Disagreement with in laws and moving forward

[shill4nuttn]

We went out to a restaurant to celebrate my young teen son's birthday. His cousin started sharing something on the phone just when the food came out. None of my kids own cell phones. We have a strict no phones at the table policy. I asked my son not to use the phone at the table. His older cousin said he was giving my son "permission" to use it and that I was being autocratic. I was so taken aback at this attack on me and so, I complained to his mom to rein him in. This kid has barely said two words to me all his life and he just orders me what I should do with my own son.
Now, my very vocal FIL joined in and basically told me to shut up and let everyone enjoy their meal, especially the birthday boy--who is my son. All the family present were relatives of my husband.
To clarify, I told the teen cousin he was free to do what he liked but my son was not allowed to use the phone at the table. Meanwhile. the rest of the meal was awkward and now, my husband and I have also fought over it because he didn't seem to think his father was overreacting and disrespectful to me. His FIL will not apologize. I am very hurt and angry.
Also, I am so shocked by the public nature of it being in a restaurant--it's making me think perhaps I am the bad guy here. I don't know how to move forward. Currently, I am in survival mode and have completely isolated from my immediate family.

Boundaries are boundaries!

Not a fan of phones at meals either..it is rude, and your nephew and FIL were rude. If you are still upset about it, tell both you won’t tolerate being spoken to like that…it was disrespectful and a challenge to your authority and judgment. . Their choice whether to apologise; your choice what you want to do after that. Mostly though, you are carrying around a lot of emotional hurt about this, and that is not great for you. I’m not sure, but maybe you have been steamrolled by family in the past, and then ridiculed when you protest. If the latter is true, that has to stop…that is no good.

Not really thinking it necessary to invoke MH problems as a cause of OP’s actions or decision not to let their teenagers have a phone, or because they are upset for being rudely treated. Some people are more emotionally sensitive. That doesn’t meant they are mentally ill.

However, speaking of MH, I might mention that there have been some studies that show increased social media usage/phone use can lead to poor mental health for adolescents, so much so, some secondary schools are banning phones. Phones also interfere with face to face interaction and community building in schools. I noticed huge upticks in MH problems and decreased attention span over the 30 years I taught university students, and whilst correlation may not necessarily be tied to causation, these issues seemed to start with increased mobile phone usage/social media. I told my students to turn them off during lectures and seminars so they would focus better. Performance was better when they weren’t looking at You Tube.

I don’t have a phone, just an Ipad without a SIM. My life is a lot more peaceful and I can focus on things much better without distractions, notifications, etc.
YMMV.

How old is your child? Seems a bit unnecessary to make a big deal out of the phone on a birthday meal. It sounds like you are talking to a 5 year old not a teenager. His response was clearly unacceptable though, as was your FIL's. So plenty of blame to go round I'd say.

I applaud you for the no phone at the table whilst eating habit. Much more civilised, especially in company.

But it seems this was an older teen just showing an interest in his younger cousin by showing him something he thought might be interesting to him at his birthday celebration.
There was no need to make the point about no phones as it wasn’t your son with the phone in the first place so it wasn’t really enforceable anyway.

Your nephew was out of order to respond to you the way he did. However I would have simply let it go on this occasion (and privately realised he is a bit arrogant and not very respectful)

Don’t stress over it any more OP. Have a bit of a break from them if you can and next time you see FIL or SIL, rise above it all and just stay smiley and polite. That’s all that is required. Never refer to the incident again. Put it behind you.
It’s just life the way it is these days. Makes you despair a bit but you can’t let it get you down.

This will invariably turn into another exercise in the interminable AIBU sport of 'kick the OP'. The responses were predictable.

Probably.

I suspect this isn't a one off incident but a pattern of behavior - I'm just surprised Op got to teen years and not learnt to politely convey - wind your neck in with IL or deal with young friends and family who are less polite than you'd expect.

Well, it is not nice falling out with the whole of your husband's side of the family and your husband not supporting you.

The cousin was at fault but the OP is being blamed.

just stay smiley and polite.

Why oh why is this always the advice given to women who have experienced others' rude, obnoxious behaviour? Why are they always the ones expected to take the high road and 'be nice?'

Stuff that. Maybe OP doesn't want to. And I wouldn't remotely blame her.

You were not wrong, OP. I would have reacted the same to a teenager I barely know making a public "autocratic" decision contradicting the no phones policy with my own teens at the table.

I have adult sons and we've never used phones or ipads at the table. For us, eating, at home or a public place, was/is for sharing a meal. There are enough hours during the day to be on the phone.

Your FIL was even more unreasonable, blaming you. He's an adult who should have stayed clear of interfering. Frankly, this is an example of why so many teens behaviour are becoming appalling.

Let the issue settle down with your DH and in a few days when the issue has calmed down, have a chat with him.

Phones also interfere with face to face interaction

The son and his cousin were interacting - one was sharing something he found funny or interesting with the other. That’s not looking at phones to the exclusion of interaction, that’s a phone facilitating the interaction.

If the son was glued to phone for the meal, yes, that would be inappropriate. But he was being shown something by his cousin who was also at the meal. This is normal behaviour.

A polite “save that for after the food, please” would have been fine. But when the cousin spoke up to say he had given his younger cousin permission to see it (wanting to get him out of trouble on his birthday) you got all officious with “cousin can do as he pleases with his phone but your son cannot.”

You clearly can’t take being challenged, OP, especially not by someone younger. You mishandled it. Apologise and move forward.

But crazy ones are why everyone is saying OP was controlling over something daft.

