Email from ex?

[nc7809]

I have a toddler with my ex (1.5years).

Broken up and got back together a few times. Had been trying to "make things work" for the past year (not living together), however I ended things a couple of months ago as realised he just wasn't making us/our child a priority.

For example he could regularly go weeks without seeing dc, citing work reasons. He really just popped up when suited him.

If I ever asked him for help, or asked if he could have dc while I had an appointment/wanted to go for a meal with friends he always declined. Had plenty of time to go to the gym every day and go out with his mates though. Caught him out in many lies when he said he was working/had no time to come and see dc but he actually wasn't.

He's recently asked for every other weekend, which I had loosely agreed to. Dc still breastfed and under 2, he's never had them overnight so I thought daytimes best and then build up to overnight from age 2 was reasonable.

I've had a MASSIVE long email from him now. Sounds very legal but send from him. Saying that he wants equal shared care and this that and the other. He lives over an hour away not sure how this works!?

It sounds very threatening, and says I've prevented him having contact from birth, which isn't true. In fact most of the little contact he's had is because of the effort I've made, often taking dc to his workplace or to see his family. The effort on his end has been next to nothing.

The email is bigging himself up massively, and putting me down and making me sound like I’ve been unreasonable. I’ve always told him (since the relationship breakdown) that he can have dc but that it needs to be set days and build up to overnights, that routine is important, being settled in nursery etc.

He’s had her of a Saturday twice now, one of the weekends which should have been his Saturday he said he couldn’t due to being busy with work…

Why is someone who does this, sending me a threatening email making out like I’m preventing contact?

AIBU to think it’s manipulation and him trying to start a paper trail of some sort?

I wish I could get inside the head of these men and work out what they are thinking.

This ⬆Word for Word!

My ex is shite too op. I'm guessing he's thinking if it looks like he's asking for 50/50 he won't have to pay child support. Or he's playing the victim to someone and trying to make out he's only a rubbish dad because you are preventing him. Your email is fine. Tell him you are happy to continue to facilitate contact and confirm he's still on for the dates you've agreed. Id bet money he won't take this to court and will struggle with every other weekend never mind 50/50.

My daughter does now see my ex every weekend but only because I've bent over backwards to facilitate for 11 years, even when I had a no contact order against him, and only because my ex MIL who he's lived with for years really does all the work.

I was going to say the exact same thing.

Op my ex used to send emails of that nature which were factually inaccurate. It was because of his new supply and he had to be seen as the hard done by “Dad”. Like a few others have said just email back politely stating the actual facts. Make sure you email everything and have a folder to save them to. You could title it Jackanory, or use mine Disney.

He's not even on the birth certificate, so I'd not reply. If he cares so muhc, he can get his name on there as a first step.

Anything you say can and will be used against you - and drama llamas like him love to think they are messing with your head. Ignoring him is a hard boundary of 'no headfucks here'.

I'm in the 'new girlfriend' camp too. Let them play their silly games without you joining in.

I wouldn't reply. You've got texts as evidence of dates agreed etc

If he really wanted to be a consistent dad and see his child; he could have.
He could also attend mediation with you - then take you to court if he was so bothered.

The fact he's jumped straight to 50/50 makes me think -:

A) he wants out of paying maintenance
And
B) he has a new gf in the scene so needs to be "super dad"

If he was that bothered about being a 50% parent he would have been consistent and in the picture previously.

Firstly, sorry to hear you're going through this. It's not fair and it's stressful. It's sad but I would definitely keep a paper trail. Do you have any financial agreements in place yet? I would also seek some support and advice from organisations local to you. A good friend has been through a similar situation with her ex but as it involved coercive control there were other layers to it. As a first port of call you could talk with your health visitor who could signpost some local support. Legal advice can be expensive but there are charities and other organisations which have lots of experience in this area who can point you in the right direction with all of the facts in place.

It sounds like you want your child's best interests to be at the heart of the arrangement and this is key. Absolutely keep a record of your communications and examples of where you've offered him time with the child and he's refused for his own convenience. Keep a tally of the days and nights. Keep a record (if you don't already) of any payments you've received for child support.

I have a step daughter who's been in my life since she was a baby and is now an adult. We were 23 when we were sorting out this kind of thing and having a clear plan for who had her when and an agreement about the money (all agreed between her parents, I wrote a letter of agreement for them to sign and sent to Child Maintenance Service so they'd have a record and made sure it was all done through a standing order so there was a bank record of all payments - her mum knew what to expect and my husband knew the % of his earnings that went to her monthly. When we had children he didn't change this % out of choice. We live close to her mum and up until Covid when she was a young teen she would stay with us on at least one weekend night and Wednesday nights - this meant her mum could go to her hobby midweek and also meant that we got to know her class teachers and school friends by doing the school drop offs etc. It's changed now but not through any fallings out, she works full time and her parents aren't the main characters in her life anymore but having something really clear helped build a foundation. And yes, both ways we had to have some flexibility for special occasions and events - like neither parent kicked up a fuss over holidays or weddings and even though we've never had her on Christmas Day we make a special family day on Christmas Eve and that's been a tradition for the last 18 years which our wider families also love.

