Husband is buying a car when I don't think he should.

[Adeil]

I'm really not sure if I am being unreasonable here and would appreciate your thoughts.

This morning my husband sent me a message of links to cars to buy, out of the blue.

So, he's decided we need a second car. His reasoning:

• our current one is too small
• our current one is old
• it means we can both go to different places if we want to

He's right, the car is too small (it's a Corsa), realistically, for two kids and the dog, but we manage.
It's also old, but it keeps going and doesn't really cost a lot or need much work.

So, I agree we could upgrade our current car, maybe get something a bit newer and a bit bigger. He's insistent we need a second car. Because "it means we can both go to different places".
The things is, I just don't think this is likely, we've been fine with one car for the past 10 yrs (admittedly, I only learnt to drive last year).
However, we either WFH or commutes to London - via bike, then train.
I do sometimes drive to work, but more often I bike. Both my work and the train station are walkable from our house.

At the weekend we tend to do things as a family, or one of us will take one of the kids to football club, for example.

So why would we need a second car!?
He's now basically told me, he's going to do it anyway and I'm really frustrated about it.

Technically speaking, it would be bought with money he earnt freelancing, but he's not really explained how he plans on running both cars. So I assume he's expecting me to take over costs for one - I'm not sure I could afford it tbh, but if I can then I don't want to anyway.

I'm really upset (possibly irrationally so) but I just feel like he's made this very expensive decision without even consulting me and honestly think the money (which, is not mine, but I did facilitate him earling it in that I took on all the extra childcare whilst he was working etc) could be better spent elsewhere.
I'm starting to really question our marriage (not just because of this) and I don't know if I'm being massive irrational or not?

Don't think it is a massive luxury these days to be a two car family.

Two people, two kids and a dog isn't great in a Corsa. And small old cars in a crash are not the best.

The bigger issue is whether you can afford it. It should be a joint discussion and should be agreed together, no matter how reluctant one party is to agreeing.

On the face of it, it sounds like he’s right.

But it’s not about that, it’s about the lack of communication and not taking your feelings into account.

@CreativeOriginalUsername
I think you've you're right. It's more about the fact that he seems to have just decided when I think the money could be put to better use elsewhere.

I suggested part exchanging our current car to get a newer family car, rather than getting two cheap ones. But he's insistent we need two cars. I just can't see why we could need one. There's nothing we NEED to drive to, we do, because it's easier, but we don't HAVE to. If that makes sense.

@GasPanic No, I agree the corsa isn't ideal, and tbh would be happy to part exchange it to get something bigger etc.
But I just can't see why he'd insist we need two cars. We really don't.

We have 1 small car for our family of 4. About 3 or 4 times a year it is annoying only having 1 car. The rest of the time it is fine. We decided it's much cheaper paying for the occasional taxi if needed than running a second car.

I think you need to stop having the conversation until you can sit down and talk about it in person. It sounds as though your finances are separate, which is fine, but then you need to have a serious discussion on the impact this has on you. Personally I would look to upgrading to a larger car before adding a second, but he’s right that family logistics may well mean that two cars would be useful sooner than you think.

I'm not a car person, think they are a waste of money and would drive the Corsa until it dies then replace with something bigger.

Well it does sound like it’s time for a bigger/newer car and if you find you’re never using both cars at the same time you can always sell the corsa down the line. So he’s not wrong. However, his communication skills leave a lot to be desired and I get why you’re pissed off at the way he’s gone about it, I’d feel exactly the same.

I’d be thinking he wants to go off on his own for jaunts and trips out OP. Hence the emphasis on justifying why he wants a second car.

I think he needs to discuss things properly with you. A bigger car sounds sensible two does not seem necessary. Write your list of pros & cons and sit down and talk to him when he’s home. It’s unfair if he’s expecting you to shoulder the cost of one car if it’s not your decision.

I don’t think you’re thinking ahead like he is. You’re looking back and thinking that for x years, when you couldn’t drive and for most of it didn’t have dogs and kids you managed fine with one car. You’re also looking at now and thinking how you walk, cycle, WFH and so on.

But as the kids get older, what if they have different activities on the same day after school but at different places? What then?

What if you both need the car - not a WFH day for either of you and it’s too far or too bad weather to walk or cycle and trains are on strike again.

