Could this be passive aggressive fat shaming?

[Blueberryancakes]

Im a UK 20 and I feel the heat. I’m always a bit warm. My work gets very hot. Big windows and no ventilation.

I rarely put the air con on because as soon as I do some of the woman I work with complain it’s too cold. I bring a desk fan to
work with me and keep it aimed at me and no one else.
I work at a doctors surgery. Lots of the patients make comments about how hot it is in the waiting room. Some even wait outside.Very often woman patients always make a comment on my fan saying how they could never work with a fan as they’d be freezing. If the air con is turned on some woman will comment how cold it is.
I think FFS it’s not you that has to sit in here all day. Men never complain, never comment. It’s mainly middle aged
woman. Yes I’m fat, yes I get hot. I try my best to have a small discreet fan on my desk. But woman seem to make such a song and dance about it.
My husband said today he thinks it’s a passive aggressive way for them to call me fat.
Anyone else think there’s any truth in this?
Is it a way to come across ultra feminine to be cold?
Sorry if this come across bonkers?

As has been said. What's feminine about walking around in multiple layers? What's feminine about saying you can't eat another meal or unnecessary snack 3 hours after a meal? Men do this too, you know.

You really don't seem to like other women much.

Good god the projection @Comedycook. Nobody cares about your feminity and nobody cares about the OPs feminist except clearly her DH.

I agree. I was very slim ( on the very low end of bmi) as a teen and pre Dc ( actually even post Dc 1) and got really, really cold.

I realised a few years ago that I don’t get as cold since putting on weight to higher up the normal bmi so I think it can be weight related. I used to moan about it incessantly in winter as I just thought I was an unlucky “ someone who feels the cold” but in hindsight I realise it was lack of padding and I also realise why some people were quite unsympathetic and 🙄 when I complained. But I really was cold. Not as often now. So yes, your DH is quite possibly right.

Not necessarily competitive thinness but I'd think it was pretty rude. Inviting people over for food and not eating anything yourself sounds pretty awkward and I'd feel quite embarrassed as a guest to sit there eating whilst the hosts had nothing. That's not because of weight...it's just a bit odd. I think you should have made a conscious effort to not eat so much for lunch so you could eat with your guests. It's pretty ill mannered

I had this in reverse. If it’s any help, after years of what was diagnosed as Raynauds at the 18-20 bmi level it has improved significantly as I moved up to the middle of normal range. Not sure exactly what point tipped it, but it’s definitely since being a mum ( and a bit less lean!) .

Oh my God, that's hilarious. Now you're telling us all how to have friendships! FYI, we've known these people for over ten years. They help themselves to our bloody food.

Why would it be awkward for them to eat while we didn't? We didn't want pizza, we wanted a picnic with our kids. We just wanted their company. Not everything revolves around food.

Also, just because they came over and ate didn't mean they came over to eat. They came over to chill out and catch up with us. Again, not everything revolves around food.

Nice passive aggressive dig there at the end. Thanks for demonstrating perfectly what I mean.

I think you'll find in most polite company, it's consider pretty rude to serve guests food and not eat anything yourself. Or are other people all having dinner parties and sitting there with empty plates watching guests eat...and I just didn't know this was a thing...

Excellent post. I mean op it’s not a scintillating conversation is it but they are just talking like people do. Perhaps they are lonely and haven’t chatted to anyone. You being conscious of your weight is your issue not theirs, try not to project. People aren’t going in and thinking how can I have a go at that fat woman, oh I know I’ll invent some convoluted way of making a passive aggressive dig.

Dinner parties? You realise friends just go to each other's houses and catch up? Sometimes there's food and sometimes there isn't. Not sure how serving up a pizza in the middle of the table, playing with the dogs, and having a few drinks could be an awkward setting if people choose not to eat. We're not a luxury restaurant.

Do you have many friends around for a catch up?

I'm so baffled.

Or are other people all having dinner parties and sitting there with empty plates watching guests eat...and I just didn't know this was a thing...

