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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girls Trip

135 replies

Franksnbeans · 16/09/2024 11:28

Just got back from a girls trip away. There were 12 of us so we rented a large house closest to the majority and the rest of us have travelled there. Long weekend away so 3 nights from Friday through to today. I’m actually just on my way home and currently on the train

The actual trip has been great - we’ve done loads of activities, meals out, drinking, quite the typical girls trip away. In fact I’ve loved being with them all.

We are all in our late 40s, in long term relationships with kids, some of us are married, so organising something like this is rare. In fact, because of our busy lives with kids and full time jobs, we’ve never done more than one night away together. We do however speak often and on average we all get together for lunch/dinner in various quantities of us, about every 2-3 months. We have all known each other for years varying through school, work, kids etc

I have however been really shocked at one my friends. We have all found out this morning that in the dead of night lastnight when we were all asleep, that she has sneaked a random bloke into the house that she had met on the first night out of the trip, when we had gone to the local pub. I can honestly say she had spoken to him face to face on that night for no more than 5 minutes. We didn’t know she had got his number. She had sex with him in the house and then he left.

She has told us about it quite matter of factly this morning when we were all packing up and cleaning and when we have asked why, she has confessed that her and her DP have an open relationship. And her DP had consented. So in that aspect I cannot hold what she has done against her. Each to their own on that one.

However my issue is that none of us knew him, none of us knew he was coming into the house, she had waited until we were all fast asleep and it had clearly been planned. I can’t help but feel really sick at the thought that we had an adult male stranger in the house whilst we were all fast asleep and totally vulnerable. I’m already really wary about sleeping anywhere alone other than at home and it’s just really thrown me. I keep running through ‘what ifs’ in my mind.

Am I being a bit precious about it? My DP is absolutely furious - at her obviously not me. And I’m also really not sure how I approach this with friend in future

OP posts:
SpringYay · 16/09/2024 12:05

Not sure why anyone is furious about 2 consenting adults doing what they want to do? I don't think 11 other women were at risk from this one man. All seems a bit unreasonable and an overreaction.

Frogmarch89 · 16/09/2024 12:06

I think you're over reacting. Surely this has happened before? I'm 38 and been on loads of girls trips, holidays and lived in house shares and now and then somebody has brought somebody back.

A bit grim of she has a partner and kids but that's her choice. The safety thing wouldn't even enter my head to be honest.

ghostyslovesheets · 16/09/2024 12:07

She was with him the whole time and he left soon after - not really an issue - she’s an adult and yes - as others have said, if you’ve lived in a house share it won’t be a new experience

C152 · 16/09/2024 12:07

I wouldn't care about something like this. He came back for sex and left immediately afterwards. It has no impact on you or anyone else. The fact she told you means she now wants you all to know about this part of her life. I suppose he could have been a thief, but most people keep their valuables in their bedroom at night so, again, I wouldn't be overly bothered by this.

DeCaray · 16/09/2024 12:08

I wouldn't be friends with someone who has dubious morals.

I would also tell her husband.

Katielovesteatime · 16/09/2024 12:08

Gosh, guess you never lived in a house share at uni! What do you think might have happened - he might have used the opportunity to murder all 12 of you?

Neverstophoping · 16/09/2024 12:27

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 16/09/2024 12:01

Get over yourself. It's a colloquialism

Show quote history

I don't know what you mean by "it's colloquialism."

Using the term "girls" to describe adult women feeds into the perception that women are not equal in society. That they can be dismissed as of lesser importance because they do not have the fully formed opinions and status of adults.

I will say I equally dislike the use of the term " lads" to describe adult men: "lads" holiday, "lads" night out, "lads" stag do.
It's used then to to excuse their loutish , often drunken, inappropriate behaviour, which is not what should be acceptable in responsible adults.

Itisjustmyopinion · 16/09/2024 12:28

DeCaray · 16/09/2024 12:08

I wouldn't be friends with someone who has dubious morals.

I would also tell her husband.

If they are in an open relationship I would take a guess that her husband doesn’t care and was probably up to the same while his wife was away

DesigningWoman · 16/09/2024 12:29

DeCaray · 16/09/2024 12:08

I wouldn't be friends with someone who has dubious morals.

I would also tell her husband.

He knows. And sex is in no way a ‘moral’ issue assuming everyone’s consenting.

UltramarineViolet · 16/09/2024 12:35

I would probably be a bit bemused and surprised but your DP being 'furious' sounds like a big overreaction

If you were all younger and more of you were single then I'm sure you wouldn't bat an eyelid

Original poster
Franksnbeans · 16/09/2024 12:39

Thanks all - yes I have lived in a house share before - well over 20 years ago but there’s a reason why I’d never live in a house share in my 40s even if I was single and as married/settled women in our 40s I wouldn’t have anticipated this being even slightly appropriate thing for any woman sharing a holiday home with other friends without it having at least been mentioned beforehand.

OP posts:
needsomewarmsunshine · 16/09/2024 12:40

I can't clutch pearls over your friend or the use of girls or lads tbh. A 'women's trip' sounds so old fashioned.

MissPeaches · 16/09/2024 12:56

DeCaray · 16/09/2024 12:08

I wouldn't be friends with someone who has dubious morals.

