Husband is buying a car when I don't think he should.

[Adeil]

I'm really not sure if I am being unreasonable here and would appreciate your thoughts.

This morning my husband sent me a message of links to cars to buy, out of the blue.

So, he's decided we need a second car. His reasoning:

• our current one is too small
• our current one is old
• it means we can both go to different places if we want to

He's right, the car is too small (it's a Corsa), realistically, for two kids and the dog, but we manage.
It's also old, but it keeps going and doesn't really cost a lot or need much work.

So, I agree we could upgrade our current car, maybe get something a bit newer and a bit bigger. He's insistent we need a second car. Because "it means we can both go to different places".
The things is, I just don't think this is likely, we've been fine with one car for the past 10 yrs (admittedly, I only learnt to drive last year).
However, we either WFH or commutes to London - via bike, then train.
I do sometimes drive to work, but more often I bike. Both my work and the train station are walkable from our house.

At the weekend we tend to do things as a family, or one of us will take one of the kids to football club, for example.

So why would we need a second car!?
He's now basically told me, he's going to do it anyway and I'm really frustrated about it.

Technically speaking, it would be bought with money he earnt freelancing, but he's not really explained how he plans on running both cars. So I assume he's expecting me to take over costs for one - I'm not sure I could afford it tbh, but if I can then I don't want to anyway.

I'm really upset (possibly irrationally so) but I just feel like he's made this very expensive decision without even consulting me and honestly think the money (which, is not mine, but I did facilitate him earling it in that I took on all the extra childcare whilst he was working etc) could be better spent elsewhere.
I'm starting to really question our marriage (not just because of this) and I don't know if I'm being massive irrational or not?

Part-ex would be silly, but it's still a £1500 car even if it's got 100k on it.

We actually have three cars between two of us, but we're both petrolheads...and, as it happens, that Corsa is 7 years newer than any of ours :D

As the children get older a second car will get more useful, then if one child has an activity, party or something the other parent can still take the other child somewhere or get stuff done.

We know one family with one car but they don't do much independently (neither parent goes out alone much, and they're the kind to show up at a kids party with the whole family)

So I assume he's expecting me to take over costs for one

Well, this is the question to ask.

I have to say that we have been a two car household ever since we got together (25+ years) but found that really we just don’t need the other one as since Covid, DH is WFH. Not paying out for two lots of insurance, tax, MOT, repairs and tyres has been really useful!

We don’t need 2 and only had 1 for a year but we are back up to 2 and I do prefer it .

Because then he'd get to drive the big, flashy one to impress people and you clatter around in the Corsa with the kids and dog whilst he's off out being impressive around others (side order of 'God no, I'm not having them in my car!').

If he can unilaterally buy a car, then maybe you can unilaterally sell the other one. And maybe pocket the money or put it towards a divorce.

Even if they rarely use them both at the same time, maybe it's essential that they have the option to if they needed to?

We very rarely need our second car. I take my car to work and usually can do the nursery run around that. But if my commute is longer or I need to be in the office earlier/later, my husband needs a car to be able to do the nursery run. There's no other option for us, we're rural with no taxis that would do a 10 minute round trip for my husband.

Which cars is you looking at? Is it similar price range of an oldish Corsa?

I can understand the need for a second car but if it's clearly putting pressure on the family finances he shouldn't just go and buy it🙄

I have one that’s very new, one that’s a little bit less new, one from the 1960s and one from the 1970s. 70s is my absolute favourite. It’s louder than it is fast. My name is a clue. 😂

We have 2 cars mainly because my DP is very keen that we do, whereas I think we could manage fine with one and bus, cycle, walk or taxi occasionally if needed. I am happy enough with this as it would be me working out planning ahead who needs to be where and when the car is available and I do enough planning for us as it is. It is mainly the running costs as we wouldn't get much if we sold it. How are your finances if you say you would take over paying for it? Both cars come out of our joint account.

And I bet he becomes the main driver of the newer, better car too.

I would never be without my own car personally. Keep the corsa, get a bigger second car. Who cares who drives it, its a joint enterprise surely

I find it weird when people don’t have two cars, I’ve always had my own and now pool with DH but we have the freedom to take a child each and aren’t beholden to just one car. I’ve always lived in the countryside though.

