Email from ex?

[nc7809]

I have a toddler with my ex (1.5years).

Broken up and got back together a few times. Had been trying to "make things work" for the past year (not living together), however I ended things a couple of months ago as realised he just wasn't making us/our child a priority.

For example he could regularly go weeks without seeing dc, citing work reasons. He really just popped up when suited him.

If I ever asked him for help, or asked if he could have dc while I had an appointment/wanted to go for a meal with friends he always declined. Had plenty of time to go to the gym every day and go out with his mates though. Caught him out in many lies when he said he was working/had no time to come and see dc but he actually wasn't.

He's recently asked for every other weekend, which I had loosely agreed to. Dc still breastfed and under 2, he's never had them overnight so I thought daytimes best and then build up to overnight from age 2 was reasonable.

I've had a MASSIVE long email from him now. Sounds very legal but send from him. Saying that he wants equal shared care and this that and the other. He lives over an hour away not sure how this works!?

It sounds very threatening, and says I've prevented him having contact from birth, which isn't true. In fact most of the little contact he's had is because of the effort I've made, often taking dc to his workplace or to see his family. The effort on his end has been next to nothing.

The email is bigging himself up massively, and putting me down and making me sound like I’ve been unreasonable. I’ve always told him (since the relationship breakdown) that he can have dc but that it needs to be set days and build up to overnights, that routine is important, being settled in nursery etc.

He’s had her of a Saturday twice now, one of the weekends which should have been his Saturday he said he couldn’t due to being busy with work…

Why is someone who does this, sending me a threatening email making out like I’m preventing contact?

AIBU to think it’s manipulation and him trying to start a paper trail of some sort?

I wish I could get inside the head of these men and work out what they are thinking.

Thank you all so much for your comments and advice. Lots to think about. My solicitor is happy to write a letter of response.

However... given the thoughts here, I'm wondering if it's worth it?

Currently he doesn't have PR so really I have complete control over the situation. And I am agreeing to him having his child, so it's rather silly of him to say I'm not. It's just not on whatever weird terms he wants.

If I send a solicitors letter it may give him ideas about PR etc?

Do I just plough on, don't involve solicitor yet, ignore his silly emails? Allow him the contact that I am currently, which is what I see fit for our child.

As I said previously, if he sends these emails or keeps sending them, it's probably making it worse for him as it exposes lies and shows he isn't honest.

Given he has such a "top notch" "top line" legal term, it does seem strange that none of the emails have brought up the birth certificate and PR issue.

All he says is that we are equal parents in law, which we certainly are not at this point.

I wouldn’t waste money on a solicitor to reply at this point. As you say he’s not got PR so he’s not going to get very far, and you are offering contract. I’d send one of the responses drafted on here, and point out you’ll be willing to consider more contact once he’s able to stick to what you’ve agreed so far. He’s probably just pissed re the CMS. They all kick off when they get involved. When I told my ex I was going to the CMS if he didn’t pay me some maintenance he called me a gold digger and benefit cheat. This is despite the fact I signed my 40% of the house over to him for nothing, and the fact he didn’t pay me any direct maintenance for 12yrs. And the fact I work full time and have for 24yrs!! I quickly had an apology but just goes to show what crap they spout.

That's because ChatGPT assumes you are "legal parents in law" and he doesn't know enough to realise it's wrong.

What a prat.

I did put in to one of those ai detectors and it said it was written by a human

You've spoken to your solicitor so you have a good sense of what legal grounds he has (none). So no, I wouldn't bother paying for a solicitor's letter at this point. Short, polite email telling him you don't agree with his portrayal of things, asking when he plans to next see DC, BRIEFLY outlining the path you see to more contact ("if you're seeing him every fortnight at a minimum and have done so for long enough to feel confident being alone with him for extended periods, and have equipment at your home, I would be happy to start with single night overnights and aim to build up"). Say nothing about parental responsibility etc. Don't cancel your CMS claim.

Keep everything, open a file on your phone and screenshot all text messages with the date/time.

Make a notebook/notes on your phone and summarise every contact.

