Disagreement with in laws and moving forward

[shill4nuttn]

We went out to a restaurant to celebrate my young teen son's birthday. His cousin started sharing something on the phone just when the food came out. None of my kids own cell phones. We have a strict no phones at the table policy. I asked my son not to use the phone at the table. His older cousin said he was giving my son "permission" to use it and that I was being autocratic. I was so taken aback at this attack on me and so, I complained to his mom to rein him in. This kid has barely said two words to me all his life and he just orders me what I should do with my own son.
Now, my very vocal FIL joined in and basically told me to shut up and let everyone enjoy their meal, especially the birthday boy--who is my son. All the family present were relatives of my husband.
To clarify, I told the teen cousin he was free to do what he liked but my son was not allowed to use the phone at the table. Meanwhile. the rest of the meal was awkward and now, my husband and I have also fought over it because he didn't seem to think his father was overreacting and disrespectful to me. His FIL will not apologize. I am very hurt and angry.
Also, I am so shocked by the public nature of it being in a restaurant--it's making me think perhaps I am the bad guy here. I don't know how to move forward. Currently, I am in survival mode and have completely isolated from my immediate family.

I think you could have handled it a bit better. Even with a very brief ‘foods here’ you could have made your intentions known without being too bossy. You’re also always going to need to modify rules etc when with a mixed group outside of your immediate family as people will do things differently.

i think the nephew was being rude but I also find it weird so don’t seem to have the relationship where you could give him an eyebrow and say stop being lippy rather than escalate to his mum. If it was all kicking off then I don’t think your fil was unreasonable to tell you to pipe down and let it go.

She said none of her kids have phones so we do know. As for the FIL, it's hard to know if he was out of order. Perhaps he was, or perhaps he saw his grandson looking upset and an argument about to erupt. The mother of the cousin had just been told to rein her son in, by OP. We don't know if this was said in a reasonable way or rudely. Unless we were there it's impossible to know how unreasonable the FIL was and what tone of voice he and OP were using.

We have a no phones when out in restaurants rule but it's not hard and fast, and when in the company of others, we do what they are doing to make everyone feel more comfortable. I don't start on table manners, or phones, or anything if we are out with a family group, that would be very rude and also childish towards the birthday boy as well, who must have been mortified.

I think you have to accept that there's a time for flexibility and out with even a young teen boy, in front of family, would have been the time for this.

If the cousin was an older one (older than your young teen) he was probably very surprised to having his mum brought in to 'discipline' him, you could have just addressed him directly.

FIL was probably trying to get everyone to stop arguing and celebrate the birthday.

It's done now, time to move on, you do need to think about why you are parenting your teen though like a younger child, and in public in front of others.

You handled this badly.

it was your son’s birthday and his older cooler cousin showed him something on a phone! You overreacted and embarrassed him! Then told on the 15? Year old.

its fine to have a no phones at the table rule on the house but you sound extremely controlling. This was HIS birthday party.

i think you need to relax before you damage your relationship with this kid long term. If you are this uptight over a phone you have a world of pain coming in the teen years.

your nephew sounds awesome😎

It was a one off for your son. Id of let it slide to not cause a problem in that situation

Hmm, there's a lot to this one. It's tough by the nature that it was in public and your sons birthday, kinda both leans towards being slightly more lenient, however at the end of the day you tried to uphold the boundary and then everything that happened after wasn't great.

• You tried to uphold a rule/boundary you have with your child...YANBU
• However it was in public and on his birthday, and upholding the boundary kinda inadvertently meant disciplining/admonishing the nephews behaviour...so whilst I hate that this...society would say YABU.
• You then openly criticised another parent by asking them to intervene with the nephew...YABU
• You experienced various family members openly undermining you whilst you expressed that boundary...tough without being there and experiencing the tone etc whether or not maybe they thought you were being overly rude but honestly anyone getting further involved and not just smoothing it over/moving on feels antagonistic so YANBU
• Your husband isn't backing you up on something which is a rule for your household...again tough given that we don't know if you were maybe very rude to his whole family, but really if the rule for you guys is phones away when the food comes out then on that bit at least he should have your back and YANBU.

So yeah on balance, wouldn't have taken on the SIL right there at the table personally but equally tough to not look like a total pushover in front of the kids. I don't think YABU.

A fine, balanced post. Makes a refreshing change.

ha, thanks!! I do try 😂

If my teen DNephew had spoken to me like that I'd have handed him his arse on a plate!

But complaining to his mother at the table and
Currently, I am in survival mode and have completely isolated from my immediate family.
seems very drama llama. So YABU.

@SerafinasGoose

Kudos to you. I think in 20 years' time people will look back at the way our society encouraged uncontrolled access to the internet for young people with utter horror.

• You then openly criticised another parent by asking them to intervene with the nephew...YABU

Some people think they are the only one who should discipline their child. I thought OP was trying to avoid disciplining someone else’s child in their presence, which could be seen as disrespectful. I think she should have tackled the rude little shit myself, but I’m from a different culture and can’t stand rude children.

Nothing to apologise for, has the odious older cousin apologised as he was the one who caused the problem?

No, the obnoxious cousin caused the problem, if a child speaks like that to his Aunt then I would expect the parents to step in. You'll know in future who to avoid at family events.

Sorry - I meant a change from the usual one-sided views we've come to expect on AIBU threads! Not you as a poster personally 😳

I think you could have let this one slide. I totally get the lack of phones at mealtimes - but not in this situation.

Probably a little bit humiliating for your son in front of his older cousin, especially on his birthday. Maybe start with a chat with him, with an apology.

As for the family, I hope you can all get over it soon. It's a pretty small thing in the grand scheme of things.

Thank you. These dilemmas do sometimes seem so difficult as a parent, but this seems to me one of the usual benefits versus risks assessments we all have to employ in many areas of life. To me, the former far outweigh the latter and particularly in cases where kids are known to be vulnerable.

More than anything, it's the tragic case of Brianna Ghey that put the fear of the gods into me as a mum. The content that her fifteen-year-old killers were viewing, the IT experts who commented on the case about how they were able to access such material, the dangers of putting risky content of yourself out online for a public audience, the implications of having a TOR browser on their device, clearly brought those risks into stark perspective. It was horrifying.

In my house it's a clear case of 'parents say no', and DH is very much of a mind with me on this. He (DC) is not having one of these things until he's a good deal older, and I don't care in the least what 'other parents' do.

PFB? Absolutely. I own it.

Well not really, he probably couldn't believe his ears that someone was allowed to look at something on his phone.

What a depressing birthday 'celebrating' this must have been for your son OP.

Would have been decent entertainment for neighbouring tables though

What for?

The kid needs dealing with - very very rude

And FiL needs to mind his own business

For being daft about a child looking at something on a phone, it's very controlling.

And if their parents don't see the need, then they don't.

Are you seeing all the evidence about how bad they are for them?

People parent how they want to.

The nephew isn't the only rude one...

I wonder how all these 'pro' phone posters (who seem to be unnecessarily aggressive about phone use) would take to being told how to parent their children if it was about something else other than phones...

My 16 yo dd has not viewed any sort of inappropriate material on her phone. How do I know? I look.

Disallowing teens from having phones is isolating them from their peers, which can have an equally poor effect on their mental health.

Idk how old the teen nephew is. My gut would think he’s an adult or near as damn. I think you may be in for a rude awakening as your ds gets older. As teens get older, parenting is increasingly by consent.