Maybe you did overreact but they were rude. Your FIL will never apologise and probably wants you to do so - and I see that a pp has suggested you should, but I really wouldn't. In fact I would just leave it now - see if they bring it up again and if so in what way. If they indicate they want an apology I would just grin and say well that's not going to happen. I don't think I could bring myself to be more than civil to them. My inlaws are long gone now, and I am divorced, but there were occasions when I excused myself from family gatherings on their side pleading work or headaches. I kind of rationed the time I had to spend with them.

This is not a hill to die on at a restaurant for a family event, seriously.
Your language is melodramatic and you caused the scene, you could just have let them get on with it, but you chose to make a scene you embarrassed your son, your husband and yourself.

You over-reacted. It was a birthday meal for your son - I imagine intended to be a bit of relaxed fun - and his cousin (who I'm guessing he doesn't often see?) was trying to interact with him when you stepped in.
Your reaction was very extreme and over-the-top. I personally wouldn't say it was the FIL who made it weird. It was you. Forget about the FIL, but I think you owe your son an apology.

I understand your no phones at the table rule. That's good. But I do think that sometimes one should relax a bit. It was your son's birthday, he was enjoying something on the phone with his cousin. I'd have just said "Hurry up boys, the food's arriving" then I'd have rolled my eyes if they continued. To actually make a complaint to the cousin's mother is over the top. They have their own rules, and it's not for you to interfere. The fact that your FIL then told you to calm down (or stop or whatever) implies that you were causing tension at the dinner table. To me, this is more rude than a few minutes on the phone.

How old us your son?
How old is your nephew?
Why do you have a no phones policy when they don’t even have a phone?
I think the fil was very rude and no way would I apologise to him.
In fact I’d avoid all interaction with him for now. Let your dh go alone if he wants to see him.
I wonder how happy the fil would have been to be overridden like that regarding boundaries he had set with his children.

Because socially it's a lot easier to then deliver a withing put down back - and not be call out or sometimes even noticed.

I found it worked best with MIL - she'd do some put down - I'd smile very politely tell her fuck off but with different words - she look upset everyone else carried on either because they could avoid getting involved or with some male family members didn't see it.

I spent first few years getting upset defensive or just calling it out and then being made to look like an oversensitive loon and often not having DH support - and getting blamed.

It a strategy in a game playing family that can work. For me meant mostly the behavior stopped and MIL wanted more often to be friends.

The OP could also have done a stern face at nephew and a freezingly polite tone - and a I don't think that's an appropriate way to talk to me - lets focus on the food shall we.

.Her mistake was to essentially criticized her nephews parents at a family meal - this giving opportunity for other family members like FIL to weigh in - of course she looks like the problem.

This.
I'm surprised that other posters are giving the OP a hard time. They have every right to enforce their rules with their own child and the cousin was extremely rude to make that comment and we know where that comes from- FIL!
Your DH should be backing you up on this.

Currently, I am in survival mode and have completely isolated from my immediate family.

Bloody hell. I hope your son has more resilience than you.

Interested to hear the ages of the DC involved.

Young teen? So at least 13 and not allowed a phone? You are isolating him from his peers and not teaching him anything about managing his time on a phone or how to behave online. At this age you can keep a close eye on what they do online and intervene if needed.

I think people are being a bit cruel here. The OP says her kids are not allowed phones, she doesn't say that she and her partner doesn't have phones and so the kids will presumably understand the "no phone at the table" rule.

Boundaries have been put in place by parents and the mother sought to re-enforce it. Its irrelevant what others think. Her nephew back chatted her and her inlaws not only allowed it, but the Fil compounded it. Her sister in law should have appreciated its not appropriate to back chat your aunt and pulled her son up on it. I would be very miffed at the lack of support from a fellow parent, if it were me. I would also be embarrassed at my son back chatting his Aunt. He has no right to give her son permission to over-ride the boundaries in force.

In private I would be seething if my husband did not support me, although for the sake of the day I wouldn't have made an issue about it in public.

The inlaws don't have to agree with the boundaries set by the OP, but they shouldn't undermine the OP or allow the nephew to backchat - its rude.

Having said that, I wouldn't throw my teddy out of the cot over it. I would however, talk to my husband about his lack of support - that is out of line. He either agrees and supports the boundary or he does not - the rule shouldn't change because you are with family.

I think you have been way over the top in your reaction to this, and it was you who ruined your son's birthday meal. It wasn't even as if your son was using his own phone! I see no reason for your father in law to apologise, but I think you should be reconsidering your attitude and stop being so incredibly uptight.

There are a fair few comments like this...Is it more usual in these households to have one rule for the adults and another for the kids? Therefore the children are oblivious of rules which do not apply to them because they don't have the item in question? Otherwise the 'we have a rule' is pretty simple to understand...the people who have a phone do not use it at the table, this communicates that when you have a phone there are certain times it isn't polite to use it, such as mealtimes. My children are 5 and 3, we have the same rule at home. Do they have phones? No. Do they know that we don't use phones at the table...yes!

I don't own a gun, I still know there are rules about owning them. My son doesn't have a driving licence, he understands the basics of how roundabouts work. Just because you don't have a phone doesn't mean you don't know that there's a rule in your household about when and where they are used.

If that's not the rule in your household (as evidently it isn't for the OP's nephew) then whatever, you do you. But it just doesn't seem to be a very complicated thing to fathom what that rule means to other families.

hear hear!

But unfortunately all these ships have already sailed. It's pointless saying in retrospect what OP could or couldn't have done. That moment has passed.

The issue she's asking for help with now is how to move on. That this doesn't have to be achieved by her 'being nice' does not mean creating silly, histrionic scenes - and it wasn't my advice that she should do so.

She can simply avoid him, and when she does have to see him be civil but distant. No need to bring the matter up again unless he does, in which case it would be necessary to put him politely but firmly in his place.