Girls Trip

[Franksnbeans]

Just got back from a girls trip away. There were 12 of us so we rented a large house closest to the majority and the rest of us have travelled there. Long weekend away so 3 nights from Friday through to today. I’m actually just on my way home and currently on the train

The actual trip has been great - we’ve done loads of activities, meals out, drinking, quite the typical girls trip away. In fact I’ve loved being with them all.

We are all in our late 40s, in long term relationships with kids, some of us are married, so organising something like this is rare. In fact, because of our busy lives with kids and full time jobs, we’ve never done more than one night away together. We do however speak often and on average we all get together for lunch/dinner in various quantities of us, about every 2-3 months. We have all known each other for years varying through school, work, kids etc

I have however been really shocked at one my friends. We have all found out this morning that in the dead of night lastnight when we were all asleep, that she has sneaked a random bloke into the house that she had met on the first night out of the trip, when we had gone to the local pub. I can honestly say she had spoken to him face to face on that night for no more than 5 minutes. We didn’t know she had got his number. She had sex with him in the house and then he left.

She has told us about it quite matter of factly this morning when we were all packing up and cleaning and when we have asked why, she has confessed that her and her DP have an open relationship. And her DP had consented. So in that aspect I cannot hold what she has done against her. Each to their own on that one.

However my issue is that none of us knew him, none of us knew he was coming into the house, she had waited until we were all fast asleep and it had clearly been planned. I can’t help but feel really sick at the thought that we had an adult male stranger in the house whilst we were all fast asleep and totally vulnerable. I’m already really wary about sleeping anywhere alone other than at home and it’s just really thrown me. I keep running through ‘what ifs’ in my mind.

Am I being a bit precious about it? My DP is absolutely furious - at her obviously not me. And I’m also really not sure how I approach this with friend in future

If she snuck him in for sex and then out again, I doint he would have had the opportunity to steal anything/ attack anyone or anything like that.

I think she should have told you though as with a large group of women in the house, the chances of one of you getting up in the night for a drink / to go to the toilet were high and it would be really scary to stumble across a random man that you weren't expecting in your house

While it wouldn't bother me that she had sex with a random bloke - her business really, I would be annoyed about having a man in the house that nobody else knew about and that she hardly knew. Yeah risk is small but not zero so would have made me uncomfortable

But it is relevant - because friend has proven that she will sneak someone in when everyone is asleep. And quite rightly, nobody wants that happening in their family home.

This is absolutely my point - thank you.

Whilst initially we were slightly horrified at her having sex with another guy in light that she’s married, we couldn’t judge her for it once we understood it’s an open marriage and her husband knew. But yes - there is still a small element of risk and I did indeed feel uncomfortable about it

It sounds more like your DP was chuffed at the ego-stroking flirting from your friend when he thought it was clandestine and he was the only one outside her marriage getting her attention, and is now bitter about the realisation that he’s nothing special to her. So he’s doing a bit of stirring.

For a brief amount of time an ordinary man who was not intending to do anything to any of you was in the same house as you. Nothing happened and you weren’t even aware of it. You and other friends can be clear that you don’t want it to happen on any future trips. It’s really not worth all this aggro.

This is all very dramatic OP.

So now she's going to be dragging in men to family homes full of sleeping children because of her insatiable lusts?

Anyone who doesn't agree with your pearl clutching and husband's bizarre reaction, is a viper.

You're all talking shit about her because you have children. Children are now involved!

She was very discreet, no one realised someone had been there until she said. No one was harmed and it's a simple matter of asking her to check before she does it again.

I would say there is a difference between bringing someone back to holiday accommodation and bringing someone into someone's actual home....

I can't possibly imagine why she never told anyone else she was in an open relationship 🙄

I mean now it's known your DP has decided she was always flirting with him and your friends think she must always be bringing strange men home

It's almost slut shaming and it feels kinda gross tbh

Thinking I’d be more pissed at the fact she’s had the balls to get flirty with your husband. It’s one thing having an open marriage, but to then get like that with a mate’s husband is definitely not on.

Also I’d be pissed with a random being brought back to the house - of course there’s a risk to everyone’s safety both physical and property wise.

Your friend really has a shit sense of judgement.

I think you're overreacting OP.

