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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Email from ex?

131 replies

nc7809 · 16/09/2024 12:15

I have a toddler with my ex (1.5years).

Broken up and got back together a few times. Had been trying to "make things work" for the past year (not living together), however I ended things a couple of months ago as realised he just wasn't making us/our child a priority.

For example he could regularly go weeks without seeing dc, citing work reasons. He really just popped up when suited him.

If I ever asked him for help, or asked if he could have dc while I had an appointment/wanted to go for a meal with friends he always declined. Had plenty of time to go to the gym every day and go out with his mates though. Caught him out in many lies when he said he was working/had no time to come and see dc but he actually wasn't.

He's recently asked for every other weekend, which I had loosely agreed to. Dc still breastfed and under 2, he's never had them overnight so I thought daytimes best and then build up to overnight from age 2 was reasonable.

I've had a MASSIVE long email from him now. Sounds very legal but send from him. Saying that he wants equal shared care and this that and the other. He lives over an hour away not sure how this works!?

It sounds very threatening, and says I've prevented him having contact from birth, which isn't true. In fact most of the little contact he's had is because of the effort I've made, often taking dc to his workplace or to see his family. The effort on his end has been next to nothing.

The email is bigging himself up massively, and putting me down and making me sound like I’ve been unreasonable. I’ve always told him (since the relationship breakdown) that he can have dc but that it needs to be set days and build up to overnights, that routine is important, being settled in nursery etc.

He’s had her of a Saturday twice now, one of the weekends which should have been his Saturday he said he couldn’t due to being busy with work…

Why is someone who does this, sending me a threatening email making out like I’m preventing contact?

AIBU to think it’s manipulation and him trying to start a paper trail of some sort?

I wish I could get inside the head of these men and work out what they are thinking.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 05/09/2025 18:30

Did your lawyer recommend you switch to a family contact app? I would run that by her. Keep texts and records of when he's been offered and taken or refused visitation.

This is about CMS. You know it and he knows it. He doesn't want to pay his obligation to his child. He's going to pawn her off on whoever will have her so he can not pay.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2025 08:38

@nc7809any updates on what happened?! Wish I’d seen your thread a year ago our exes are carbon copies of each other - if you’re in London let’s hang out :-)

for anyone else reading this - advice I got was to ask lawyers for advice about what to say but to keep replying from myself, so I’m seen as a litigant in person everyone (including his lawyer) SHOULD be less aggressive with me and if they’re not then I look bad. It’s also cheaper if they don’t write it themselves.

Swiftie1878 · 08/09/2025 08:49

nc7809 · 16/09/2024 12:15

I have a toddler with my ex (1.5years).

Broken up and got back together a few times. Had been trying to "make things work" for the past year (not living together), however I ended things a couple of months ago as realised he just wasn't making us/our child a priority.

For example he could regularly go weeks without seeing dc, citing work reasons. He really just popped up when suited him.

If I ever asked him for help, or asked if he could have dc while I had an appointment/wanted to go for a meal with friends he always declined. Had plenty of time to go to the gym every day and go out with his mates though. Caught him out in many lies when he said he was working/had no time to come and see dc but he actually wasn't.

He's recently asked for every other weekend, which I had loosely agreed to. Dc still breastfed and under 2, he's never had them overnight so I thought daytimes best and then build up to overnight from age 2 was reasonable.

I've had a MASSIVE long email from him now. Sounds very legal but send from him. Saying that he wants equal shared care and this that and the other. He lives over an hour away not sure how this works!?

It sounds very threatening, and says I've prevented him having contact from birth, which isn't true. In fact most of the little contact he's had is because of the effort I've made, often taking dc to his workplace or to see his family. The effort on his end has been next to nothing.

The email is bigging himself up massively, and putting me down and making me sound like I’ve been unreasonable. I’ve always told him (since the relationship breakdown) that he can have dc but that it needs to be set days and build up to overnights, that routine is important, being settled in nursery etc.

He’s had her of a Saturday twice now, one of the weekends which should have been his Saturday he said he couldn’t due to being busy with work…

Why is someone who does this, sending me a threatening email making out like I’m preventing contact?

AIBU to think it’s manipulation and him trying to start a paper trail of some sort?

I wish I could get inside the head of these men and work out what they are thinking.

Sounds like he’s trying to dodge CMS by claiming to be 50:50.

Original poster
nc7809 · 13/09/2025 10:54

Hi, so I can’t believe it has been a year since this post. I never responded, nor did my solicitor. He didn’t stick to contact, and tried sending family and friends in his place to collect our child. I didn’t allow this and he became more and more threatening, ultimately we are now going through family court. There will be a fact finding, I can’t say too much but I’d assume most of you know why fact findings are held… so make of that what you will.

OP posts:
LemonLass · 13/09/2025 11:05

nc7809 · 16/09/2024 13:17

He's given me 7 days to reply to his email as well, otherwise he will assume that I am preventing contact, which is a serious matter apparently Hmm

But I've already agreed, over text messages, from him to have dc the next two Saturdays.

Hi @nc7809
The timescale is bullcrap. It is bullying. You are both parents.

Dont reply or tell him but get some initial free legal advice on your legal situation before responding or ask them to draft a letter (expect to pay £200+ph so if you can draft something and show solicitor, maybe better/quicker. Dont waffle in appointment, just ask their advice on your position).

In a reply, keep it brief and factual - include dates (evidence) eg your message dated X when you cant have DC (and ask for dates he can rather than cant do).

Out of interest, is he doing this to keep you in his life? Or get in way of potential other relationships as you move forwards? To avoid CMS by fighting for 50/50?

His email is nonsense and half truths. Dont let him rattle you x

LemonLass · 13/09/2025 11:07

nc7809 · 13/09/2025 10:54

Hi, so I can’t believe it has been a year since this post. I never responded, nor did my solicitor. He didn’t stick to contact, and tried sending family and friends in his place to collect our child. I didn’t allow this and he became more and more threatening, ultimately we are now going through family court. There will be a fact finding, I can’t say too much but I’d assume most of you know why fact findings are held… so make of that what you will.

Hi again @nc7809
I see that things have moved on. Wishing you all the best x

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