My retired parents have four cars 🤣

I don’t agree with him. 2 cars are not needed. Twice the expense, 2 to go wrong. It’s just not necessary imo to have added expense. I am v frugal though & I would love to have no car at all. How will it be paid, monthly or outright? Have you asked him if he’s wanting you to pay for one?

I would rather swish everyone in a corsa (or get an upgrade but still keep the 2 car).

This is a decision to be made together though, not just him!

@LoremIpsumCici

Thanks all for your input. Been a busy day with the kids so lots to think about now...

To answer a few things - I didn't learn to drive in the last 9yrs of our relationship because I just didn't need to. We would literally only ever go out on a weekend and DH was fine to drive.
A large part of me learning to drive was that DS is disabled and regular hospital trips when DH wasn't around ( at work, etc) to drive us was getting annoying.

We both get time to ourselves, every now and then we do a day where I take the kids/stay at home with them and he goes out or vice versa. So we both get a day to ourselves either at home or out if that's what we fancy semi regularly.

I've been away with the kids alone before a few times, this is the first time I took the car, at his suggestion. As there was no bread at home he walked to a shop about 20 minutes away (past the 4 closer shops) because he fancied the walk... Just shows how much he desperately needs the car....

I completely understand that other families may need more than one car for various reasons. We really do not.
The car we have currently can easily sit outside our house untouched Mon-Fri because we really don't need it in the week. It might get the occasional evening drive somewhere. At the weekends we tend to go to places together, if we drive. That's not even a given.

I had a quick chat with DH earlier about his thoughts/plans. He said that he planned to keep the insurance cheap by not putting me on it for the new car (he later said he only said this because I seemed concerned about the costs). I enquired about car seats (DC are toddler/preschool age, so need car seats) and he doesn't plan on buying more of those either...

So, I think pp that said earlier he wants a car for him to go off on his own is probably right.... 🤷🏻‍♀️

I've restated that I am absolutely certain we don't need a second car but he's certain we do, so, it looks like we're getting one 🤷🏻‍♀️ I may take a pp's advice to unilaterally sell a car.. (tongue in cheek, largely because it's not in my name).

As a general rule, DH isn't usually selfish but he's been having a rough time lately. I'm fairly sure he's depressed. I assume that's making him act differently to how he normally would.

As I said before, our relationship hasn't been great of late, so this is really something to think about in the context of long term, but it's reassuring that not EVERYONE felt I was being unreasonable. Also reassuring that not EVERYONE felt I wasn't being unreasonable. Its obviously not cut and dried so maybe that's why it's such a problem, neither of us is really being unreasonable and there's not an obvious compromise. We can't exactly get half a car... 🤔

Ironically, so do mine!

The cost of running a second car have surprised me. The insurance was a shock. We recently changed down to one car because of changes to life style.
Bought a 4yr old Kia.

If you don't need a car (like you haven't for years) then sell the corsa. But then don't complain if you want to use the car at the same time as him if you are the one deciding you only need one.

And if he wants to use his own money for that, why shouldn’t he be? As a grown adult he has agency and if he wants to buy his own car, he should be free to do so.

No wonder the guy is depressed, being subject to the mindset prevalent on this thread…

Even though it affects the family finances?

If it's a car for his sole use, then why not just say that? Why frame it as a benefit to the family when it's for his?

He has described the car as old and not good enough but expects his wife to drive it? I didn't see any mention of how they both need a new car, just that they need two. If the old one is that bad in his eyes why not get rid of it?

Its a bullshit excuse to justify his selfishness

The cost of the new car is a matter for discussion if it is going to affect the ‘family’ finances. If he can afford it without affecting the current finances, he should be free to go ahead. It’s not selfish, it’s called having agency.

He has no doubt spent years solely responsible for ferrying everyone about (where a non-driving male partner is often regarded on here as a red flag) and had the freedom of being able to take the car. Clearly he wants to continue to do so.

My OH and I choose and buy our own cars, and wouldn’t have it any other way.

He doesn't want to share a car with you from the sound of it.

I think it also depends on what you mean by second hand car. I see someone referencing a 4 year old Kia above, Im currently looking at cars and am looking at 2011 regs. Cars dont have to be that expensive (although for those years Im still looking to pay about 5k which is a lot of money)

He absolutely is unreasonable when it affects family finances.

OP time to give some thought as to how you protect yourself because his head is not in the game.

He is thinking primarily about himself.