What if you want to go shopping, but he wants to get the dogs walked?

I think that buying a new, safer, family car while keeping old car as a run around with dogs car is actually a good idea. You will get next to nothing on part exchange for such an old car, it’s probably paid off so just the cost to run it until it dies. So keep it too. It will add more options to planning family life at very little extra cost.

you do know that when he sent the links you could have shut him down immediaetely don't you?

you could simply have repleid with NO! or, if you needed to think about it, after some some replied with NO!

or.. you could make it clear that if he purchases a 2nd car with his own money then he is the one that takes up the financial burdon of said 2nd car!

you've made a lot of assumptions.... perhaps a conversation between the pair of you would be your first port of call.

Thanks everyone, you all make fair points.

To answer a few-
I did immediately question if he meant as a replacement for our current or in addition, when it became clear we were on very different pages I suggested we park the conversation for another day. Unfortunately I'm going away with the kids today and not back until Friday.

I suspect this was the catalyst to him deciding we need two cars- I'm taking the car for this week, but, it's literally the only time I've gone away with the kids and taken the car. And it's not likely to be happening again as it's only happening now due to very specific circumstances.

I think a pp was right when they said they'd be concerned he would be going off on jaunts on his own. I think this is probably it - it's another way for him to avoid family life and do what he likes without really considering me or the kids.

Seems reasonable enough. Everyone needs their own time and space. He was probably used to having his own car before the OP got a licence.

You don't get to "shut people down immediately" when you are in a relationship.

Not if you want it to last anyway.

Saying "No" is just as bad as the other partly saying "Yes".

You have to negotiate some sort of compromise where neither party gets entirely what they want, but is an acceptable outcome for both sides.

If you don't want or need a car, presumably he'll be fine if you sell the corsa rather than paying for continuing to pay its costs?
Maybe work out what all those costs are. Then how much that would buy you in terms of taxis or maybe a hire car for a week if you need to take the kids away without him again?

If you have access to good public transport and are in an area where parking is difficult/expensive, a second car is probably at best an unnecessary luxury or at worst a hinderance.

Realistically how often do you think it will be used? You can pay for a lot of taxis or join a car club for a fraction of the amount it costs to buy and run even a cheap car.

I'd consider replacing the Corsa with something bigger and newer but running two cars seems a waste of money in your circumstances.

We only have one car. We did have two and debated the selling of the second as it was a good low mileage ULEZ compliant.

But the cost of just keeping them on the road is a lot. Insurance has gone up a lot, especially if one would need to move to your name only before you've been driving two years.

MOT, servicing, couple of new tyres. Realistically £600 plus without any issues.

I mostly WFH and husband is within easy walking distance so we couldn't justify it.

Like a PP said, once or twice a year it would be handy but not enough to justify the extra expense.

I’m with you, if you’ve managed 10 years with one car why on earth do you suddenly need two? Definitely upgrade to something more roomy, comfortable but why an extra one.

I’d put money on him getting some unpractical sporty car for the second car which is why he wants two. He’ll drive the flash new one and leave you and the kids with the corsa. He also has no respect for your opinion or involvement. Sounds like this is just the final straw for you- so good luck. What a twat.

100% with you.

i'm with you, if you’ve managed 10 years with one car why on earth do you suddenly need two?
Because for 9 out of those 10 years the dh has done all the driving so there couldn't have been 2 cars?

I'd be upset too.

It sounds like there are bigger issues here:

Financially you say that you might be expected to pay the running costs for the corsa but you can't afford it. How are your finances run? Unusual its not joint?

Plus you said it's another reason for him for escape from family life- are there wider issues here of him doing this?

But from what you say, it doesn't sound like it's needed at all.

Tell him that you think it's a great idea, he can continue to use the cords dm you'll have a bigger car to run the kids around. Bet he changes his mind

OP has only been driving a year so it’s not like they’ve gone 10 years sharing a car they both drive. They now for the past year share the car and maybe after the last year DH has decided it would be better to get a second car so everyone is free to do what they please.

However OP I do think a sit down to talk about the financial side of it is what is needed. If you can’t afford to run a car he needs to know that before making any decisions.

I wouldn't worry. I thought my husband had 2 motorbikes until I went into the garage to find something. Only to be greeted by 4!! No4 was a recent purchase but No3 6 months ago