Aibu to think some parents can't accept their child is a average?!

[Chasingshadowss]

Just from listening to some parents at the school gates & activities.. It seems certain parents can't accept their child is normal or average..
If they are not over achieving it's the schools fault, teachers fault, other parents faults, coaches fault.. It's draining.
Also some parents who might be very high achievers themselves just expect their child should be the same as them & point the finger if not..
What's wrong with average?

The issue is a lot more nuanced than you are presenting though. Currently state schools do let down many kids, mainly lower ability and higher ability. Competitive parenting is nothing new, neither is parents who can't be arsed. Just a shame you seem to live in an area where there are lots of such examples. However I still stand by my point about we shouldn't accept mediocrity and every child should be pushed and supported to reach their potential, both by schools and parents.

I actually agree with this. Schools seem quite unambitious, and I see children at my son's school who have great talent and could excel in their area if they got the right support. But if their parents aren't in a position to give that, it goes to waste, because the school doesn't fill that gap (and realistically it is too much to ask) and the window closes.

I don't hear parents blaming teachers for anything, or even coaches much. I think it is generally a good thing that parents want their children to achieve to the extent of their ability, rather than shrugging and leaving them to their own devices.

There are some insufferable parents out there that pile immense pressure on their children as they see them as an extension of themselves and a reflection of themselves. Of course nurturing talent, supporting children to do their best to give them a decent chance at life is good, but I know the type you mean and they're not doing their children any favours.

One of the Tory education secretaries wanted all children to be above average………

I used to manage the local rugby teams age group.
Every week the coaches would choose the team based on ability for specific positions, enthusiasm, behaviour, and turning up on time if at all.

There was one boy who was tiny (so couldn't play in a scrum for example as he would have been flattened), he was always late, and he wasn't fast or particularly interested in playing in fact....but his parents would complain week after week that he wasn't chosen for the A team.
He was put into a team (all kids were) but his parents complained constantly about him being in the A team....
Their main reason? He'd been going since day one!!!!

So they turned it on us and said we clearly weren't coaching him properly if we didn't think he was good enough...

I'm finding this thread really odd. There's a slightly distasteful emphasis on "parents should accept that they have an average child", "parents should accept that there are just lots of children who are brighter than theirs". I mean, in reality most of us know that our children aren't going to be the sportiest, or the cleverest, or the most artistically talented, but it's not something we really need shoved home to us. Because our job is to cherish and encourage our children (within reason - obviously no point telling a child with two left feet that they might play for England) and to ensure they're given help and support to develop their interests and skills. And yes parents don't always get it right, but they're not necessarily "deluded" when they challenge schools and teachers for not giving their children enough support. Maybe the school just isn't doing a very good job?

Exactly. I don't believe that this is a good message to be sending, especially to our daughters!

I think you are right OP. I was always quite good academically but not exceptional at anything. I was pretty rubbish at most sports as not very coordinated, I wasn’t naturally talented at music/art. My parents just always encouraged me to have a go at things and do my best and not to stress too much about how anyone else was doing.
I’ve tried to do same with my two. One is very creative, has loads of great ideas for stories, fab with anything art/crafts based & could draw at 6/7 much better than I can as an adult. She’s struggling a bit with maths. I don’t blame the school that she is but I do a bit blame how much they focus on that and go on and on about their times tables. The schools approach is making her feel like she’s rubbish and I get annoyed they can’t do better focusing on where she’s improving vs what she isn’t achieving. I have no idea why but she just doesn’t seem to be able to learn her tables to a level where she’s confident and she panics when they have a test and gets very stressed about it. I just keep reminding her she’s fab at lots of things and if we keep practicing it will get easier. I also tell her other people might always be better at maths than her but that doesn’t mean she won’t get lots better and feel lots more confident than she does now and that all we care about is that she is doing her best and keeps trying with all her school subjects.

My view is that every child will have at least one talent that they personally are good at. It matters not how their talent compares to other kids. It is a question of finding what they are good at and passionate about and nurturing that to foster self confidence.

Then there is a lot of other stuff they should aim to be average at to get a balance.
The “talent” can change over the years and kids’ interests shift. But owning something is important. It can be a sport, music, drawing, cooking, reading, just being really kind and sociable, helpful, whatever. It does not really matter.

Moreover, having an extreme talent that you put a 10,000 hours in always comes at a cost. It means you have less time for other stuff and friends. It is fine when driven by the child, but it is a difficult thing for any parent to deal with. Go look up what Lang Lang has to say about his father, it does sound really toxic to a Westerner. interlude.hk/on-this-day-14-june-lang-lang-was-born/

No my argument is that the top % (aside from actual genius) is relatively fluid depending on several factors
Memory
Age in year
Sen
Speed (in primary kids only getting challlenge work if completed main work but obviously slow working child never gets onto this when they may be able to do this)
Concentration
Notice for test and revision
Difficulty of test
Tutoring

The limit of the max score will depend on the child's understanding. But the gap between what they get and the max score is potentially huge.
So eg one test on spanish the revision info said -ar verbs and if you have time -ir and --er but didnt mean it as all 3 were tested... (The result for that test is then completely irrelevant).
Or a geography (and a science too) test where they didnt tell them in advance.
Likewise use of SATs for setting as the child/parent isnt being made aware this will be used for that.
And not everyone is on even footing for that as some parents with older dc etc know these things (like there is always a test on end of topic etc)
This is what tutoring does- bridges the gap to where the could have been whether that is practice on what they need more examples of or time issues or refresh memory.

