For not saying good night?

[safeatd]

My boyfriend lives with a female room mate. Shes alright, we’re not friends though but will chat if we’re in the same room.

Tonight me and my boyfriend have been out, I’ve come in tired, gone straight to the bedroom and in to bed. He has gone in the living room to say hi to her and her friend.

Thye live in an apartment, the bathroom and his bedroom are the first rooms so I’ve not walked by or through a room and ignored them. But apparently my boyfriend is annoyed because I look rude and she’s also commented that I’m rude.

I

Are you for real?

@safeatd "Well why’s that of course not? I’m a guest in their house so it’s rude apparently to not seek out everyone who is awake to go and wish them a good night. "

Nobody said that. She was in the living room. Head round the door-"I'm off to bed now-good night" is good manners.

The real issue seems to be that within the dynamics of your boyfriend's home, you behaved in a way that both he and his flat mate felt was rude.

Personally, I'd be polite and say a quick hi and bye because I wouldn't want my partner to feel unhappy in his own home. But if this isn't for you, perhaps he's not the right one for you long term.

Op, the way you write sounds quite rude and aggressive so purely extrapolating from that I can imagine why other people might call you rude.

Maybe it's just the way you write though and you are very pleasant in person. If that is the case then not going explicitly into a different room to say good night is ok, I think. It wouldn't bother me. However, now that your boyfriend and his house mate have said they want you to say good night you probably should because it doesn't cost you much. I don't think you could have been expected to know that by default.

I'm guessing your boyfriend mentioned it and you got defensive and aggressive and it spiralled from there with both of them now calling you rude for being so opposed to the notion of doing something minor for someone else rather than the initial event (which i agree is a non event).

Yeah I will do ☺️

All of this. But you don't want to hear it, so I don't know why you posted.

So you’d have no issue with your partner reprimanding you in front of your friends and family and his?

As a grown adult (see we can both be passive aggressive) I would expect it done in private because firstly it creates a really awkward atmosphere for the people witnessing it and secondly I’m not “an arse” intentionally so finding an appropriate time where you can both discuss an issue properly is more preferred.

Like Jesus in my situation it sounds like you’d want my boyfriend to make me get out of bed to be told in front his room mate and friend “you’re an arse” and for me to grovel an apology to them both and thank him for his wisdom.

It’s her home. It’s not just basic politeness, it’s letting her know you’re there, being nice, making sure she knows that you respect her space etc. How much effort would it have taken to just pop in for 2 mins and say “hi, did you have a good weekend, that sounds great, yes we had fun but I’m knackered and got a busy day tomorrow so I’m going to have an early night, see you tomorrow”. Not doing this makes you look very rude, not just to her but also your boyfriend. Not classy at all.

It’s her home. It’s not just basic politeness, it’s letting her know you’re there

Exactly.

They both thought you were rude. It’s very minor, but you know what to do in future. If you really enjoy drama, double down.

Why did you post when you aren't taking on board other opinions? What were you hoping to achieve given you are totally intransigent?

'Hello, I've come to say goodbye. Goodbye.'

Can't imagine anyone caring about their flatmate's partner saying goodnight to them after a late night out, but apparently people do. So there we go.

If some people unclenched a little and stopped going through life looking to be offended by things or find things to complain about, they'd probably be a bit happier.

I’m not posting anymore after this. Respecting her space is the most absolute twatish thing I’ve read - all because I went to bed after being out that’s being disrespectful of her space? Good god.

When you live with someone or multiple people then shit happens. They will always do stuff that really or just slightly irritates you. If you’re going to be so precious about demanding someone wishes you a good night then a house share isn’t for you.

I’d never slag anyone’s partner off to them for something so minor.

And I've told him I'm no longer staying over and he’s blowing up my phone apologising and telling me he’ll make it up to me. So problem solved, no longer disrespecting her place because I won’t be in it.

At that time of night it's not weird to go straight to bed. She's not his mum where you need to go and make a deliberate show of being polite! Is he worried she'll think you're rude and is treading on egg shells around her, or is he just being critical of you? For the record, I also think saying hello would be fine (not over the top to just pop in), its just not required.

I'm OK with being slow. Just as you're OK with being rude. To everyone it seems.

Based on this message I suspect there is more to this than not saying goodnight. You are talking to a bunch of strangers and you are already getting peoples’ backs up.

You were extremely rude; that's her home. The absolute basics of respect would be to say good night to her if she's in a shared space like the living room.

If your were the girlfriend of my son and you went straight to his room without saying goodnight I'd tell him he could do better, and hope he found someone with a vague grasp of manners.

If you’re going to be so precious about demanding someone wishes you a good night then a house share isn’t for you.

As both your boyfriend and the person he house shares with think you were rude not to say "good night" they seem eminently suited.

@DadJoke

If you really enjoy drama, double down.

Never a truer word said!

I was initially on the fence about whether your behaviour was rude or not, but now that I can see that you have been rude multiple times on this thread it seems quite likely that you tend to be rude in person.

You're not going to get a definitive answer here. Everyone's going to view it differently which is clear from the responses.

Instead of being openly hostile to the people who have a different view, maybe you should stop and consider the fact that people do things differently and, when you share space with people, you need to be a bit flexible.

You're also making ridiculous comparisons between knocking bedroom doors to say goodnight to people. There's a big difference between popping your head into the communal space to say "hey guys, I'm shattered so I'm off to bed, have a good night" and knocking on doors of people who are clearly away in their private space.

It all depends on the vibe of the household. If they're a household who tend to pop their head in and say hello and goodnight then that's obviously what they consider to be the done thing. You're the guest so I'd go along with it. You don't have to sit down and have a heart to heart. You're in their space, have respect for their dynamic, even if it isn't your own. On the other hand, when your BF is a guest in your house, same applies. Whatever the done thing is. You're not being asked to participate in a blood sacrifice.

You're free to say no but they're also free to think you're a "hostile bitch" as you put it. I'm not gonna lie, the tone of some of your responses make me think you can some off as a bit hostile.

@safeatd I'm honestly so confused that you're getting a hard time, your boyfriend saying hi is one thing but I think it would be incredibly unnecessary for you to need to do the same with someone you're not friends with, different if it was his family member but they're flatmates which in some cases means they lead completely separate lives! Your comparison about your flatmate's boyfriend coming to tell you good night was spot on, that would be very weird 😂 you weren't rude at all, don't give it another thought!

But she is staying over 2 -3 nights a week so flatmate unlikely to be a stranger

So you’ve switched out a housemate for a mum and a person owning the entire house as opposed to shared ownership/renting of two adults. Not really the same thing js it.

Maybe tonight if my house mates boyfriend doesn’t come and seek me out to say goodnight I’ll go and advise her to “find someone better”. Then hopefully they will break up.

And regardless of what everyone has said on here I’d like to think most people wouldn't say it’s “extremely” rude.