I would also tell her husband.

Is it dubious morals if you have an open marriage? Her husband doesn’t seem to think so.

Frogmarch89 · 16/09/2024 13:04

Franksnbeans · 16/09/2024 12:39

Thanks all - yes I have lived in a house share before - well over 20 years ago but there’s a reason why I’d never live in a house share in my 40s even if I was single and as married/settled women in our 40s I wouldn’t have anticipated this being even slightly appropriate thing for any woman sharing a holiday home with other friends without it having at least been mentioned beforehand.

So is it really a safety issue or you just don't approve of her behaviour?

I think maybe you and your husband being furious that a man happened to be in the house while you were there with 11 other adults is an overreaction and it's more likely you're just judging your friend for her behaviour. Which is fine by the way, you're entitled to your opinion but let's not pretend it's a safety thing.

Beezknees · 16/09/2024 13:05

DeCaray · 16/09/2024 12:08

I wouldn't be friends with someone who has dubious morals.

I would also tell her husband.

How is that dubious morals?

MartinCrieffsLemon · 16/09/2024 13:08

DeCaray · 16/09/2024 12:08

I wouldn't be friends with someone who has dubious morals.

I would also tell her husband.

Nothing dubious about 2 consenting adults having sex when one of them is in a fully consenting open relationship

And her husband knows. She may have even text him to "check" in

JacquelineShit · 16/09/2024 13:11

Please someone tell me I'm not going mad and they've read this exact same thread before?

Starlight1979 · 16/09/2024 13:15

Your DH was "furious"?!?! Haha!!! Why exactly?!

Dweetfidilove · 16/09/2024 13:18

I don't see a safety issue with so many of you.
I don't see an etiquette issue as they were so discreet, no-one knew until she said. Presumably she didn't have him in a shared room and he did the deed and left promptly.

I can't understand why your partner is so furious though. Quite the overreaction there.

Itisjustmyopinion · 16/09/2024 13:20

If she had paraded him through the house and said “see you in the morning girls” with a wink then you could say she had poor etiquette, but she was discreet so still not sure what the issue is

Luckypinkduck · 16/09/2024 13:54

I can see how it might not be what you would expect on that sort of trip so you might be a bit annoyed.

But no idea why your husband is annoyed. What does it have to do with him?

Original poster
Franksnbeans · 16/09/2024 14:32

Well all I’ll say is the vipers are out in force today.

Firstly let me make it clear that my days of house sharing and all the trials and tribulations of that are over. We are, or at least I thought, all a little bit more refined than that

DP is annoyed about it because it’s left me with a really odd feeling about the entire trip and about my friendship - it’s cost an absolute fortune for the weekend away and with this having been booked a while ago, we didn’t book our usual annual trip we take for DPs birthday - usually we will book a spa weekend away but I financially gave this trip priority. He just finds friends behaviour quite disrespectful under the circumstances but agrees that had she made it clear beforehand, at least it gives an opportunity for my other friends and I to say how we feel about it, and of course if anyone hadn’t been happy about her having a visitor of that nature then we could have suggested perhaps she met him in an alternative hotel room - after all what she chooses to do is fine, but it shouldn’t be impacting on anyone else

On a further note, I will add that it did happen that we were in bed slightly earlier lastnight after having a couple of already late nights, so we could be well rested for our journey back. But we hadn’t planned an early night - so with hindsight I’m wondering what her plan had been if we had stayed up as late as we had the other 2 nights, perhaps she would have had to march him straight past us.

DP has also since added that the open relationship explains this friends behaviour towards him - he has now revealed that at a number of occasions we have all attended together as couples, that friend has been particularly overly flirty with him but he has never told me because he didn’t want to impact on my friendship and I know he wouldn’t have engaged in flirting with her. I mean it’s a totally separate matter and I have no reason at all to doubt DPs loyalty to me, but it’s something for me to just be aware of in future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Franksnbeans · 16/09/2024 14:35

On an even further note, it’s not just me who is bothered. Friend has often stayed over at other friends houses after nights out we have had. So they too have questioned her staying over in future, also not wanting random men being brought into their houses where their children are sleeping.

OP posts:
Original poster
Franksnbeans · 16/09/2024 14:38

Dweetfidilove · 16/09/2024 13:18

I don't see a safety issue with so many of you.
I don't see an etiquette issue as they were so discreet, no-one knew until she said. Presumably she didn't have him in a shared room and he did the deed and left promptly.

I can't understand why your partner is so furious though. Quite the overreaction there.

He was actually somewhere in the living space - friend had been sharing a room with someone else so I know it definitely wasn’t in a bedroom. I suppose had she had her own room with its own access then it perhaps wouldnt have been as bad.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 16/09/2024 14:43

Franksnbeans · 16/09/2024 14:35

On an even further note, it’s not just me who is bothered. Friend has often stayed over at other friends houses after nights out we have had. So they too have questioned her staying over in future, also not wanting random men being brought into their houses where their children are sleeping.

But that’s not even relevant - there were no kids there - all your friend needs to do is tell her ‘no random men’ if she ever stays again- but nothing in your post suggests it’s been an issue in the past.

calling people vipers because they don’t agree is a bit daft

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