In her defence I have seen it many a time- whoever cooked it doesn't eat much at all. I assume it's because after spending all day making and tasting everything and swilling a few bottles of wine as you go you don't always have the room for much else.:D

"My husband said today he thinks it’s a passive aggressive way for them to call me fat."
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Is that not a PA way of your husband saying the same?
I work in a shop, I get very hot. Some of the staff get very cold. It's nothing to do with our size?!

Oh actually I quoted you to agree with you above over skinny-cold being a thing.

But I disagree that it is always performative. I used to get skinny cold dreadfully and it was only with putting on weight and this stopping that I realised that was behind it. I do now understand why some people seemed irritated at the time if I whinged but I genuinely felt sorry for myself ( and suffered) and thought it was something I was doomed to. I never felt feminine because of it. I felt white-purple and unable to use my hands properly.

Why would you ask a question in a tone that assumes that the poster does?

No. You have a chip on your shoulder because of your weight. And are seeing things through that misogynistic lens. That is clear.

Exactly this it’s just made up projection. If I don’t have a pudding because I don’t want to put weight on I am thinking 100% about myself I’m not looking round and thinking I really want a pudding but by not having one I will shame everyone around me who is fat. We are all totally absorbed in ourselves, it’s never about the other person.

I’ve been fat and thin and I’ve always been a cold person, no matter my size. So I don’t think it’s fat shaming really, some of us just rarely get hot. It’s just clumsy small talk.

… and knowing the dog got hold of it while she was distracted with the recipe book and had his snout all over it before the host retrieved it .

Haha, oh shit, you have a camera in my kitchen?😄

No, I do not think so!
I think it is hormonal, to be honest. When I was younger, I was always cold. Now, I am mostly hot. What is the difference? My hormones, including thyroid ones. But for many women it actually works the other way around and they feel the colder temperatures more in middle age and over.
That is it!
Do I think "this person must be made of steel" when I spot someone in shorts and tshirt when I am wearing several layers? Yes. Should I comment on it? It seems that it annoys you, likely others too, so possibly no. But I have done in the past. No hidden agenda on that.
Do not overthink this. Keep the fan if you are comfy with it.

If anyone is fat-shaming, passive aggressively or otherwise, it's your husband.

This is interesting

it’s not the same but I’m autistic and have sensory issues which lead to me wearing fewer clothes (ie. I don’t wear tights with dresses) and people always comment, which is annoying. I’m slightly overweight too and definitely feel the heat.

You're judging women for being cold but moaning they're judging you for being hot. Hmmmmm
Maybe your husband was fat shaming you himself?

Actually people not partaking up to a point can come across in a way that makes guests uncomfortable. It just kind of kills the mood- and if they have prepared it I always wonder what they know that I don’t . Think accidentally dropped it on the floor, was 3 days past use-by etc. Socialising isn’t all about the food, but it is about partaking to some degree.

I am sick of it already this year I had white fingers all day yesterday. Last year was really bad as I didn’t know I had chilblaines on my feet until I was in a lot of pain and it took ages for them to heal so this year I have to go for preventative measures! I have gone from BMI 38 to BMI 23 but as others say it could be hormones I have always had cold feet I just notice it’s a lot worse than it’s ever been before even though I am a lot fitter so I assume it’s circulatory. What else did you do to help?

It’s interesting reading this because it’s making me reflect, and apologies for straying from the original point, but I’m what I would call a normal weight but some others might describe as skinny (I disagree with that). There are so many digs from some people about what I eat / don’t eat (as others have said upthread, equating my food choices as sad or depressing or boring), comments about just eat a burger or cake, or direct comments about the size of my body. Boobs seems to be a focal point for some of my bigger friends, that I’m to be pitied or somehow am less feminine because I don’t have massive boobs. I can’t think of a way that this would be considered to be OK the other way around.

I get that it’s projection and about people being anxious about their own body but just a quick public service announcement ‘It’s not OK to comment on someone’s dietary choices or body just because they’re thinner than you. It’s embarrassing, makes me feel self conscious, like crap about myself and upset. Stop it.’