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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Email from ex?

131 replies

nc7809 · 16/09/2024 12:15

I have a toddler with my ex (1.5years).

Broken up and got back together a few times. Had been trying to "make things work" for the past year (not living together), however I ended things a couple of months ago as realised he just wasn't making us/our child a priority.

For example he could regularly go weeks without seeing dc, citing work reasons. He really just popped up when suited him.

If I ever asked him for help, or asked if he could have dc while I had an appointment/wanted to go for a meal with friends he always declined. Had plenty of time to go to the gym every day and go out with his mates though. Caught him out in many lies when he said he was working/had no time to come and see dc but he actually wasn't.

He's recently asked for every other weekend, which I had loosely agreed to. Dc still breastfed and under 2, he's never had them overnight so I thought daytimes best and then build up to overnight from age 2 was reasonable.

I've had a MASSIVE long email from him now. Sounds very legal but send from him. Saying that he wants equal shared care and this that and the other. He lives over an hour away not sure how this works!?

It sounds very threatening, and says I've prevented him having contact from birth, which isn't true. In fact most of the little contact he's had is because of the effort I've made, often taking dc to his workplace or to see his family. The effort on his end has been next to nothing.

The email is bigging himself up massively, and putting me down and making me sound like I’ve been unreasonable. I’ve always told him (since the relationship breakdown) that he can have dc but that it needs to be set days and build up to overnights, that routine is important, being settled in nursery etc.

He’s had her of a Saturday twice now, one of the weekends which should have been his Saturday he said he couldn’t due to being busy with work…

Why is someone who does this, sending me a threatening email making out like I’m preventing contact?

AIBU to think it’s manipulation and him trying to start a paper trail of some sort?

I wish I could get inside the head of these men and work out what they are thinking.

OP posts:
Igmum · 16/09/2024 12:55

Don't try to get inside his head, it isn't a nice place.

I'd be tempted to do a brief reply pointing out that this isn't true, that you've offered contact

Igmum · 16/09/2024 12:57

Pressed send too soon!

That you're happy to support contact but for DC's sake it needs to be built up slowly and be reliable.

Make sure you keep records of everything you have done to support contact and of all of his unreliability.

Also go to the CMS if you haven't already

Good luck

Icedlatteofdreams · 16/09/2024 12:58

I would respond to the email quite formally stating that you've offered contact and that he's refused and you've agreed to EOW building up to overnights from aged 2 as you are still breastfeeding. Be emotionless and factual.

Leave it as that and let him take you to court.

Coldfinch · 16/09/2024 13:03

As PP said. I would also point out some dates where you offered contact but he declined and ask him to make a formal proposal of contact and then see what he writes back.

definitely go through the CMS if you haven’t already

CuriousGeorge80 · 16/09/2024 13:03

Hi Jason,
What an odd email. Why you have sent me something so formal that is full of things that are demonstrably untrue? As you well know, I am very happy for you to have access to George and have consistently supported this since we separated, continuing even when you have cancelled agreed plans. I have even gone as far as bringing him to your work and to your family when you have claimed to not have time to come to collect him.
I assume you are happy to continue with current access arrangements of every other weekend, despite you cancelling the last visit due to “work”. George is looking forward to seeing you on Saturday so hopefully you won’t have to cancel again. As I have said on a number of occasions, once you have managed to sort out the issues that mean you haven’t been able to see him consistently or as agreed, so he can build up his understanding of being away from me/home and be more settled with you, I am really happy to explore increasing contact.
All the best,
Jenny

Original poster
nc7809 · 16/09/2024 13:04

He's not on the BC for a start, despite me asking him several times in the past 1.5yrs.

What he's written is so long it's like a novel, and it's so so patronising towards me as well. A large portion of what he's written is simply untrue as well, that's the bit that gets me.

I've seen a solicitor for advice already, but I know it will be very expensive if I go down that road. Thinking of paying the solicitor to write a response.

Not sure if this is the right approach though.

OP posts:
Original poster
nc7809 · 16/09/2024 13:05

CuriousGeorge80 · 16/09/2024 13:03

Hi Jason,
What an odd email. Why you have sent me something so formal that is full of things that are demonstrably untrue? As you well know, I am very happy for you to have access to George and have consistently supported this since we separated, continuing even when you have cancelled agreed plans. I have even gone as far as bringing him to your work and to your family when you have claimed to not have time to come to collect him.
I assume you are happy to continue with current access arrangements of every other weekend, despite you cancelling the last visit due to “work”. George is looking forward to seeing you on Saturday so hopefully you won’t have to cancel again. As I have said on a number of occasions, once you have managed to sort out the issues that mean you haven’t been able to see him consistently or as agreed, so he can build up his understanding of being away from me/home and be more settled with you, I am really happy to explore increasing contact.
All the best,
Jenny

This is great, thank you

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 16/09/2024 13:06

He's trying to manipulate a situation where he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

Moretetrafish · 16/09/2024 13:08

I'd imagine that he has a new girlfriend that he has been lying to. She would likely have helped him write the email. Don't worry about it. Send the email PP posted and keep evidence of everything.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 16/09/2024 13:11

This is most likely the precuroser to something else. Have you started talking about custody or child maintenance? Or perhaps he's got a new girlfriend who he needs to "show" his brilliant parenting (and crazy ex) to.