I would be annoyed. As others have said, it’s the possibility of bumping into a man you’ve never met before when you get up in the night to go for a piss, when you’re under the impression that you are in a house with only women that you know well.

Also, it’s just a bit of an odd choice while away on holiday with a group of women. I imagine most of us could get through a weekend without feeling like we must have sex with someone.

I’m torn. I wouldn’t appreciate a lack of heads up so I could lock my door but the flip side is she had to go to his house (a stranger) alone so if it’s a toss up I’d rather she brought him to ours than felt forced to possibly put herself in danger

I'd think it was a weird thing to do but it's her life and I wouldn't feel in danger or anything.

If anything you, your DP and your friend are the vipers.

Over reacting about things that didn’t happen, making assumptions about your friend and what she will or won’t do at your friends house and in the company of your DP…..

As pp said no wonder she didn’t say before this what her relationship status is. I bet the WhatsApp messages have been going crazy across your group this morning

Jesus what a load of hysterical reactions from yourself and your DH. The guy was vastly outnumbered and it was between 2 consenting adults. They didn't shag in the same bed or room as you. How do you think people cope in house shares!?

But I also don't get why people get worked up about the term 'girls trip.' 'Women's trip' just sounds ridiculous. I couldn't imagine texting my friends saying 'hello, fancy going on a women's trip?' How cringe.

Do you never hear the term 'girl band?' Or 'girlfriend?'
I highly doubt it's 'WomenzBand' or 'of course, bring your WOMANFRIEND.' Unclench. You don't need to be sat in the corner barking WOMAN! Everytime someone says girl band / girls trip / girlfriend. It's cringe.

Exactly. And cringe.

YANBU.

If she was sharing a room so had sex with this man in a communal area it is not on. Anyone could have got up for a drink of water, half-dressed, and walked in on them.

And as a PP said, although the risk of him assaulting someone else is minimal, it isn't zero. If she was that desperate - go to his room.

What has it got to do with your DP?

Answer: Absolutely nothing.

Absolutely furious lol he needs to get a grip

@M340 I’ll be honest, the number of times you’ve used ‘cringe’ as if it were an adjective is, well… cringe-worthy.

Wouldn't bother me, let the girl have some fun I say

When I lived in houseshares, I locked my door at night, and I knew that I should wear a robe when going to the bathroom, because my housemates had every right to bring men home, have boyfriends or brothers or whoever to visit, etc., and they didn’t need to inform me if that was going to happen.

If I were in a holiday rental with a gang of female friends, I would happily leave my door unlocked and go to the bathroom in my pants and a t-shirt, because it wouldn’t cross my mind that one of them would decide to bring a man to stay there without giving the rest of us a heads up.

I wouldn’t judge this friend for having a ONS if she has an open relationship - I genuinely don’t care. But I would like to know that I need to a) lock my door and b) make sure I’m covered up when going to the bathroom. Sure, most randomers aren’t going to take the opportunity to harm anyone. But I have the right to decide how to manage my own safety. And I have the right to decide who gets to see the (frankly artistic) sight of me in my underwear going for a bleary-eyed pee at 2 a.m. Let me tell you now, a male stranger does not make the list of people I would permit to see that sight. And yeah, I would lock my door if a female stranger were brought back, too.

One of my friendship group back in college was murdered by a ONS he picked up. The murderer was male, but that’s not the point. The point is that I make specific decisions about my safety when there are strangers around, behind closed doors, when I am asleep. One of those decisions is based on the knowledge that people you pick up for sex can be dangerous, and I have every right to insulate myself from the potential risks of someone else’s decisions. If I don’t know about those decisions, I’m robbed of the right to protect myself. It’s the sneaking that’s a friendship-breaker for me.

I'd also consider a man she had been messaging different to a ONS
There would be a trail back to him in the messages on her phone that would make him easier to find than just a random bloke in the pub

More of a risk for him then if he did anything

*We couldn't judge her for it once we understood it's an open marriage
*
Sounds very much like you are judging her to me! Also very convenient your DH now mentions flirty behaviour to him now this has come out. Just because she has an open marriage, doesn't mean she steals people's husbands. Sounds like you both just don't approve of her/their lifestyle.

She probably was on holiday, away from her own children and husband and took her opportunity to have fun. Maybe she doesn't have much chance at home usually. Can't see how it affects anyone else, you wouldn't even know now if she hadn't said anything.