For not saying good night?

[safeatd]

My boyfriend lives with a female room mate. Shes alright, we’re not friends though but will chat if we’re in the same room.

Tonight me and my boyfriend have been out, I’ve come in tired, gone straight to the bedroom and in to bed. He has gone in the living room to say hi to her and her friend.

Thye live in an apartment, the bathroom and his bedroom are the first rooms so I’ve not walked by or through a room and ignored them. But apparently my boyfriend is annoyed because I look rude and she’s also commented that I’m rude.

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There may be something to be said in favour of people knowing who is staying in their flat.

But- manners shmanners! I cannot see any obligation to burst into the living room shouting "Hallo!," waving and kissing everybody goodnight.

Expecting your bf to always side with you even when he thinks you're in the wrong is red flag behaviour. There is nothing red flag about him.

It wouldn’t have hurt to say hi - she was in a shared space! At least then if she was saying she found you rude, your boyfriend wouldn’t find it so easy to agree with her.

How am I treating it as my own exactly?

If it was a one off that I was staying with a host then of course I’d acknowledge them. But staying there 2-3 nights, I’m not going out of my way to go seek her out to be externally grateful she allows me to stay.

As mentioned her boyfriend is there at least 5 nights and he doesn’t seek my boyfriend out to tuck him into bed and read him a goodnight story.

If there’s an issue with people staying then that’s between them two and for them to discuss and set rules. And I will happily stick to them.

As long as I respect the place, don’t leave it messy and I’m polite to everyone in the house. I really don’t believe I owe anyone anything more.

I don’t expect anyone to always take my side. But a partner should have your back.

if the roles were reversed I would have apologised to room mate that she felt this way and asked what she expects from people staying over to avoid it in future.

I wouldn’t slag off my partner in front of people. I’d discuss any issues in private.

Yeah I agree. Whoever’s house it is deserves to know who staying over. I suppose I just assumed in this situation my boyfriend would have said.

You were rude to the flatmate and you’re rude to posters on here so 🤦🏻‍♀️

Because it’s mostly 2 nights. As the commute from his to work is horrible.

But no I’ve not sat there and done a tally of how many nights and weeks I’ve stayed over where it’s been 3 nights rather than 2. But there are occasional weeks where I’ll be there a third night.

But to say several would imply a minimum of 3, which regularly it isn’t. I’d be very conscious of staying at a shared house any more than this as it’s too much when not financially contributing.

Maybe you need to look up the word room mate. But here’s the definition:

a person occupying the same flat or house as another.

I went to international schools growing up so yes some words I use aren’t typically British but somehow most people can grasp what I’m saying - sorry you’re unable to.

At what point did I see her?

Or it was 1am and I was asleep maybe?

Did you hurt yourself with that jump?

When I say civil I mean I like her and I’m happy to chat and hang out watching a tv show, we just don’t socialise outside of that and I wouldn’t classify her as a friend - and I’m sure she wouldn’t me.

No one is made to feel uncomfortable. Shes not made me feel like that and I don’t think I’ve made her feel like that as she wouldn’t have an issue saying if I had.

Why do you assume my boyfriend gets on with her “very well”, why the very? I’ve written nothing about their relationship for you to form that conclusion.

Point is I do like her, I see her as an acquaintance, I didn’t come in and think I’m going to do something to annoy her. I said to my boyfriend I’m really tired so I’m just going to get ready for bed. I didn’t feel the need to interrupt her evening with her friend to alert her to this fact.

Nothing was done with intentional malice. And I think as a one off she didn’t need to moan that I was rude, if it was a repeat offence then happily tell me what is expected from me when staying over that I’m not providing.

I would appreciate my DP telling me if I was being an arse.

Maybe when you’re tired and had work and exam stress you are just going to be like “I want to go to bed”. I had a nice busy weekend and last week with work and two exams drained me.

Human beings aren’t polite 100% of the time, So I think when sharing a home with others who will have guests over then there’s always going to be instances you can find that are rude. Unless it was something that was really impacting me I wouldn’t go and tell my housemate her boyfriend is rude for not saying goodnight to me. I’d say he’s rude if he ate my food, cooked and left all the dirty washing, left the front door unlocked etc

I’ve read and seen plenty of nightmare house sharing stories that you should pick your battles and someone not going out of their way to wish you a good night isn’t one of them.

In front of someone else or in private?

I wouldn't have thought it rude at all. As it was late, I would have assumed you'd gone to get ready for bed. Don't worry about it. Next time, go and see her and say hi, then go to bed. So you look like you're making an effort.

I'm a grown up. On the spot.

The boyfriend isn’t irritated because there is no expectation on men to do this simpering hello act at 11pm! This kind of expectation is reserved for women.

Why does a woman going into a bedroom at 11pm at night cause friction?

But OP wasn’t in the shared space. Of course if she’d gone into the living room, she would have said hello. But she was going into the bedroom, she had no need to go into the living room.

You would be happy with your partner calling you an arse in front of other people?

Who has she been rude to?

No not if they were in their own rooms but you said your BF went into the living room to say goodnight - so not unreasonable that you would pop your head around the door as well to say good night.

He went in to say hi to his housemate and her friend, who he presumably knows and OP doesn’t.

This doesn’t mean that OP needs to go in as well, she is not an extension of her boyfriend.

I think as long as you didn’t see her in person as you were passing thru then it’s all good. If you had to physically pass by her then it would’ve been rude.

Sooner the better. Things have a tendency to escalate if left.