Either way, don't try to figure it out because it' spointless - he probably believes all this shit. But it's easily proved - he won't be able to produce the endless messages from him asking for more time or from you refusing. No court is goign to agree to 2 days, including overnight, when he only sees the chlid occassionaly. You can prove you've been keen to facilitate contact.

I would do a shorter version of @CuriousGeorge80 something like, "Hi Jason. Your email was quite confusing because it doesn't reflect our many conversations. I am very happy for you to spend time with George, as I've stated repeatedly, and, once you are regularly and consistently caring for him during the day times, overnight stays would be the obvious and welcome next step. If you'd like to arrange a set time to see him weekly/fortnightly, let's discuss that so that we can work towards those overnight stays."

Original poster
nc7809 · 16/09/2024 13:13

Coldfinch · 16/09/2024 13:03

As PP said. I would also point out some dates where you offered contact but he declined and ask him to make a formal proposal of contact and then see what he writes back.

definitely go through the CMS if you haven’t already

I suppose it's a bit more complicated in that from when our child was around 5 months old, we had been trying to make the relationship work. Up until mid this year.

So in this time he saw our dc when we were together as a couple/family.

This started off with him being quite keen, coming every week or two (still sounds rubbish for a relationship I know!). But once he got comfortable it really trailed off.

He was essentially happy to leave all the parenting to me, a turn up for sex and some fun time with dc every couple of weeks.

I worked out he was lying really regularly about his work commitments and what he was doing with his time.

When I queried (nicely, I'm not one to lose my head!), why he wasn't prioritising his "down" time or days off to come and be a parent- he'd get angry and tell me that his own time is his own time.

The relationship broke down because it was a crap one and I knew he was a liar and I felt like a single parent anyway. I think if I'd just gone along with things, he would have kept it up as it suited him well having me do everything and him floating in and out when suited him.

It's only been very recently that he's asked to have dc on his own, which I have agreed to, with reasonable stipulations such as no overnights yet. He doesn't even have a car seat, bed, pram or anything of his own.

In loosely agreeing to EOW, he's already sent me a list of times he can't do this and isn't available!

But yet has sent me an email making out like I've been mega unreasonable, preventing contact since dcs birth.

It just doesn't make sense!

OP posts:
marsvisit · 16/09/2024 13:13

I don't think the PP's suggested response is objective enough in my opinion. It's too snarky and there are no specific examples / dates listed.

If it was me I would 100% pay one off for a solicitor response so I knew I'd provided the most suitable response possible, and then record every communication subsequently. He can wait for a written response from you until such time as you can get a solicitor to write one. Do not feel pressured into rushing a reply or defending yourself.

Original poster
nc7809 · 16/09/2024 13:16

The email is like rewriting history, saying I've prevented him having proper contact since birth, when we've been in a romantic relationship?

CMS is involved again now. Initially went through them when I had dc, but this was cancelled when we started trying to have a relationship again.

OP posts:
Player5 · 16/09/2024 13:16

Moretetrafish · 16/09/2024 13:08

I'd imagine that he has a new girlfriend that he has been lying to. She would likely have helped him write the email. Don't worry about it. Send the email PP posted and keep evidence of everything.

I reckon he's probably got a new girlfriend and feed her a heap of shit as well. He's the dotting father who's been denied access by his crazy ex.

Original poster
nc7809 · 16/09/2024 13:17

He's given me 7 days to reply to his email as well, otherwise he will assume that I am preventing contact, which is a serious matter apparently Hmm

But I've already agreed, over text messages, from him to have dc the next two Saturdays.

OP posts:
CuriousGeorge80 · 16/09/2024 13:17

@marsvisit you are probably right that it’s too sarky! Don’t think I would be able to resist it but I suspect it won’t help matters. I don’t think it necessarily needs full dates, times and examples yet but I would 100% be keeping a full record of them for use later down the line.

Player5 · 16/09/2024 13:19

nc7809 · 16/09/2024 13:13

I suppose it's a bit more complicated in that from when our child was around 5 months old, we had been trying to make the relationship work. Up until mid this year.

So in this time he saw our dc when we were together as a couple/family.

This started off with him being quite keen, coming every week or two (still sounds rubbish for a relationship I know!). But once he got comfortable it really trailed off.

He was essentially happy to leave all the parenting to me, a turn up for sex and some fun time with dc every couple of weeks.