We did do some work at home which is how i knew she could achieve 100%.

Perhaps the gap isnt usually so big but it does exist (otherwise there wouldnt need to be so much tutoring.

.

Oh, I completely agree! Speaking as a primary school teacher, parents have some really strange expectations of their child. If I put "at age related expectations" on their reports, I get an ear-full from some of "why not Exceeding?"
Honey, there's NOTHING WRONG with being average "middle of the pack". That's literally what average means. It means "just normal". Doing exactly what they should be doing.

I've had to have this conversation with my extremely competitive son a few times. That it's okay to just be "alright" at something. He loves sports, but attacks every sport he does like he's gunning to be in the next Olympics. He's the same academically. If he's not number 1, what's the point?? DH and I are completely bemused by him, as neither of us are like that really.

Also, thinking back to my own childhood and the kids I grew up with in primary school, it's not the kids who "sat on the clever table" who have gone on to have the high-flying careers. Almost to a whole, it's the kids who were on the second or third best table who've gone on to have the most success career-wise.

Primary school intelligence is a pretty poor indicator of future success of the "average" child, in my experience.

Fantastic post op, great to get more teachers perspectives on here!

It can depend on where you live, I'm in a deprived town in NE England and I have genuinely never known, or even heard of, a child having a tutor

This is very true, my first DD flew at primary, always getting exceeding and was just great academically. All went downhill a bit in secondary, she was still in top groups but she hated it and would fall apart in exams, she ended up only getting 3 GCSEs which I could have never imagined when she was flying so high at primary.

In contrast my second daughter was always below age related at primary, couldn't read til at least year 2/3, starting to get some "expected" towards the end but she was very much below average. She's now in her GCSE years and it's going to be interesting to see how she does, she's predicted to do quite well. Again, I'd always imagined she'd fail every GCSE when she was 6 or 7 and could barely read a few words.

There's a great song about this in Matilda the Musical. It's very hard not the think your child is exceptional, I think my DD is the cleverest, funniest and most beautiful child I've ever met, but I recognise I'm not objective about that. I think she seems above average academically and her nursery teachers and friend's parents have commented on this so I might be right? We also get lots of strangers telling us she's very beautiful when we're out and about, but I have no idea if this is normal either! I think it's worse NOT to think your child is brilliant, and the problem you've identified isn't that people think their child is wonderful, but that they blame others- or worse, the child- if anything contradicts this worldview. If my daughter gets her first school report and she is actually achieving at average or below average, I'll obviously look for ways to help her but I won't vehemently deny what I'm being told.

If you’ve ever heard the amazing Tim Minchin talk about his childhood/how he parents his children you’ll understand a lot more about that song. :)

That's where for her a tutor would help her with her confidence. She would then know she can do the subject and in particular any exams later on.

I know many people from abroad and they are horrified how children are taught Maths in England.

You mean the kids who had to learn people skills at a younger age.

I’ve been trying to find someone but everyone seems to be online only. If I could locate a F2F one I absolutely would go for it to see if it helped. In fairness it’s not really the staff’s fault it’s the way the curriculum is structured but it is awful.

Nothing wrong with being average. You can't have everyone being above average, can you? 😂

There's even more reluctance among parents to accept that their child may be below average, and they don't have any learning difficulties or other condition. It is simply because they are a bit thick.

Anyone else wish their child WAS average? Or at least wish school came easier for them? My son struggles with every subject at school. If he was working at an average level I'd be over the moon for him. I just don't want his life to be a struggle for him

Perhaps if school didn't value and promote a particular type of intelligence, parents wouldn't have to worry about their supposedly "below average" children being considered a bit "thick". Because there wouldn't be a stigma attached to it as there seems to be now since all children's strengths would be recognised.

You know it's funny because, looking back, I had two friends in primary who were considered "slow" and one is now a nutritionist and the other studied zoology and works in conservation. From what I hear from my mother (still friends with their mums), they're both doing very well and no one has called either of them "a bit thick" for a long time.

Maybe school just doesn't work for him? There are many children who have the confidence knocked out of them in school but flourish in the world of work. I'm sorry, that's probably not very reassuring in the meantime, but definitely focus on out-of-school interests until you find the thing that makes him tick - there will be something.

@Goldbar thanks - he has an autism diagnosis and is very much into staying at home... but yes I think if he can find the right job when he's older that matches his special interests he may flourish :)