Aibu to think some parents can't accept their child is a average?!

[Chasingshadowss]

Just from listening to some parents at the school gates & activities.. It seems certain parents can't accept their child is normal or average..
If they are not over achieving it's the schools fault, teachers fault, other parents faults, coaches fault.. It's draining.
Also some parents who might be very high achievers themselves just expect their child should be the same as them & point the finger if not..
What's wrong with average?

One of mine won the Dux medal at school here in Scotland. That's the highest academic achiever in the year.
I've never been pestered and stalked online so much as then. Dozens of parents asking who my son's tutor(s) were and what I could do to help thier son or daughter, who were all universally expected to get into St Andrews, Oxford, Cambridge or MIT etc.

I was ambushed at the award ceremony, met at the supermarket, or was messaged online by some really unpleasant people, all of whom to a person were wrapped up in 'hot housing' some young person into exam results above average and a career that they had no interest in. Apparently my son was 'spectacular' and I had a 'secret' I should tell them so that thier 'wonder child' could be the next top one....

I really felt for the young people.

Best bit was that my son has no tutor ever.
And the icing on the cake was that he chose a year traveling, walking long distance paths, riding his bike, paid for by his own earnings waiting on at the local hotel bar, where I'm sure he served many of the pushy parents while thier kids attended the tutoring company next door...

but on the flip side in an idea world, it should be a good example that others can aspire to

So how would you feel if your DC wasn't in the A team? And what's wrong with having a tutor? We've used one before to help our child in maths; now they're enjoying it much more at school 🤷‍♀️.

As I explained above my dc often doesn't get in the A team.. There are kids coming back from injury, kids who are clearly better & others who improve who surpass him. It's life, it's not the coaches fault that kids are better than him, the coaches job is to pick the strongest team to win the game!

I agree with tutoring! If a parebt feels their child is not being stretched in class or is falling behind it is better to be proactive & get extra help rather than bitch & moan to all & sundry about their child being overlooked by the teacher!

I live in Wales so we still have the old grading system. When the GCSE results came out this year it was sad to see how many young people (and their parents) were disappointed with an A grade because it wasn’t good enough. How have we got into a position where only am A* is acceptable?

I have met mums like this. There is one in particular that puts her daughter in school on Saturday and Sunday - it’s tutoring in a school like environment. They’ve done this every weekend and she is constantly speaking to me about how her child isn’t as bright as the younger sister and how she still wants to move her to a grammar school etc …

Plus her daughter does ballet but isn’t into it and the mum bangs on about extra curriculum stuff her daughter doesn’t care about.

This is one example but I think she should allow her daughter to have some time just playing or being. School is important but so is self esteem.

I’ll always remember my maths teacher writing in my year book ‘Talia, keep your sense of humour and you will go far in life. Keep smiling!’ 🥹 I was absolutely terrible at maths and to be honest, never really felt good at anything! Most definitely average in most things, below average in others. But that comment in my year book made me realise that it’s ok not to be a perfect, highly intelligent, good at sport etc person, and helped raise my self esteem and realise what positive things made me who I am. That teachers words has even followed me to parenthood, where I praise my children’s individual traits and good things that make up who they are, encourage them to try their best at everything and that THEIR best is good enough.
That was a long winded way of me saying I agree with you OP! So many parents are entitled and expect their child to flourish at everything from academics to sports, and if their child doesn’t meet their expectations, it’s always someone else’s fault. They can’t accept their child is not top of the class / Olympic gymnast / music prodigy / whatever

What is "average"? All children have particular strengths and capabilities. The problem with school is that it measures only a certain subset of these.

There is also an unhealthy emphasis on "achieving" and "excelling" in our society. We want our children to be above-average so they excel and achieve. But in too many situations what we end up doing is conditioning them to value themselves based on the external validation they receive from others. You don't have to excel to have a happy life and make a worthwhile contribution to society.

I don't mind whether my children are "average" or not at 5, because I don't see my role as a parent as being to produce a child who excels in the current school system that we have. The task of a parent is much harder imo - it's to expose your children to lots of different experiences and opportunities so they can find out what motivates them and what they are passionate about. And then to support them as far as you can to achieve their aims, whether it's becoming a brain surgeon, training as a plumber or opening their own cafe. And that involves supporting their education of course - many of the skills they learn at school will be necessary or useful for most jobs, businesses or professions. And many career paths will have certain entry requirements. But it doesn't necessarily require our children to be top of the class.

