Disagreement with in laws and moving forward

[shill4nuttn]

We went out to a restaurant to celebrate my young teen son's birthday. His cousin started sharing something on the phone just when the food came out. None of my kids own cell phones. We have a strict no phones at the table policy. I asked my son not to use the phone at the table. His older cousin said he was giving my son "permission" to use it and that I was being autocratic. I was so taken aback at this attack on me and so, I complained to his mom to rein him in. This kid has barely said two words to me all his life and he just orders me what I should do with my own son.
Now, my very vocal FIL joined in and basically told me to shut up and let everyone enjoy their meal, especially the birthday boy--who is my son. All the family present were relatives of my husband.
To clarify, I told the teen cousin he was free to do what he liked but my son was not allowed to use the phone at the table. Meanwhile. the rest of the meal was awkward and now, my husband and I have also fought over it because he didn't seem to think his father was overreacting and disrespectful to me. His FIL will not apologize. I am very hurt and angry.
Also, I am so shocked by the public nature of it being in a restaurant--it's making me think perhaps I am the bad guy here. I don't know how to move forward. Currently, I am in survival mode and have completely isolated from my immediate family.

That. This cousin was a guest at his birthday meal. It would have been very rude for your son to have refused to look at something that the cousin wanted to show him. You were completely out of order to make things extremely awkward for them both (and for everyone present). This kind of rigidity is going to impact your relationship with him very negatively.

I'd be giving FIL a piece of my mind, too. It's crap that your husband is not supporting you, and that he thinks it's OK if his father speaks to you in a derogatory manner, especially when others are present.

I think based on your dramatic language and overly emotional responses you have probably exhausted your in-laws at this point. Even your husband is on their side but I suspect he doesn't have a lot to say at home.

It would be helpful to know if "FIL joined in and basically told me to shut up and let everyone enjoy their meal, especially the birthday boy--who is my son" means that he said "shut up and let people eat" or "can we please drop this now and get back to enjoying DGS's birthday meal"? There is a huge difference and when someone says "he basically said..." it usually means they have taken what someone said and turned it into something that makes their own reaction seem reasonable. Given that your DH doesn't think his dad said anything bad I suspect that might be the truth.

*ban

We have a no devices at the dinner table rule at home. The DCs take great delight in telling DH off.
If we are out, there is often a long wait before our main courses arrive and the DCs are allowed to use their phones, and then when the food arrives they go away. We went to a pub for a meal on Sat and my DM tutted over this but I just ignored her, both DCs put their phones away happily when the mains arrived and before pudding I said no, you won't be waiting long, and they both went out to the play area for a run around (they are 12 and 10 but DS has ADHD and ants in his pants).

I'm giving a soft YABU. I know you have a rule but it's hard to enforce that when you're in mixed company and other people have different boundaries. It's a bit harsh to mark your son out separately on his birthday when his cousin is showing him something.

The cousin has no right to say he's giving your son permission, that's true. But, the cousin calling you an autocrat, FIL weighing and you reacting with "survival" mode makes me think your known for being a bit uptight or precious.

On the other hand, you might be in survival mode because this is the latest in a long line of incidents where you're treated badly by your in-laws. This post is dripping with missing backstory.

It’s one thing having a no phones at tables rule when it is just your family, but you need to flex when you are with others l. Also, you need to tool your kids up for different scenarios ie: “sorry cousin, I’ll look once we have finished eating as we dont use phones at the table during meals”. Kids dont have the social skills to navigate all of that so you are putting them in tricky/embarrassing situations.

And when the cousin asked OPs son to look at the phone, the son should have mentioned the no phone at the table rule for him, to his cousin and then none of this would have happened. But kids push boundaries and parents have to re-enforce them, which is what she attempted to do without any support!

So what if the rule is no swearing....are people saying he can swear on his birthday as its his special day???

She is the parent and she should be supported on her reasonable boundaries, we don't have to agree with the boundary but it is reasonable to support her.

he thinks it's OK if his father speaks to you in a derogatory manner

There's no reason to think the FIL spoke in a derogatory language.

The hyperbolic OP who's "in survival mode" said FIL "basically told her to shup up and let everyone - including DS - enjoy the meal."

Basically is doing a lot of heavy lifting. Basically means the OP is paraphrasing - if he actually said Shut Up you can bet OP would have mentioned it. He told her to stop going on about it and to let the poor kid enjoy his meal.

The OP was incredibly rude - she reprimanded her 13 or 14 year old son publicly at his own birthday celebration. He's a teen, on a 4 year old.

She got into it with the older cousin who defended the birthday boy by saying it was his phone and he gave DS permission. She then had a go at her SIL for not "reining in her son" (again, this is not a preschooler, this is a young man she had a go at in front of their shared family). Criticising the parenting of a guest at a birthday dinner is far, far ruder than an older teen answering back.

DS must have being dying of embarrassment at this point.

Then her FIL told her to drop it after she's criticised two of his grandsons and his daughter (or DIL). The mood of the meal is ruining and she goes home to pick a fight with her husband.

OP needs to learn some manners and that she isn't the Queen of Everyone.

