For not saying good night?

[safeatd]

My boyfriend lives with a female room mate. Shes alright, we’re not friends though but will chat if we’re in the same room.

Tonight me and my boyfriend have been out, I’ve come in tired, gone straight to the bedroom and in to bed. He has gone in the living room to say hi to her and her friend.

Thye live in an apartment, the bathroom and his bedroom are the first rooms so I’ve not walked by or through a room and ignored them. But apparently my boyfriend is annoyed because I look rude and she’s also commented that I’m rude.

I

It wouldn't really have been putting yourself out much to say goodnight, hardly bending over backwards. Nobody is suggesting you needed to spend half an hour making small talk. I also don't know why you say you don't spend 'several' nights a week there and then say it's 2 or 3 times - that is several.

theyre not family you’re just flat sharing. I think it was rude of her to want your boyfriend to go into the communal space at night to speak to or say goodnight to her. I think there comes a time earlier on where you would go and be by yourselves.

I think this depends on what sort of a sharing arrangement they have. If it’s minimal engagement and they are just civil to each other, then going in to say Hi would be a bit odd. But if they are really good friends, look out for each other and socialise together a lot, then it’s more like it might be if he were living with family and the more you stay over/the closer you get to him, the more effort you should be putting into engaging with her.

But either way he shouldn't be annoyed at you. How are you supposed to know their expectations?

I don’t spend several nights a week there. Why have you made that assumption? That’s a really odd thing to do.
I spend 2-3......

🤔 😂

Me too. It doesn't take much OP. Just a quick hi.

Yes you are there to see him, but just an acknowledgement of others in the communal area. No-one would expect you to knock on bedroom doors for example.

OP, you are being so weird. Obviously nobody is suggesting you have to seek everyone out and wish them a good night. But how were you raised that you don’t understand it’s bloody rude not to greet someone who you can see and hear, when you come into their house?

Your OTT hostility and defensiveness in these replies suggests it’s not just this one incident that makes people think you’re rude.

You make them all feel uncomfortable by not getting on with his female flatmate who your boyfriend clearly gets in with very well

You're only civil to her so it's clearly awkward AF when you stay over

Point is you don't like his flatmate enough to even pop your head round the door with a hello

Clearly your BF and his flatmate get on well enough to discuss your rudeness

Your relationship is on shaky ground

Is your boyfriend sharing a bedroom with this girl?
If not, she is his flatmate or housemate, not "room mate".

MN made this space just for you!

Why do you need to speak to them. You are going to bed?

Different if you were her guest and you ignored her.

But you are there with your boyfriend it's his house too.

I think she must have commented for him to say something.

I wouldn't blame her, considering the ott criticism she is getting on this thread from a lot if posters.

She did nothing wrong.

The issue imo is why is her bf so invested in the good opinion of a woman who is supposed to be just his flat share but whose feelings are apparently of more importance to him than his gf's?

I can't imagine anyone ever thinking you're rude OP, you're coming across as an absolute delight in your responses!

"I spend 2-3 and he is equally at mine."

"I would never stay over 3 days a week."

🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

@safeatd

yes. If you're staying in a flat share, frequently, it's normal to contribute, because they pay half the bills each, so why should she pay half of the bills you add to!

if her boyfriend stays a lot too, then it all evens out & isn't an issue,

are you in a flat share?

but that aside, yes, it's rude not to say 'hi' when you go into someone else's home & they're in a communal area.

You’re right OP. But you already knew that.
Bet you’re always right aren’t you?
😉😁😁

@safeatd

I spend 2-3 and he is equally at mine. She also has a boyfriend that probably stays over most nights

I would never stay over 3 days a week

🤨 You're writing this.... not us!

I’m a guest in their house so it’s rude apparently to not seek out everyone who is awake to go and wish them a good night.

Except no one said that. They were in the communal stea

But I do think it’s unfair that I’m in somehow indebted to her that it’s expected I come in and say goodnight to her

it's called having good manners.

Are you ND? If you are I can understand why you're struggling.

• I don’t need to do anymore*

then why ask if YABU??

You do if you don't want to piss your boyfriend off & make yourself unwelcome 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because you’re a guest in her home!

And you’ve just confirmed you spend several nights a week at the flat!

Yes. Pop uour head around the door and say hi. I'm off to bed. Night! Just basic manners

If OP were male, there would be no way she would be expected to open the living room door, go in and say hello to the housemate and then go out and go into the bedroom.

This entire expectation is based around the fact of OP being female.

No one would expect the housemate’s boyfriend to go in and say hello on his way to the bedroom.

Females are socialised to be polite and to think of others above themselves.

YANBU for not saying goodnight. I wouldn't care at all if I was the flatmate.

YABU for getting annoyed at someone assuming you spend several nights a week there, and then confirming that you do in fact spend several nights a week there.

It really isn’t. Having done my share of living in flatshares, as I said above, the rude, frequently-staying-over boyfriend/girlfriend is one of the top five causes of fallings out, along with not doing the washing up, food stealing, disparity in room size, bathroom hogging, noise etc etc.

The sex of the person is irrelevant. If someone is spending two or three nights a week sleeping in someone’s flat where they are not paying rent, it behaves them to be polite to the other people actually living there. Stocking your head around the door to say hi isn't much to ask.

Have you missed that the housemate boyfriend stays over more than OP does?

Why haven’t you asked if he pops his head round to say hello to OP’s boyfriend?

Because the OP doesn’t indicate that the flatmate’s boyfriend’s behaviour causes any irritation to the OP’s boyfriend? Her behaviour at her boyfriend’s flat is causing irritation. And in her OP, @safeatd specifies that her boyfriend also thinks she’s being rude. It’s not just his flatmate. She is creating friction in the flat, and both the people who live there think she’s being rude.