were a target. I was bullied for mine.

Does he seem happy? My dd always stood on the sidelines, let others lead and would get bossed about. It infuriated me but she didn’t care at all. She was perfectly happy. She has grown up to have a very small group of friends but is perfectly content with that.

You could make him more unpopular by 'helping'

You've almost described it exactly as I experienced this watching my son- even as far as what the teachers said.

It turns out my son is Autistic/ ADHD. He has friends and is ok now because there are absolutely loads of Neurodivergent kids, especially at Secondary school. They often gravitate to each other.

Whatever is going on, try detach a little. I do believe it's significantly harder for us mum's than the kids. He probably isn't too bothered.

There’s much good advice above about possible behaviours that other children don’t like. That was the case with my DS2 at that age and unfortunately for most of juniors. We had lots of talks about it but he refused to make any changes and I can see how he could be annoying - although there was also plenty of what I would call nasty behaviour eg back turning when he approached a group from boys who I thought were his friends.

But by 11/12 things were very different and he’s had good friends in high school for years.

Some children never find their tribe though.

Throwing this in as a different suggestion.

You can explore a lot of different social interactions by commenting on how characters in programs behave.

I'm not sure what your ds is into but occasionally commenting on positive/negative behaviours shown can be useful to build social awareness and what should or shouldn't be copied.

While I think 'they'll find their tribe eventually' is probably true in many cases, I'm not sure I'd rely on this when you have a potentially unhappy, isolated child. It's great if that child can find others who they connect with and share interests with, but often what they really need at school or in other situations is just some people to hang out with - play with at break and sit with at lunch. They don't need to be best buddies, just rubbing along will do.

That's why I do think it's important to teach children to rub along with others. Social skills are just that - skills. They can be improved with practice. The problem with having a potentially socially isolated child is that they may not get the same opportunities as other children - parties, playdates, playground and park trips - to work on and improve their social skills, and learn the give and take that comes with being in social situations.

I keep wondering maybe if he had better clothes or cooler toys or gave out sweets after school

I wouldn't do the sweets thing (he shouldn't have to 'buy' friends and that one becomes tricky and potentially exploitative in early secondary school, when they're out of your control), but essentially one of the things you want to encourage him to do is to be a game-creator rather than simply a follower or a joiner-in. So some really cool toys might help to change the dynamic - a remote-controlled car or plane, a giant bubble kit, a rocket-launcher. Then at least he'd have something to focus on at the playground or at parties if everyone else is ignoring him, rather than feeling like a spare part, and it might encourage others to join in with him, rather than him wanting to join in with them.

My DC can occasionally become overwhelmed in busy social situations like parties so we usually take a sticker or puzzle book. If DC doesn't want to join in the activities, they come and sit with me. That might be an idea for parties if he's on his own and feeling a bit down.

My radical suggestion is that if you can move to an area where there is a greater pool of people to draw from, he can find his tribe earlier. He needs to be around the quirky, geeky children so that he can feel he belongs.

This is great advice, I think it’s easy to forget that the sort of thing that would annoy us as adults is also annoying for children. My son is going off a friend who consistently brings conversations back round to himself and boasts at every given opportunity.

What age did you come to know about the autism and ADHD?

I'd say I watched the scenario you described about age 9. I just thought ADHD. Had a zoom assessment privately which also involved questionnaires.
A few months later the school Head teacher dropped significant hints about Autism. I honestly just didn't see it but there were things not adding up and after 1 play date not getting invited back. We were relatively new to a small village school so I thought they were being bitchy

Had a private Autism assessment age 9

He's very sociable,has friends, plays in various football teams.

If this is what's going on, it will be absolutely ok. A diagnosis is incredibly helpful though, especially for the child's own awareness

There are so so many ND kids in mainstream school now. By secondary there will be a large pool to gravitate towards if he does end up struggling with NT kids.

My own son never complains about friend issues ever. The pain and upset was all mine