I think it depends how old the children are - but unfortunately its a generational thing, everything is on their phones, from a relatively early age too

I would have told my son to put his phone away when the meal came out, they are told to put their phones away of we are all eating at the table at home because it's rude and they don't pay attention to what they are eating or engage in conversation if they are staring at a screen - and it's good manners

@PrettyPickle , as an adult, I never have my phone out during a meal. But a few days ago while having lunch out with friends, my friend offered me his phone to show a photo of an activity he'd been telling me about.

Was I supposed to say ' I don't approve of phones at the table, can you put it away please'? Of course not. That would be hugely rude and and embarrassing for him. Your son was being polite by glancing at what his cousin wanted to show him. So you took up the rudeness baton by butting in with your rule, but complained that the others were then rude to you.

What a complete mess. You need to think about what you're aiming for with your rule @shill4nuttn . If it's about politeness at the table, your behaviour was actually extremely impolite.

That objection would never have held any truck with my mum! Just because 'everyone else' was doing something meant no reason why the rules had to change for me. And I also knew it was pointless arguing: that when she said 'no', 'no' was precisely what she meant.

Aside from this, when school kids say 'but so-and-so's Mum lets them do "blah" ...' or that everyone has item "bleurgh" therefore so should I', 'everyone' in reality means a handful of children. It's very rarely everyone.

It seems that too many kids these days are completely unused to hearing the word 'no'. And I can't say I've noticed any corresponding improvement in general behaviour.

97% of teenagers have phones so not just a small handful. The son probably already feels quite embarrassed about not having a phone.
In this scenario I feel sorry for the son who was embarrassed at his birthday meal. Kids usually look up to their older cousins and to be told off for simply enjoying a moment with his cousin is rather sad. OK, the family have a rule but can it not be relaxed for a few minutes on his birthday? It wasn't like he was looking at his own phone.
As for the FIL, maybe he should have kept out of it but maybe he saw his grandson getting upset at his birthday meal and wanted to speak out.

You essentially ruined your son's birthday gathering, you could have let it go just this once.

No she wasn't and she has every right to insist her son does not use a phone at the dining table. You may disagree but I'm that doesn't justify being so rude or FIL telling her to shut up in front of everyone. No justification at all.

Don't get me wrong I am a bit more relaxed than she is but I would never react that way to someone's parenting choices which is the issue here. The issue isn't her stance on the phone's but the reaction.

It also depends on what FIL actually said because she said "basically" told her to shut up.

I think it was your FIL who was put of line in all this but where was your other half? Why didn't he manage the situation? He should've at least put his father straight about undermining you.

I expect he and Fil just wanted to close it down. The entire table must have been beyond embarrassed.

Ok that was an overreaction from you, and not very nice to have embarrassed your teenage son. You probably realise it by now so don't beat yourself up about it, just forget the whole incident, maybe a quick apology to your teen son will do, and.let.watzr run under the bridge with your in laws. Everything will be forgotten quickly!

We haven't been told OP's son doesn't have a phone. Just that their family has a rule of no phones at the table.

OP's handling of this situation was not ideal, particularly in terms of involving the other boy's mother, but I'm not in the habit of engaging in the time-honoured AIBU passtime of 'kick the OP'. She was too draconian and her behaviour wasn't ideal, but the subsequent actions of others put hers in the shade.

It's not fine for a cocky teenage nephew to make that very rude observation about her, or give his cousin 'permission' straight over her head. Sitting in silence and tolerating that sort of rudeness should not be an expectation.

And FiL was far out of line. He had no business in undermining her parental authority in that way. It's one thing telling off a recalcitrant kid, but quite another to rebuke an adult as though she were a child.

OP would be quite within her rights to remove herself at a further distance from him, IMO. I'd also be very disappointed in DH's lack of support.

As my (sometimes also rude) old granny might once have said, 'there's a difference between farting and tearing your arse'. It's a difference quite a few members of this family don't seem to comprehend.

My opinion stands. If someone was making a massive deal about a kid looking at something on a phone, I'd feel highly embarrassed for them and sorry for the child. The family maybe know what OP is like and shut it down.

To clarify, generally the point was teenagers (and adults) can get so bound up in their phones, that they aren’t talking to each other as much as they could.

i think the bak story would be relevant here if the family always talk bak to you

i would never have spoken to an aunt like that-it woulnt have hurt to let hhim lok at something for a minute though

I can understand the relevance so that if it ever did apply to me though I would know how to behave. No? We had friends over recently who got a phone out to show my 5 year old something and he said (I'm paraphrasing ) 'Could I see after? We don't use phones at the table'. So maybe my experience is skewing my viewpoint.

FiL was far out of line. He had no business in undermining her parental authority in that way. It's one thing telling off a recalcitrant kid, but quite another to rebuke an adult as though she were a child.

@SerafinasGoose - the way the OP had already done to his adult daughter? After already rebuking her child and her nephew (that she says she barely knows)? To riff on your name, isn't that sauce for the gander?

I think DH's side of the family have a very clear impression of what the OP is like.

Your rules in your own house, and I think it's a good rule generally, but to be a bit more lenient when in mixed company who may have different and equally valid views on such things.