Email from ex?

[nc7809]

I have a toddler with my ex (1.5years).

Broken up and got back together a few times. Had been trying to "make things work" for the past year (not living together), however I ended things a couple of months ago as realised he just wasn't making us/our child a priority.

For example he could regularly go weeks without seeing dc, citing work reasons. He really just popped up when suited him.

If I ever asked him for help, or asked if he could have dc while I had an appointment/wanted to go for a meal with friends he always declined. Had plenty of time to go to the gym every day and go out with his mates though. Caught him out in many lies when he said he was working/had no time to come and see dc but he actually wasn't.

He's recently asked for every other weekend, which I had loosely agreed to. Dc still breastfed and under 2, he's never had them overnight so I thought daytimes best and then build up to overnight from age 2 was reasonable.

I've had a MASSIVE long email from him now. Sounds very legal but send from him. Saying that he wants equal shared care and this that and the other. He lives over an hour away not sure how this works!?

It sounds very threatening, and says I've prevented him having contact from birth, which isn't true. In fact most of the little contact he's had is because of the effort I've made, often taking dc to his workplace or to see his family. The effort on his end has been next to nothing.

The email is bigging himself up massively, and putting me down and making me sound like I’ve been unreasonable. I’ve always told him (since the relationship breakdown) that he can have dc but that it needs to be set days and build up to overnights, that routine is important, being settled in nursery etc.

He’s had her of a Saturday twice now, one of the weekends which should have been his Saturday he said he couldn’t due to being busy with work…

Why is someone who does this, sending me a threatening email making out like I’m preventing contact?

AIBU to think it’s manipulation and him trying to start a paper trail of some sort?

I wish I could get inside the head of these men and work out what they are thinking.

Or hes seeing someone who knows how to write stuff like this.
First, the 7 days is nonsense.
Second, some email responses above have been great, but I would add to them.
“on xxx you said you’d have DC, but then cancelled stating work reasons, again this happened on xxxx”.
Every date you have chuck on there.
End with, “this has confused me, as our latest text conversation is positive, with us agreeing to times/dates you’d have DC, so I’m not sure where this email has come from. Plus we were in a relationship for the first 5 months of DC life, and although you didn’t live here and came and went as you pleased (I’d have to get that in), you saw the DC then and I’ve never stopped you. Then list how you tried to arrange contact.
End with, “contact (or lack of) has all been arranged via text, so I’m not sure why it’s coming across differently to you.

He does state in the email as well, that he's had "top-notch" legal advise

Wonder why he didn't get them to write a letter then?

From the tone of it I think maybe he has had some legal advice, and cherry picked parts that he feel suits his agenda. Or maybe it was just chat GPT

You need to send him a reply with all you wrote here, letting him know he abandoned you and the baby , was more bothered about his lads and golf. The reason he’s written you the email is because he plans to take you to court and use that email as evidence that you’re a “bad person”, hit him back with your reply letting him know why he’s wrong and gather a folder with all his comms stating he’s not available for the child, you’re going to need evidence to fight this prick. This whole thing is about to take a step further so start thinking in lawyer ing up.

Yeah, Nigel down the pub is his "top notch" legal advice!

I disagree with @Noshowlomo This isn't the time to be listing and "proving" your argument. Because you know he has been shit and so does he - the two of you have both been there 100% for him not turning up, being unreliable etc. So trying to "prove" it to him is pointless - he'll ignore you, or claim you're lying, or offer some weird alternative theory.

Rather, keep to the big picture message, "I have always encouraged you to spend time with the DC and have done my best to facilitate and encourage contact, including suggesting that once you have spent time with him regularly, you should have him overnight."

If and when it goes further, and there are third parties who need to be convinced, then sure, that's when you go in with your evidence int he form of the many many times he's not been present, not turned up, refused to compromse etc.

My response would be:

Hi Ex

I’m a little confused by your email as the content doesn’t reflect the audit trail contained in your text messages over the past X months. I’m happy to screenshot these and send them to you if it would be helpful to remind you of how often you’ve been unable to fulfil the contact arrangements I’ve offered to you.

In any case, please confirm you are still picking up Fred on Saturday as previously agreed.

Dear Ex,

I am confused to receive this email, as you have stated yourself, we have been moving forward towards making arrangements for DC amicably and have already loosely agreed a plan to build up to EOW going forward. You have already had DC on your own on x date and y date, with further plans arranged for you to have DC on xx and xx.

I dispute much of the content of your email, including that since birth I have been preventing you having meaningful contact with our child.

As you will be aware, between x date 2023 and y date 2024, we were pursuing a romantic relationship together. This meant that you were welcome to see our DC as your wished to, and you were always welcome to come and see them.

During this time I also actively sought to maintain your relationship with our DC, when you stated you were not able to see them due to work commitments- I would take our child to your workplace for visits and also for visits with your family.

I also tried to build up your confidence to have DC on your own, and asked you on x, y and z occasions if you could watch our DC when I had xxx. On these occasions you declined, citing other work and commitments.

I have always done my best to facilitate contact and a relationship between you and our child, as can be evidenced.

Just a draft but am I along the right lines?

Will definitely get solicitor advice first.

That’s a great email, you’re on the right track OP, Now Start researching for good lawyers in your area.

Honestly I think that's too long and unnecesary and I really don't see why you need a solicitor at this point (although talking to one is never a bad thing I guess).