You don't need all that detail sorry, I just wanted to show that people don't have to be complete d*s about which parent a child is with and when. It sounds like your ex is making it far more difficult that it needs to be and the best way to arm your self is with information gathering and support. If he decides he wants to go a legal route it will help you to have all your ducks in a row now.

It's just so annoying and hurtful, because I've really tried.

I'd love to write an email back and give him so home truths and put all his bullsh*t right but I know I can't.

I'd love for him to have our dc regularly, that's all I've ever asked for since the "romance" ended. I truly believe this is best for her, also for me as a secondary thing so I can plan and know what I'm doing.

Sad in a way that I've had to end things between us to stop him being a Dad that flits in and out when suits him.

Guessing you have evidence of messages you have sent to him asking him to see DC and his subsequent rejections. I would respond with screenshots of such messages and explain in the least emotional way possible that you have tried to facilitate contact since DC was born but that he most often does not accept. I would tell him he is always welcome to see DC provided it is routinely to provide stability for DC. Ask him to send over a schedule of when he would like to see them and react accordingly.

I'd love to write an email back and give him so home truths and put all his bullsht right but I know I can't.*

Yeah, I sympathise with this. You want him to be embarrassed. To acknowledge he's a dick. Maybe even to change. But it won't happen and it's good you already know that.

Years later, I still hear via extended family who have the misfortune of seeing exBIL that he is still complaining that I refused to "help" him when he asked for help before they broke up. It's amusing because a) I'm his ex's SIL, not exactly a key figure in their drama b) he didn't ask for help. He sent me a stream of messages in which he accused SIL of a bunch of things. The implication was that I should tell her that she was a problem (that's the bit that I THINK he thought was asking for help).

You simply cannot reason with these people. You also have to accept that if he is doign this because of a new woman, she will not listen to reason or look at your proof. He will produce a dozen reasons why you're wrong.

So after he's sent me that massive novel, he's messaged just now and said the planned contact for next weekend- he's actually not available but his mother will have dc on his behalf.

Don't want to be petty but he can't even stick to it for a few weeks- when he's asking for regular contact. I already rearranged last weekend for him.

Have you replied or mentioned what he sent you?

I think I'd make it short and sweet

Ex

As per your email dated x time x, I confirm receipt.

As I've previously confirmed with yourself, dd has always been available for you to have contact with every other weekend. I understand that this can sometimes be difficult for you to commit to, as evidenced by you being unavailable on x, y, z dates.

You've previously preferred contact on a Saturday, so if another day would be more convenient please let me know and we can discuss this as an option going forward.

I'm also available to discuss alternative contact this Saturday, as you've made me aware in another email (dated x), that you are unavailable for contact.

Regards
Me

I'd also be keeping logs of times you've made dd available to him and when he has cancelled etc.

I don't think you need to do anything other than keep his communications - it seems he's perfectly able to torpedo his own case all by himself...

@Azandme I'm thinking the same. Especially given I have all the proof that what he's saying is untruthful, it will make him look silly and demonstrate that he is a liar.

Funnily enough I've had another email from him, very long and equally threatening one talking again about his "top line" legal team. This one is going on about CMS, he's not happy I've gone to them even though he's not been paying on time and also threatening not to pay all together (again I have proof of this that he's used it as a threat)

He's said in this email that he's always paid, always paid on time so I'm unreasonable for going to them.

Again it's just going to demonstrate how easily he lies and manipulates!

I would not send him any evidence or screenshots. That's for the court, if he gets as far as that.
Much better that he does not know exactly what evidence you have, then he can't work towards discrediting it.

He's trying to avoid maintenance. I think you said you started a CM claim?
He wants to establish 50/50 as soon as possible so he doesn't have to pay anything then, once he's got it, he'll carry on letting you down or offloading DC onto his mother.
And absolutely the silly sod has got AI to write his email - what an idiot to use the whole thing! Too lazy to adapt it, I suppose.

Defend yourself by writing a letter to him, taking up each point he makes, giving your answer to that. At the end say you still wish to come to an amicable agreement saying the balls in his court. Don't get aggressive in your writing, stick to the point. He may be planning to put 'his interpretation of things' in writing to use against you in future should you end up in a legal battle. If this persists, tell him you are seeking legal advice. Cover every angle.

