Disagreement with in laws and moving forward

[shill4nuttn]

We went out to a restaurant to celebrate my young teen son's birthday. His cousin started sharing something on the phone just when the food came out. None of my kids own cell phones. We have a strict no phones at the table policy. I asked my son not to use the phone at the table. His older cousin said he was giving my son "permission" to use it and that I was being autocratic. I was so taken aback at this attack on me and so, I complained to his mom to rein him in. This kid has barely said two words to me all his life and he just orders me what I should do with my own son.
Now, my very vocal FIL joined in and basically told me to shut up and let everyone enjoy their meal, especially the birthday boy--who is my son. All the family present were relatives of my husband.
To clarify, I told the teen cousin he was free to do what he liked but my son was not allowed to use the phone at the table. Meanwhile. the rest of the meal was awkward and now, my husband and I have also fought over it because he didn't seem to think his father was overreacting and disrespectful to me. His FIL will not apologize. I am very hurt and angry.
Also, I am so shocked by the public nature of it being in a restaurant--it's making me think perhaps I am the bad guy here. I don't know how to move forward. Currently, I am in survival mode and have completely isolated from my immediate family.

I personally think you were in the wrong. Unclench. And survival mode, over a phone at the table? FFS.

I think you were being a bit silly but the reaction of your in laws was awful and they had no right to tell you how to parent or to speak to you like that in a restaurant.
My H's family allowed phones/devices at the table from an ealy age but we didn't, however if we were all together and the cousins wanted to show my DC something I wouldn't have had an issue with it.
They do sound horrible though

Just apologise and move on.

I think you were wrong to make an issue of it at your sons birthday meal but the way your in laws spoke to you was unacceptable especially the cousin

I would never have dared speak to any of my aunts like that.

I think you were being needlessly fussy and joyless at a birthday meal. If your teenage son doesn’t have a phone, it sounds as if you have a fairly extreme phone policy, and I imagine your child’s cousin and grandparents think you’re a bit fascist about it. Most young teenagers have a phone.

What did FiL actually say? "Basically told me to shut up" is rather ambiguous. I'm sure if he'd actually said the words "shut up", you would have told us...

Could you have not bit your tongue this time? If it was just a regular meal then fair enough but to ruin a celebration wasn’t great

As others have said you do come across as quite uptight

You sound insufferable. And it was you giving orders to the cousin, not anyone giving orders to your son who didn’t even have the phone

I think you were being unreasonable. We can have rules at home, and we can have reasonable expectations of general polite behaviour when out, but enforcing your rules at the table when out with others who have different rules is just...well it makes the whole thing more about the fact that you have rules and want to be in charge, rather than about enjoying being out in each other's company, sharing an anecdote or a photo, etc. My daughter has from the age of about 3 been able to understand that there are sometimes different rules in different places and with different people. Why did it matter to you so much that you created an issue of it that led to everybody's evening being ruined?

In general, a bit of rational adaptation is a more comfortable and less angsty approach than Rules That Must Never Ever Be Broken.

You made an unnecessarily big deal over a minor issue and got called out for it. Compromise is key, would it have killed you to say finish looking then put the phone away and let's eat

Yabu if you dont let your teenager have their own phone, even before anything else. If your dc dont have phones themselves then why do you have a no phones at the table policy? Who does it actually apply to given the rest of your family clearly dont follow it -just you and your dh? How was your son even supposed to know it applied to him if neither he nor his siblings have ever had their own phone?

You can't impose your own policy on everyone else you are out with - and if ever there was a time to relax it it is when you are eating with a group, and even moreso to allow your son to see a quick meme or pic or whatever at his birthday dinner!

Why has your nephew "never said two words to you all his life?" Didn't you interact with him growing up?

No need to be in survival mode, just go about life normally.
You were ordering your teenager to follow a rule that has never applied to him before (no phones but he has never had a phone, so wouldn't know this rule) then complaining to your nephews mother about her son, and FIL asked for you to just let people enjoy their food, which seems fine.
Enjoy people's company, eat nice food.

You are being ridiculous. The OP told her own son not to use the phone at the table. The cousin then told her that he gave her son permission to use the phone. She explicitly said that the cousin could use his phone at the table if he wanted to, she was only applying the rule (which she and her husband agreed on) to her own son.

Which is just ridiculous, on his birthday, for potentially a couple of minutes looking at something. Who even carries on like that.

Edited. Saw it in the OP. Lol, very generous to allow the nephew to use his own phone 😄

How old was the cousin that thought it was acceptable to over rule an adult?

Sounds like an obnoxious twat - just like your FiL.

You sound very uptight and over the top. Your nephew was rude but your behaviour is so controlling and joyless that I’m not surprised someone has called you out

Thank you for all your input. I left out a lot of details and backstory because I really wanted to see this incident through a different perspective. I agree that I should have handled the complaint to nephew's mother a bit more tactfully. I guess I was so shocked that he had spoken to me and then, proceeded to give me orders on what I should do with my own son.
Also, no phones rule understood in our family. We don't answer the phone or use it during meals at home or in restaurants. As the food had just come out, I wanted my son to focus on that and the people around him. He had been on the phone prior to that with his cousin.
But thank you for different view points.

Complaining to someone about their child's behaviour is a waste of time, add in that the child is a teenager and it's in public and it's family. It was never going to end well. He was rude, but the way to handle it isn't to complain to his mother in front of everyone.

I think it was cruel to embarrass your son. You need to lighten up a bit.

'We don't answer the phone or use it during meals at home or in restaurants'

But your kids don't have phones so this is irrelevant to them?