Girls Trip

[Franksnbeans]

Just got back from a girls trip away. There were 12 of us so we rented a large house closest to the majority and the rest of us have travelled there. Long weekend away so 3 nights from Friday through to today. I’m actually just on my way home and currently on the train

The actual trip has been great - we’ve done loads of activities, meals out, drinking, quite the typical girls trip away. In fact I’ve loved being with them all.

We are all in our late 40s, in long term relationships with kids, some of us are married, so organising something like this is rare. In fact, because of our busy lives with kids and full time jobs, we’ve never done more than one night away together. We do however speak often and on average we all get together for lunch/dinner in various quantities of us, about every 2-3 months. We have all known each other for years varying through school, work, kids etc

I have however been really shocked at one my friends. We have all found out this morning that in the dead of night lastnight when we were all asleep, that she has sneaked a random bloke into the house that she had met on the first night out of the trip, when we had gone to the local pub. I can honestly say she had spoken to him face to face on that night for no more than 5 minutes. We didn’t know she had got his number. She had sex with him in the house and then he left.

She has told us about it quite matter of factly this morning when we were all packing up and cleaning and when we have asked why, she has confessed that her and her DP have an open relationship. And her DP had consented. So in that aspect I cannot hold what she has done against her. Each to their own on that one.

However my issue is that none of us knew him, none of us knew he was coming into the house, she had waited until we were all fast asleep and it had clearly been planned. I can’t help but feel really sick at the thought that we had an adult male stranger in the house whilst we were all fast asleep and totally vulnerable. I’m already really wary about sleeping anywhere alone other than at home and it’s just really thrown me. I keep running through ‘what ifs’ in my mind.

Am I being a bit precious about it? My DP is absolutely furious - at her obviously not me. And I’m also really not sure how I approach this with friend in future

I would be surprised at her behaviour but not feel the need to catastrophise about what could have happened. She didn't have to tell you all about her guest, so she seems to have wanted you all to know about her marriage. I wouldn't even be worried about her staying over in other friends' homes - surely it's easy enough to lay ground rules in advance.

Do you really believe she has flirted with your husband or would chase someone who is in a committed relationship?

She had a bang get over it.

sounds like jealousy could be at play… is it all a bit stale between you the the DH

This, being a bit creeped out by an open relationship I can understand. One man in a house with 12 women, not so much. What on earth did you think would happen?

I honestly can't see the issue. She's your friend, so presumably you're able to trust her judgement on who she deems safe enough to sleep with. I've lived in a lot of houseshares where everyone brings back randoms all the time. You just make them a cup of tea in the morning if they happen to be leaving when you're in the kitchen!!
You do you. Let her do her.

I really couldn't care less about this tbh

didnt you go to uni? or have a flatshare in your twenties?? when i was at uni and living in london as a youngster, we had all kinds of random stopover guests over the years!! if we had all been furious when someone had someone back then we'd all have been celibate from 18-28!

Live a little! and your husband needs to get over it. unlikely the lucky stranger would have murdered the 12 menopausal girls tbh!

I always miss the point of threads.

My biggest take out was your comment that your DP was furious.

Surely the issues are around how it affected your weekend, your trust with your group of friends and your feelings- unless there are underlying issues your DP’s opinion is irrelevant.

So 12 women and 1 bloke?

What were you afraid of? He’s a brave man 😂

But turn it around, 12 blokes in a air b&b, one sneaks in a woman for sex. Just sex. Then tells (brags) about it to the boys the next morning.

Sorry but it's a little sordid

Whilst I would agree it’s rather unseemly behaviour on a weekend away, I don’t really understand why your DP is furious.

With the ratio of women present I really don’t think he presented a threat.

It’s fair enough if you just don’t like what she did, but I don’t think you should dress it up to be more than it was.

Gwan.. get over yourselves!

You’re not being precious. Your weekend wasn’t a shag holiday and this person used it as such.

The inner workings of her relationships is not your business but when it flies into your face and puts you at risk it is.

I don’t think I would invite her again.

I would feel uncomfortable because it feels a bit sleazy. The type of man who is just there for the sex with a random he met in the pub is not someone I would want to bump into on my way to the toilet at night. More than likely he was a normal man who couldn’t believe his luck. But I get why you were upset.

This

The fact that she didn’t tell you about the open relationship, and that you think it’s something people ‘shouldn’t shout about’ says everything. She hadn’t told you because she knew how you’d react (like there’s a problem with her relationship, or it’s not normal, that it’s something to keep quiet). That says much more about you than her.

There were 12 of you in the house, and it was a much safer choice than her going out of the house alone with no one any the wiser (see previous comment about her clearly not feeling comfortable to tell any of you), spending time with this man who knows where, putting herself significantly at risk.

If you’ve got teenagers, are you 100% sure they never sneak someone in when they come home from a club? Did you never live with friends at university, with one housemate or another having a random in their room regularly?

It wouldn’t bother me to be honest, but then it wouldn’t happen either. My friends feel safe to tell me about their relationships and wouldn’t have to do it under cover of darkness.

This friend doesn’t feel safe to share this sort of thing with the majority of your group, OP. That’s quite a sad thought.

Whilst I can’t stand the use of ‘girls’ for women, it’s hardly the same, it’s a fairly common to use the term ‘girls trip’.

I’d not be bothered by the open marriage bit at all, but I would be bothered about there being a strange man in the house.

I don't think it's something that would bother me. I mean there's probably a lot of random men that have keys to the holiday let and could come in whenever they wanted. (Owners, tradesmen)

Also I don't think her bringing someone to a holiday home that she paid for where only adults are staying at all translates to she might being some random bloke back to someone elses home where their kids are sleeping. Bit of hyperbole there.

Ffs get over yourself OP 😂 - 12 of you vs 1 bloke who got in, shagged then got out without anyone realising?! And, what on earth does your husband got to do with this? He's furious?! Over what - the fact that he probably lapped up the flirting (nice drip feed btw) and now realises that hes not that special, and she prob flirts with loads of people? Sounds like hes trying to shit stir too... Honestly - this is such a non event - you're just judging her on what shes doing, which frankly nothing to do with you. Im inclined to also think, you all cant be that close a friend with her, considering none of you even knew about this?....

Get over yourself, honestly. There were 12 women in their 40s in the house, sleeping in their bedroom. One person had a male guest in the living area.
What exactly do you think could have happened?

He could easily have gone into another room with another woman in there and raped or sexually assaulted her, or physically harmed her, or stolen from her. Don't know what about that is so hard to understand. Everyone else would be asleep and also not expecting someone else in the house.

In a house share each bedroom has a lock on the bedroom door.

I highly doubt a house let out as a full airbnb does.

The fucking puritans on mumsnet 😂 “dubious morals”? She’s an adult in an open relationship, that is not “dubious morals”.

OP this is a massive over reaction. There was realistically not a safety concern and in any event nothing happened. It sounds like you have issues with the “dubious morality” of the situation and you’re using safety concerns as an excuse to be outraged.

When you live in a house share you obviously expect this sort of thing, it’s no big deal. On a rare weekend away with female friends at that life stage I wouldn’t be impressed at all. It’s just not in the spirit of the weekend to invite a random back to the place you’re sharing. The weekend is about the friend group, surely.

I wouldn’t be furious, but I’d not be happy and would say so if another weekend is planned, I’d want to know who was in the house overnight.