Sounds like the email was sent in the presence of someone he wants to look good in front of.

I would reply saying a the the email he sent you is full of lies and you have all of his text as evidence that he has made a very poor effort to see his daughter.

Go to CMS and totally reduce contact with him - just file any emails etc he sends for evidence but don't respond unless there is anything relating to him seeing his daughter. He is playing games - probably because you have ended the relationship.
By all means, try and arrange times for him to have his daughter, say for 2 months. If he is consistently unreliable etc, follow your legal advice and cease contact, as it's not good for anyone. If he takes legal routes, let him, as it will simply show up his lack of commitment/manipulation of the situation.
Just keep all your evidence stacking up.......

Under section IV of the Unhappiness at Being Taken to the CMS Act of 1989, he clearly has a very strong case. Expect to hear from his top legal team soon.

YOu actually have to laugh, if you can, at the delusion of these men. I mean, saying he's always paid - that is the EASIEST thing in the world to prove/disprove. But they think that because they've said it, you will back down. Classic attempts to gaslight.

Did you ever reply? As he's now sent TWO emails, if you haven't, I'd go back with something short, sweet (really no need to produce proof at this point - he's lying, you know it and he either knows it and is doing it anyway or has completely deluded himself) and telling him to stop harassing you:

Dear Dick
I dispute all of your claims and have consistently tried to encourage and facilitate a positive relationship between baby George, you and even your family. It's a pity you can't turn up this weekend as agreed, please let me know when you might next be able to see him.

As for CMS - as you have regularly not paid, paid late, and threatened not to pay, I have had no choice.

If you have legal advice and want to take this further, please go ahead. I believe it begins with you asking for mediation, which I would of course be happy to attend once that is scheduled. Otherwise, please stop sending me threatening and accusatory emails.

NC

I wouldn't get solicitors involved at this point. It is likely to escalate things and get very expensive and it's not necessary.

Get used to holding onto your understanding of events in the face of absolutely inaccurate and unfair claims from your ex. Maybe he believes himself. Maybe he doesn't. It doesn't really matter, don't get drawn in. Useful practice for having a toddler.

I would respond outlining what has been agreed, reiterating what you are aiming for (a good relationship with your child) but don't get involved in arguing with him.

Op I just wanted to say, I have spent the last 10 years being dragged through the family court system by an abusive ex and his vexatious litigation. I have been very poorly advised by solicitors on a number of occasions and I think you have been as well. Solicitor cannot say how a family court would view you ceasing contact because it’s basically down to the judge and they do not like it in general (this is an understatement). It could be held against you for the next 14 years. I think your solicitor is not worth the money you have paid.

if you ever want quick legal advice, a lot of solicitors will give you 30 minutes for free, and also if you go to https://www.barcouncil.org.uk/bar-council-services/for-the-public/direct-access-portal.html to speak to a direct access barrister who may also offer 30 minutes for free. You really don’t need to bother sending wordy emails. if you end up in court, they will not be read there’s no point. Keep it short and sweet and do not state that you are ceasing contact as this can be taken out of context and used against you.

Frame it as an offer, not a rejection. Yeid love you to have her for six hours as discussed, building up to overnights…

if you want her to have a relationship with her grandmother, you could also offer a short amount of time there, but if he’s trying to use his mother as a proxy that’s obviously bullshit. There’s no point arguing with him, if you end up in court, they will take the headlines from what happened, they’re not going to care about the rest of it and it will be dealt with very quickly. You just need to stay focused on what you want for your daughter and don’t get pulled into it all. He’s embarrassing himself with these quasilegal emails, just leave him to it

I’d add being away from me (as primary carer) just so it’s written!

If he’s not on the birth certificate surely he has no legal right to the child so his letter is full of bullshit. I know this isn’t the path you would want to go down.

Whatever you send back, keep it simple, repetitive and offer mediation.

"Dear Ex,

This email and it's contents are not congruent with the conversations we have been having over the past 18 months.

Please see attached documentation of all the times I have offered contact and you have declined. Please note the times you have cancelled due to more important commitments.

Please also see a detailed list of all dates you have had DC alone.

Please note you are not on the birth certificate(s) despite repeated requests, so this conversation is moot until you take action to remedy this per my multiple requests.

I will contact CMS again - last time this process was interrupted as we attempted to reconcile.

Child A is still breastfed. It is logistically unreasonable to expect overnight contact until this has finished.

I am and will remain open to mediation to find a suitable visitation schedule that works for all of us. Please let me know if you would like to pursue this avenue with goal of maintaining a positive co-parenting relationship which is in the best interests of our DC."