I worked out he was lying really regularly about his work commitments and what he was doing with his time.

When I queried (nicely, I'm not one to lose my head!), why he wasn't prioritising his "down" time or days off to come and be a parent- he'd get angry and tell me that his own time is his own time.

The relationship broke down because it was a crap one and I knew he was a liar and I felt like a single parent anyway. I think if I'd just gone along with things, he would have kept it up as it suited him well having me do everything and him floating in and out when suited him.

It's only been very recently that he's asked to have dc on his own, which I have agreed to, with reasonable stipulations such as no overnights yet. He doesn't even have a car seat, bed, pram or anything of his own.

In loosely agreeing to EOW, he's already sent me a list of times he can't do this and isn't available!

But yet has sent me an email making out like I've been mega unreasonable, preventing contact since dcs birth.

It just doesn't make sense!

Show quote history

Id just screen shot your conversation of you offering contact and him refusing it. Email that shit to him.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 16/09/2024 13:23

nc7809 · 16/09/2024 13:16

The email is like rewriting history, saying I've prevented him having proper contact since birth, when we've been in a romantic relationship?

CMS is involved again now. Initially went through them when I had dc, but this was cancelled when we started trying to have a relationship again.

An earlier post said, "it doesn't make sense". THIS is why he is doing it.

OP - I'll put money on him being a controlling wanker when you are together. Most women would not consider him to have have been actively involved in their DC's life from a relationship that still only involved him turning up every few weeks.

For a start, please note that you are under no obligation to respond to emails within any set timeframe when they're just sent from him. I think you SHOULD respond, but shortly and simply. There is absolutely NO point in arguing with him via email about exactly when he has seen the child or when he's cancelled or whatever. Just make the point that you have facilitated and have been happy to allow more contact than he has taken up. If he then subsequently sends you a formal letter from a solicitor, or threatens to take you to court, then you can itemise all these things. For now, what he's hoping is that if you don't respond he can say "see, she can't even deny she's alienating me."

CheekySwan · 16/09/2024 13:23

I bet he asked AI to draft his letter for him.

He is not on the BC therefore currently has no parental responsibility.

Contact a family law solicitor - most offer the first hour/app free - and get some solid legal advice, because from the sounds of it he is intending to go somewhere with this so you need to get your ducks in a row.

DadJoke · 16/09/2024 13:25

Do you have texts over time proving that he is talking shit, or was it all verbal?

Either way I would recommend a detailed, factual rebuttal, imagining a court is reading both his email and your response.

Do not make any more verbal agreements- everything by text, asking him to confirm.

Original poster
nc7809 · 16/09/2024 13:27

CheekySwan · 16/09/2024 13:23

I bet he asked AI to draft his letter for him.

He is not on the BC therefore currently has no parental responsibility.

Contact a family law solicitor - most offer the first hour/app free - and get some solid legal advice, because from the sounds of it he is intending to go somewhere with this so you need to get your ducks in a row.

That would make sense, never thought of AI.

It definitely doesn't seem to be written by him, maybe some parts. But if he's paid for legal advice surely get them to send a letter- a solicitor surely wouldn't help him draft an email to send from himself, or would they?

OP posts:
Original poster
nc7809 · 16/09/2024 13:27

DadJoke · 16/09/2024 13:25

Do you have texts over time proving that he is talking shit, or was it all verbal?

Either way I would recommend a detailed, factual rebuttal, imagining a court is reading both his email and your response.

Do not make any more verbal agreements- everything by text, asking him to confirm.

Yes, everything is on text.

OP posts:
CheekySwan · 16/09/2024 13:29

nc7809 · 16/09/2024 13:27

That would make sense, never thought of AI.

It definitely doesn't seem to be written by him, maybe some parts. But if he's paid for legal advice surely get them to send a letter- a solicitor surely wouldn't help him draft an email to send from himself, or would they?

Show quote history

Yeah, he has definitely asked AI for the letter

I would definitely go and see a family law solicitor just to see where you stand and then you will have something in writing if he does try anything

TheJones · 16/09/2024 13:30

He’s probably used chat GP.

Respond 💯 formally- use chat GP yourself to help after you’ve written it down. Don’t reply urgently and take time to go through it and proof read it.

He’s emailed instead it messages to go down a formal route and he will be using this as evidence if needed.

Anything you write make sure its correct and state evidence and references. Also anything he has said about you thats in correct-
say you’re disputing x,y z so you’re not agreeing.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 16/09/2024 13:31

nc7809 · 16/09/2024 13:27

That would make sense, never thought of AI.

It definitely doesn't seem to be written by him, maybe some parts. But if he's paid for legal advice surely get them to send a letter- a solicitor surely wouldn't help him draft an email to send from himself, or would they?

Show quote history

AI. Or possible he's given his sob story to a new girlfriend or a family member and they've helped him write it.