That's exactly what I'm saying, it's up to the parents to help their child find their passion whether that's picking up rocks on the beach (future geologist) drawing cartoons, library books, football etc.. However when things don't go the way certain parents expect it is ridiculous to blame the teacher or coach.. Some parents need to learn to manage their expectations for everyone's sake & accept the child they have. By all means get extra tutoring or tutor at home to get the child up to scratch that's being proactive instead of calling the teacher rubbish..

@Chasingshadowss . I think it's wrong to describe children as 'average' though. In a properly-resourced education system, schools would be helping children to find the thing that they excel at. So there would be no 'average' children - they would all be inspired by and passionate about something.

I don't come across many 'average' people in my day-to-day life tbh. It's not really how I (or I suspect you or most adults) think about people. So I'm not entirely sure why we apply it to children.

How do you measure a person? Maybe parents should be told that it's not that their child is 'average' but that the system assessing them is poorly-designed to take into account their unique characteristics.

Schools are equally to blame with parents here. They create and perpetuate this narrow view of success.

*I would say dd1 (12) is capable of say top 5%. She came 9th percentile maths in sats and only about 25th percentile for reading. But she could do all the maths just cant stop making silly mistakes.
At secondary after y7 she is coming out only about top third of the year group. So thats not great. Its partly her (sen) and not working fast enough so not finishing tests.

As a parent its hard to see schools not put the effort to move kids from meeting expectations to exceeding. In primary no effort was made till sats.
But last week y8 dc got 37/60 on a maths test. So its hard to look at the paper and see she could easily have got 57/60. But 6w of no school straight into a test with no revision. So even for 1 dc the gap between achieved and potential was 33% of the marks. And that result would i expect have put her in the top 10% of the year.*

So you are the very embodiment of the deluded parents the op is talking about!! You have,based on God knows what, decided that your pfb is in the top 5% academically, but it is the schools ( both primary and secondary) fault that she is not achieving this.Priceless!!

Isn't that more with private school kids?

F-ing hell. I see what you mean OP!

My kids are pretty mediocre
Definitely not as academic as I was, nor do they really have the drive to do anything about it.
Regardless, I think they're awesome and I love them to pieces. Their happiness and mental wellbeing are the most important things to me.

A lot of parents think their children are gifted. Only a few pupils in a primary school class are.
In my youngst child's class 8 out 10 are gifted according to the parents. Might not be the case but people create their own truth.

If you live in a grammar area, that’s probably why most people you know use tutors.

Most local authorities don’t have grammars, so no need for parents to tutor in primary school, unless there are specific areas of genuine weakness.

My DD was one of three put forward for Grammar school 11+ testing out of her year group. She passed, highly, but was the only one to go onto her particular school. The other two were accepted into different Grammar Schools. The other children went into the nearest secondary school. Endless FB posts from the parents that it's not good enough and they're happy to go to war with the school. The one closest which the majority attend has been failing students for years, hugely problematic.
All schools can be problematic but Woodchurch High is an absolute joke. These kids are setting people's houses on fire. Physically attacking their peers and full grown adults, hiding behind balaclavas. It's disgusting.

I agree. I have a friend who swears her kid does no work in school because it's too easy for him and he's too bored. Total cop out to make it the teacher's fault.

Average = meeting expectations, happy in school. Doing well in school, might not be in top sets but works hard to meet expectations but that's not enough for some parents who accuse teachers of ignoring their child & favouritism of others.
Average = can play a sport to the best of their ability & really enjoy it but some parents accuse the coaches of playing favourites for picking the fastest or best players instead of being happy to see their child active & enjoying sport.

Bullseye @mm81736 😁 And what exactly is she doing at home with her child herself if she thinks she can reach the 5%🤣 It's so much easier to blame the school & teachers rather than accept there is higher achieving children than theirs...

And the same parent probably won't do any work at home to extend the curriculum. Much easier to blame the school & teacher than take some responsibility for their dc's education..

You should see the emails the school receives when the school football team is announced every year 😳 And also when the kids start swimming lessons with school and they get split into groups based purely on ability on the day of assessment rather than how long they've been swimming for. It's like the parents take it personally if their child isn't put in the top group.

I know there was a parent who raised hell about the play in my dc's school.. Her daughter wasn't picked for a solo despite the fact she does "vocal training" outside school 😁

I'm really surprised you havn't come accross families who use tutors.

How is that surprising? I pay £30 odd an hour for my sons tutor (SEN home ed)- it isn’t remotely surprising that there are areas where people can’t afford that sort of expense, even if they were minded to.

Most of the country doesn't have grammar schools so tutoring isn't a thing per se above specific support with maths/English.
Maybe widen your horizons and realise that your very limited personal experience doesn't extrapolate across the whole country. 1 or 2 schools with a certain cohort of parents/kids doesn't equate to ALL schools/parents/kids