Only respond with facts. Eg As per messages on xx/xx/xx you agreed that you would collect xxx at xx:xx and return them at xx:xx. On xx/xx/xx I received a message to advise you would no longer be keeping that appointment. Due to this all contact and dates must be cancelled with at least 5 days notice, and only with agreement from me. If I am unable to accommodate cancellations it is your responsibility to arrange appropriate childcare with an approved childcare provider or (name people you would trust, eg his parents etc).

He is using the access to control you - if he cancels then if you had plans to meet friends etc then you have to cancel your plans.

Unfortunately he will likely keep putting himself first, your best hope is he gets bored and cuts contact himself or you will have to deal with his games for years.

I'd also assume either
A new girlfriend who has asked why he doesn't see his kids and he has lied and now she is helping him sort it out. Or
You said you're going through cms. He is looking for evidence of 50 50 or you preventing this so that he can pay less.

When you email back I'd try and include -
Some specific examples (we agreed contact on the following days which you later cancelled) and make sure you focus on the best interests of the child (eg you recognise that a relationship with their dad is the best thing for your child and you will work at facilitating this but it is in their best interests to build up gradually, this will require regular contact so you'd propose something along the lines of ....)

Yeah, he’s gone for the 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance. Been there done that. Ironic that he can barely manage a weekend without arguing with them, and has brought them home early and not been available on Father’s Day etc. He’s livid he has to pay me.

Still haven't responded, don't know if I'll bother at this stage. Very torn.

He'll be angry that I went to CMS for sure. He's previously said I had our child for money he's actually said it numerous times. His past contributions don't cover anywhere near half the cost of our child.

Even though I know his email and deadline are essentially meaningless, I still feel anxious and a bit bullied by it.

I've not read the full thread, just all your responses nc.

I'd suggest you do two things:

1. Lay out all the facts and evidence in a documented timeline. Email it to yourself in case you lose your device etc. All the screenshots of text messages where he's cancelled / evidence of non payment of maintenance / evidence on where you've raised things and his response / evidence of when you were in a relationship. It can be 'positive' evidence as well as 'negative' evidence (e.g. when he has done things right) - but so you have it all logged carefully and ready for wherever this might end up. Add to this regularly. Include the emails from this week and the message not sticking to the latest day agreed. All this will be needed if this ever evolves into anything.

2. Reply to the emails in as grey rock form as possible. Don't bother arguing just acknowledge you have received the emails and that your child (use their name, don't refer to them as 'our child') is looking forward to next seeing him on x date. Nothing else.
   "Thank you for your emails. Y is looking forward to seeing you when you are next available on Saturday the x."

You then don't need to think anymore about it until / unless he takes it further through PR things - at which point you'll have clear information for any lawyer to take the case on for you if you need it.

He is trying to bully you, his accusation about the money is a confession. Practically though, he’s unlikely to step up enough to be entitled to 50/50 care and won’t want it if he gets it.

As the email is patently untrue and you have the receipts, you could ignore it. Continue to reasonably accommodate his access.

My thoughts exactly.

He's a stupid prick. He thinks you had your child for CM. His contribution is a drop in the ocean. It won't cover 50% the costs of having his child. Not to mention the actual physical and emotional effort of being the primary parent. Then having to deal with his nonsense as well. Fuck wit.

Solicitor here OP, although not a family solicitor.

Please take advice from your solicitor on whether or not to reply to his emails, if he does go to court, sometimes a judge can take a dim view of unanswered correspondence.

If your solicitor advises that replying is a good idea, you can ask your solicitor to draft a reply from you to your ex, and then you can send it. That way you can feel confident that all the necessary points have been included in your reply and it won't be overly emotional.

Thank you @thinkfast!

If that's possible for a solicitor to draft and email but then it be sent by me, I wonder if that's what he's done?

Because no doubt he's told the solicitor his narrative.

However I doubt a solicitor has called themselves "top notch" haha.

On the other hand, although I have ignored his email, I have responded to his text messages this week, asking about our child and confirming plans for upcoming contact. So I'm not totally ignoring him if that makes sense!

Solicitors can often recognise an email written by another lawyer, OP. No, we wouldn't ever describe ourselves as "top notch", but your ex could've taken a letter his lawyer drafted for him and edited himself before sending. It's also possible he wrote it himself, or with help from a friend.