Dear Ex,

I am confused to receive this email as we have been trying to make arrangements for DC and have agreed to build up to EOW. I certainly have not been preventing you having meaningful contact with DC, and I note that when we were still in a relationship, I was consistently asking you to spend MORE time with us. Since then, I have regularly asked you to have DC, and you have refused. I have faciltiated contact, including bringing him to you at your work or to see your family, while you have regularly refused to see him and have not turned up when you said you would.

If you want to start having DC overnight, it's important that both of you are comfortable with that, and that you have the right equipment (crib, feeding implements etc). Once that is in place, I'll be happy to agree to overnights on a regular basis.

No matter what, do not suggest that you have been trying ot build his confidence, and that asking him to have the baby while you are doing other things is for his benefit. He will use that as a stick to beat you with.

When I saw the solicitor, she said as he has no parental rights at the moment I could either approach it by getting the ball rolling and sending a legal letter/suggesting mediation/ sorting the PR etc to get an agreement.

Or I could leave him to it and see if he makes the move himself to get PR sorted etc. as she said really it's for him to do if he wants it and wants contact.

She said in terms of contact at the moment it was up to me, I wouldn't look bad for stopping it until we have an agreement in place as he's been so sporadic and unreliable thus far. So if I deemed it in DCs best interest not to see him at the moment until we have something set where he will need to be reliable, that wouldn't been seen as a bad thing by the family court. It would be a different matter if he'd already been having reliable, regular contact and I just stopped it.

Noted, thank you!

He also hasn't actually put any proposals in his email for me to reply to, other than EOW which has been agreed already. Just states that he wants to move to equal care and asking me to send him MY proposal of how this can work... surely if he's asking for it, it's for him to put something forward?

FWIW I won't be agreeing to this due to distance, can't see how it works with school and nursery unless he moves closer (never see it happening to be perfectly honest!)

If he was pushing for 50/50 through mediation, I'd happily go to family court as I think they would agree with me this wouldn't work.

If he moves he's welcome to 50/50

If you want to start having DC overnight, it's important that both of you are comfortable with that, and that you have the right equipment (crib, feeding implements etc). Once that is in place and you have established reliable consistent contact I' ll be happy to agree to overnights on a regular basis.

He can want what he wants. It needs to be in DC best interests. At the moment he needs to demonstrate consistency not be stumping his feet and trying to show you who's boss with a bullshit email.

Add a line like,

"If you'd like to move towards achieving 50/50 care, please let me know how you plan to do this, considering that you live an hour away which would make logistics, especially for school/nursery, quite difficult."

50/50 is pretty classic as a way to get out of child maintenance so that's probably where this is coming from. Probalby not in this email, but at some point you could point out that with 50/50 care, it's his responsibility to manage childcare and all other associated costs during his time!

I think a slightly shortened version of your draft sounds fab. Just keep it brief and factual and don't for a second let him see that he's riled you!

I definitely think he has a new GF on the scene and has rolled out the "my ex never lets me see my DC line" for sympathy/to "prove" he's not a shit dad.

I would keep it short and say something like:

Dear Ex,
This is excellent news, I'm so pleased you've decided to step up and be the father our child deserves.

I am confused though as in our recent correspondence (attached) we agreed to EOW and then you stated multiple dates that you couldn't do - are you now saying you can do those dates? It would be great if you can; consistency is key!

Also, the last time we spoke you didn't have a car seat/crib/nappies/etc at your home; presumably you have purchased all of these now and are ready to go?

I was disheartened that you cancelled your time with X last Sat, but am looking forward to you picking him up on Sat with your new car seat.

As you know he's breastfed to sleep so will need to be home by Y time on Sat.

I look forward to a happy co-parenting relationship with you.

OP

I am not suggesting you take my advice - but a part of me thinks that as he hasn’t got PR and isn’t on the BC - just do nothing. Leave the ball firmly in his court. Emails are not court ordered. You do not need to respond. Wait for him to make the next move.

Thanks. Solicitor did say that was a definite option.

^ I agree ! Smells like new lady

When I say we've loosely agreed EOW (one day) at the moment, it's because he sent me a set of dates he's not available. There is also one particular date that falls on what would be "his" weekend, where I am away on holiday with my children (I have an older one too). This has been preplanned an arranged for a significant period of time, before the relationship broke down and his requests for contact.

@Beastiesandthebeauty hahaha probably!

He had a new woman when I was pregnant and we split up for a short time.

He first lied to her about my pregnancy, it was when one of her friends snooped on my social media and saw I was pregnant (nothing about him on there btw!). I guess normal to be curious about the ex... anyway that's how she found out.

He then did the sob story to her and said he didn't know if the baby was his and that's why he didn't tell her. Pretty sure she dumped her arse quite quickly.

Sounds like high school but we are all 30s. The shame that I'm in this situation with a man like this.

There's a woman on here whose ex (of over 10 years) has been sending her actual solicitor's letters, demanding she pay him for things like: her engagement ring, the cost of "storing" their joint DC's stuff post divorce, her "share" of petrol from trips they took while they were still married.... the list goes on.

These men are crazy and irrational and delusional. Until he actually takes yo to court (or you want to take him), most of what he says and does and threatens can be ignored.

It’s this.

Read the email without emotion, what exactly is he asking, what specific question has he asked?

I presume he's probably not asked you anything if you really read it, probably lots of waffle and statements.

If there are no specific questions then don't bother responding.

Im sure he's just told you he wants 50/50 rather than asking and proposing any start dates etc. he can tell you what he wants, but unless he's asked anything there's no point in responding.

If he starts getting shorty ask him for a solicitors letter, and for that to go to your solicitor.