For not saying good night?

[safeatd]

My boyfriend lives with a female room mate. Shes alright, we’re not friends though but will chat if we’re in the same room.

Tonight me and my boyfriend have been out, I’ve come in tired, gone straight to the bedroom and in to bed. He has gone in the living room to say hi to her and her friend.

Thye live in an apartment, the bathroom and his bedroom are the first rooms so I’ve not walked by or through a room and ignored them. But apparently my boyfriend is annoyed because I look rude and she’s also commented that I’m rude.

I

I think I was just defensive as I was irritated when I first posted and unfortunately it set the tone of the thread.

If she’d gone to him with a list of things I’d done that she felt was rude then fine. But I think to complain I’m rude over this is just too much - as it’s not personally done to upset her and it hasn’t impacted her (whereas if I used her things, hogged the shower, left my stuff lying around would and rightly she should approach my boyfriend or me over this):

I think expecting people to be perfect and act the exact way you expect is unrealistic:

I'm astonished just under half the people would expect a flatmate's boyfriend to walk into the living room and say I just came to tell you I'm here tonight and going to bed. Surely you'd think er ok and why are you announcing that to me?

It’s exactly the same thing - person who lives there, their actual home, which is not your home. It doesn’t matter if it is a rental flat or a mortgaged house.

A parent and a house mate are owed the same level of basic manners.

If you are in her home, you pop your head around the door and say good night. You don’t slope off upstairs without a word.

You don’t have to “seek her out”, for goodness’s sake, she’s right there in the living room. You aren’t required to knock on doors looking for her. You aren’t supposed to disturb her in the bathroom or her bedroom. But if she is awake and in their shared living space, the bare minimum of manners would be to say good night.

Assuming you're not generally a rude person, I'm not sure why either of them care tbh I wouldn't. I could understand if you had a frosty relationship with the flatmate then it may be seen as being rude, but your boyfriend could have just told her you were really tired and gone straight to bed instead of making something out of nothing.

Spider, you do get that the housemate isn’t OP’s boyfriend’s mother right?

Irrelevant. She is OP’s boyfriend’s housemate. She is not OP’s friend. She is not OP’s mother in law. The housemate has her own boyfriend stay 5+ nights each week.

So there is no need for OP to check in and say good night to her.

It’s ridiculous isn’t it?

This is standard mentality of the pack mentality in MN. People pile on to an OP who is not rude and then goad her into answering back. And then when she does, everyone ignores that they piled on to her and accuse OP of being rude.

It really is a cesspit.

I do. It’s his housemate. His housemate is deserving of as much respect in her home as I am in mine.

Her age and her rental or owning status don’t affect that.

Some random woman dossing in her home does owe her some basic manners. And OP’s boyfriend agrees - the OP was rude.

If someone tells me to "unclench" it usually confirms me in my feeling that I'm right! It's not "extremely rude"- it would just be better and more sociable to stick your head round the door and say "I'm off to bed-goodnight!"

Exactly the same thing 😂😂

So a house mate is an equivalent to an immediate family member….And two separate adults paying a landlord is the same as a child/young adult living in a parents house …

I also didn’t “slope upstairs” because it’s a flat … and that would mean I’d gone into a strangers home and I’d have probably had to wish upstairs stranger a good night too

In fact I’ve text my house mate and told her that her boyfriend needs to respect my space and he’s not allowed to go to bed until he’s wished me a good night proving I’m in certain areas of the house.

Kitchen, living room, garden spare bedroom/office is the “good night zones” and if I’m in my bedroom or a bathroom it’s the “no good night zones”

@safeatd It always puzzles me when people
ask for opinions on something-despite the being absolutely sure they are right! It must be incredibly frustrating to discover that not everyone agrees with you!

Yes and you’re probably right.

But you expect people to ALWAYS be 100% polite and social in your every interaction with them? That if they did one thing you considered rude that you’d probably let it go … because people get tired, they have bad days, they get stressed. That the rudeness isn’t about you and they are purposely doing it.

Like I’ve said if I’d done a few rude or ungracious things that impacted her living space then I’d be happy for her to approach me ot my boyfriend over it. But one instance and I’m now rude is unfair.

Exactly. Posters can say what they want, someone answers them back then wow run for cover.

Dossing in her house 😂

Well she equally has a random man dossing in the house. Or does he not count?

Or is it just women dating that are “dossers” if they sleep at a patterns house?

Yeah, rude and your responses on here suggest its not an isolated incident.

Classic example of what the last page has been talking about.

It actually is an isolated incident. Because she definitely would have said. And I’ve clarified with them both as he’s added me to a new WhatsApp group for the three of us and her boyfriend:

Good Lord though, bring back flogging. Heaven forbid a tired woman goes to bed without checking in on pissed woman (equivalent of a mother) in the living room.

Well she equally has a random man dossing in the house. Or does he not count?

He counts if he is staying over and is rude to her housemate (your boyfriend). But he has not been accused of being rude and you have.

So a house mate is an equivalent to an immediate family member

How he is related to her is irrelevant. She is at home; someone who isn’t part of her household is staying in her home; they owe her basic manners. Your own house mate’s guests owe the same to you.

I don’t know why you think only older people or home owners deserve courtesy.

Yes that is what I’ve said - only older people deserve courtesy, I said that verbatim. And room mate and mum are interchangeable.

And yes we should spit on renters, because eww scum. Or maybe if you own or rent a house on your own where all expenses are being paid for by you then you have more of a right to know who’s physically in your house - as opposed to two adults living their separate lives under one room with equal shared financial responsibility for the property and each allows guests to stay.

And my boyfriend is also the father of the room mate and father in law to her boyfriend. And if he doesn’t wish dearest daddy in law goodnight then the father will tell room mate daughter that she must break up with him.

You’re definitely going to be one of those mother in laws … the son will be spending every Christmas with her family.

I cant believe this tread is still going, OP you do sound like hard work. Perhaps the housemate recognises this trait and does find you particularly impolite and recognising this "Red Flag" in you. The Housemate may be a complete tool but if your partner is asking you to be kind to keep the peace for his sake then surely if you did actually care about him you would respect that.

Yes yes classic MN tropes of “you sound like hard work”, “you sound angry” etc

It’s no longer an issue and I won’t be staying over anymore.

Absolutely, if thats what you want to do thats your perogative. Just be careful to not chop your nose of to spite your face.

Everything on this post sounds very dramatic. You are a guest in her home so you acknowledge her when you come in, you don't have to bow down, or knock on everyone's door, that's just silly. It sounds as though she might have been waiting for an excuse to create an issue.

Me and my housemate have been laughing so much at these replies. Her and her boyfriend have come in my room twice now to tell me goodnight.

My ex has now left a teary voicemail on my phone asking for a second chance. I’m very content to just be snuggled in my own bed. Perhaps I should call my landlady and wish her goodnight? I am in her house.

@safeatd I’m glad you are coping.