My childrens dad is like this. He’s been in and out of our children's lives for the past 20 years, yet he’s been a rubbish parent; not been interested in them, not paid for a thing and let them down whenever suits him. The only good thing to come out of that is that my children realise what he’s like now, so we just get on with our lives and I don’t need to have contact with him. Don’t be angry at him though, that’s what he wants. I get it would be costly, but let him take you to court. I don’t think it would actually get that far myself. He’d have to be a “dad” then and it sounds like that’s not really what he wants, as he could have done that anyway.

I’d get a calendar for the next year and mark on it everything contact time he’s going to have. If he wants 50:50, he’ll need to build up contact time with DC over the next 12 months. Let him know that contact needs to be regular as that’s in the best interest of DC which is obviously what everyone wants. Include when he can have DC overnight and what that entails.

Give him a breakdown of DC’s routine (wake up, naps, activities, bedtime) so he knows what time meals are, what they have etc and also let him know what accessories he will need (car seat, pushchair, clothes, toys, nappies, bedding, bottles, bottle warmer etc. Maybe even include how much things cost 😀).

Each time he rabbits on about contact, send him the calendar with maybe a suggestion that if he has a better idea he can let you know.

He doesn’t want 50:50. He has no idea how to be a good parent and what he needs to do. If he sees everything written down it may put him off and if he does get round to going to taking you to court they’ll see that he’s ignored a very reasonable contact schedule that you suggested ergo you haven’t obstructed contact. Don’t mention him getting PR. It’s not your job to organise his life for him. If he wants PR he can do a 5 second google and find out how to be put on the birth certificate.

Who knows why he’s doing this. It might be another woman, it might be because you involved CMS, it might just be because he’s a dick. Doesn’t matter. Don’t waste any of your energy trying to work it out. He’s not worth the energy.

Not necessarily. After my friend went through a difficult divorce her ex requested to stop paying spousal maintenance. She got legal advice and the solicitor drafted a response for her to send to him. This was a deliberate tactic to manage the situation in her favour and not trigger him to get legal advice too or escalate the situation ie go back to court where the solicitor felt she might not fair so well.

If your ex has done the same it could be because he’s trying to goad you into responding inappropriately or doesn’t want you to get legal advice because he knows he is on dodgy ground.

I too think his motivation may be to avoid child maintenance or even paternity if he’s not on the birth certificate.

I would send a brief holding email by return acknowledging his comments (see below) but get advice from a solicitor on how to respond formally. In this way he can’t say you didn’t respond in the timescale requested, but you have politely taken back control and will have a legally sound response.

“Thank you for getting in touch about access to X. I am always willing to discuss this, as it is in X’s best interest to have consistent care and contact from both of us. I appreciate that you have taken the time to raise so many points and will get back to you once I have had time to consider them all”

Hi op your situation sounds so similar to mine! Except my ex got a lawyer to write to me demanding I give him pr despite me already agreeing to do it?!
He's also now suddenly aggressively trying to get 50/50 as he lives with a new gf despite also having never done an overnight. I am nervous about this as he doesn't live far away (see my post 'ex DP burnt my baby' for a description of him!)

Advice from my lawyer is each time he sends lies to write something along time line of 'I do not accept or agree with the narrative /criticisms in your letter but I would prefer to move matters on therefore will not respond in detail here, but reserve my right to do so later if needed.' Don't give away all of your 'defense' with a log of dates and messages etc it's a waste of your time unless you need to - when I've tried to do it he's just ignored my evidence and continued to mark his false claims anyway.

Lawyer also advised me to reply myself as if I look 'lawyered up' he's much more likely to get legal and go to court which doesn't benefit me in any way. I'd rather move at a pace my baby is comfortable with.

Well done you for being a great mum! X

@nc7809 if all your text from him are on WhatsApp screen shot straight away as he can go back and delete them, he doesn't want 50/50 but it sounds more appealing than cm does.

In addition to PP suggestions, start keeping notes of when he was supposed to see DC, what the excuse was, when did he actually show up etc. keep all communication written - email or text. Sounds like you’ll need it especially if he’s trying to avoid maintenance.

Yes I think it’s AI too! Download chat GPT and see if you can get a decent response to send back

This thread was posted a year ago