Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Girls Trip

135 replies

Franksnbeans · 16/09/2024 11:28

Just got back from a girls trip away. There were 12 of us so we rented a large house closest to the majority and the rest of us have travelled there. Long weekend away so 3 nights from Friday through to today. I’m actually just on my way home and currently on the train

The actual trip has been great - we’ve done loads of activities, meals out, drinking, quite the typical girls trip away. In fact I’ve loved being with them all.

We are all in our late 40s, in long term relationships with kids, some of us are married, so organising something like this is rare. In fact, because of our busy lives with kids and full time jobs, we’ve never done more than one night away together. We do however speak often and on average we all get together for lunch/dinner in various quantities of us, about every 2-3 months. We have all known each other for years varying through school, work, kids etc

I have however been really shocked at one my friends. We have all found out this morning that in the dead of night lastnight when we were all asleep, that she has sneaked a random bloke into the house that she had met on the first night out of the trip, when we had gone to the local pub. I can honestly say she had spoken to him face to face on that night for no more than 5 minutes. We didn’t know she had got his number. She had sex with him in the house and then he left.

She has told us about it quite matter of factly this morning when we were all packing up and cleaning and when we have asked why, she has confessed that her and her DP have an open relationship. And her DP had consented. So in that aspect I cannot hold what she has done against her. Each to their own on that one.

However my issue is that none of us knew him, none of us knew he was coming into the house, she had waited until we were all fast asleep and it had clearly been planned. I can’t help but feel really sick at the thought that we had an adult male stranger in the house whilst we were all fast asleep and totally vulnerable. I’m already really wary about sleeping anywhere alone other than at home and it’s just really thrown me. I keep running through ‘what ifs’ in my mind.

Am I being a bit precious about it? My DP is absolutely furious - at her obviously not me. And I’m also really not sure how I approach this with friend in future

OP posts:

MamaAl27 · 23/09/2024 04:56

I actually think this is an overreaction on both yours and your DP’s part.
I think now you are trying to throw extra ‘what ifs’ in the mix to make it stick and justify why you feel a bit ‘icky’ about the situation.
Unsure why your DP has now all of a sudden told you about the flirting?
A serious question, had this been a male friend and he brought back home a lady, would this even be a situation?
She was honest with you all in the morning and maybe didn’t tell you all anything about plans because it may have not been on her agenda and just went with the flow after meeting someone on an evening out!

MamaAl27 · 23/09/2024 04:59

Also if you want to talk about safety, be happy that she had sex in a safe place rather than going back to someone’s house! I would much rather that, than wake up the next morning to see her room hadn’t been used and no one knew where she was!

Edingril · 23/09/2024 05:22

So in a share house with flatmates people have to book one night stands in first? Or preplan them and get a copy of their passport and inside leg measurement before bringing them home?

Cocohj · 23/09/2024 08:00

Franksnbeans · 16/09/2024 14:32

Well all I’ll say is the vipers are out in force today.

Firstly let me make it clear that my days of house sharing and all the trials and tribulations of that are over. We are, or at least I thought, all a little bit more refined than that

DP is annoyed about it because it’s left me with a really odd feeling about the entire trip and about my friendship - it’s cost an absolute fortune for the weekend away and with this having been booked a while ago, we didn’t book our usual annual trip we take for DPs birthday - usually we will book a spa weekend away but I financially gave this trip priority. He just finds friends behaviour quite disrespectful under the circumstances but agrees that had she made it clear beforehand, at least it gives an opportunity for my other friends and I to say how we feel about it, and of course if anyone hadn’t been happy about her having a visitor of that nature then we could have suggested perhaps she met him in an alternative hotel room - after all what she chooses to do is fine, but it shouldn’t be impacting on anyone else

On a further note, I will add that it did happen that we were in bed slightly earlier lastnight after having a couple of already late nights, so we could be well rested for our journey back. But we hadn’t planned an early night - so with hindsight I’m wondering what her plan had been if we had stayed up as late as we had the other 2 nights, perhaps she would have had to march him straight past us.

DP has also since added that the open relationship explains this friends behaviour towards him - he has now revealed that at a number of occasions we have all attended together as couples, that friend has been particularly overly flirty with him but he has never told me because he didn’t want to impact on my friendship and I know he wouldn’t have engaged in flirting with her. I mean it’s a totally separate matter and I have no reason at all to doubt DPs loyalty to me, but it’s something for me to just be aware of in future.

How you’ve managed to turn your pal getting it on into a whole issue of you is maddening. Your friend got a shag. You didn’t know until she told you and somehow this is such a big issue where it’s disrespectful to you and has any form of relevance to your DHs birthday. You didn’t know until she told you, if she didn’t tell you, you’d be none the wiser. The whole entire thing sounds way deeper, and that actually you just don’t agree with her lifestyle. Was she meant to say “excuse me ladies, I’m just bringing this gentleman round for a quick sideways glance, shall we have a vote to see if that’s okay?” No. Telling you beforehand would have made it so weird!

it’s so snobby to say it’s not refined, or constantly mentioning how you’re all women in your 40s as if what she did is ludicrous for her age. And the fact that you clearly didn’t get the response you hoped for means “the vipers are out”

just because personally you didn’t like someone’s actions, doesn’t mean they were totally wrong. As you said, you’re all girls in your 40s, handle it like adult women. Quick message of “could you let me know next time? Felt a bit strange there was someone in the house x” was all you had to say, not make out like it’s ruined everything and create a whole scenario of what if or situations that didn’t even happen

Toooldtopretend · 23/09/2024 11:17

I’m not sure what your husband is “furious” about??

Libby1233455 · 23/09/2024 18:26

Franksnbeans · 16/09/2024 11:45

Obviously we all vary in our degrees of closeness and an open relationship isn’t something I’d imagine many people shout about. As it turns out, out of all of us, only one other of our group knew about them having an open relationship.

My point really is with it being that we weren’t aware of the situation or aware that this might have happened, it is unsettling to know that she found it ok to just invite a random person into the house for sex when everyone was asleep. I think really it’s something that should have been discussed or agreed to before it happened. And yes in this case, I probably would have locked my bedroom door rather than left it open

Show quote history

What exactly do you and your DP think could have happened that’s made you so utterly furious? This bloke turned out to be a serial killer who killed all 12 of you in your sleep? I think this is very unlikely.

Personally I wouldn’t have had any issue with this at all. Good for your friend.

DesigningWoman · 23/09/2024 18:29

Edingril · 23/09/2024 05:22

So in a share house with flatmates people have to book one night stands in first? Or preplan them and get a copy of their passport and inside leg measurement before bringing them home?

And DBS checked. And his arrival and departure announced with a blast of the fire alarm to allow sleepers in other rooms to lock their doors.

Honestly, OP, did you move straight from your parents’ house to your marital home or something? Have you never lived in a houseshare where you don’t get to veto other people’s ONS?

MrsSunshine2b · 23/09/2024 19:21

What did you actually think was going to happen? She let him in for a purpose and then let him back out again once the purpose was fulfilled.

If he was a homicidal maniac, she could have given him a chaste kiss on the doorstep and it wouldn't have taken him much effort to push past her into the house.

Rewis · 23/09/2024 19:26

She shouldn't have taken the guy to the house without you guys knowing. It is different from a houseshare where you live. But I do feel like this is an overreaction. Just tell her that next time not to do that and go to his instead.

Abbylikeswine · 24/09/2024 11:21

You can't really control what another adult woman does.

Maybe you should have stayed in seperate hotels.

Well you know to stay in seperate hotels in future.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6