Aibu to think some parents can't accept their child is a average?!

[Chasingshadowss]

Just from listening to some parents at the school gates & activities.. It seems certain parents can't accept their child is normal or average..
If they are not over achieving it's the schools fault, teachers fault, other parents faults, coaches fault.. It's draining.
Also some parents who might be very high achievers themselves just expect their child should be the same as them & point the finger if not..
What's wrong with average?

I think also that to reach expected levels in primary schools now is actually very difficult. You have to be pretty bright to reach those levels, yet I don't think people always understand that. As a result, it may seem that a child is underachieving even if they are doing very well. The expectations on young children nowadays are phenomenal.

Totally agree with this.

My son has ASD and ADHD. He's rarely average in anything. His ND brain means he's either streaks ahead of his peers because of gifts of exceptionally visual memory etc or he's 4 years behind because he has huge deficits in abstract thinking and social imagination. All or nothing.....

I think what parents sometimes forget is that while a child may do incredibly well at school that doesn’t always translate into highly achieving in life/work.
same applies to those who don’t do as well in school. They can do fantastically well at life/work.

of course there are those that do amazingly well throughout school/life/work life and those that don’t but my point is that one outcome in school doesn’t always translate to life/work experience. It can be changed and turned around for those that school life perhaps didn’t suit. Their outcome isn’t determined by those years.

https://www.bbc.com/news/education-49826715

@twistyizzy @Supernaturaldemons according to this article 25% of secondary school students receive tutoring. It absolutely is a thing in many areas.

But the competitive tutoring you mention is mainly just in grammar areas, of which there are very few left. As I said, most is targeted specific support for maths + English if a child is falling behind or needs stretching.

Also this is a damming indictment of the quality of teaching in some schools

The only time that tutors came into play in my DC’s schooling was when 11+ exams were on the horizon, and that was only because the children didn’t do any of the verbal and non-verbal reasoning exercises at school that were the backbone of the 11+.
Having passed an entrance exam to get into my exclusive school at 11, before I hired a tutor, I asked my DC if they wanted to have the opportunity to have the extra tuition and try for the grammar school, but made it clear that there was no expectation that they would pass, or even if they did, go to that school, as they might go to visit it after the tuition started and decide it wasn’t for them.
One DC took up the opportunity, passed the 11+ but decided not to take the place at the grammar school after meeting some of the other DC and their parents, as well as some of the teachers, which was absolutely fine, and the other didn’t want to even attempt the extra tuition, which was also fine.
Having been dreadfully unhappy at my school, but being aware of the benefits it afforded me, I was cautious about putting my DC through the same level of pressure - and it paid off: both DC thrived at secondary school…

Hmmm

Yes and no. Everyone wants to feel their kids are “special” but most aren’t. And that’s OK. Average but happy and successful on your own terms is a great life.

But the counter argument is that if you don’t push your kids a bit and push for the best possible environment you are basically signalling to them that being mediocre is fine and therefore that there’s no value in trying. There is a critical difference between accepting your kids’ limitations and not setting any goals at all.

When I hear people say things like they “just want them to be happy” and “success at school isn’t everything,” I think they are reinforcing the idea that they don’t need to seek to be their best. And honestly I don’t think that sends a great message, particularly to girls.

God knows the world we live in is competitive enough and schools are so under-resourced, why wouldn’t you seek to equip your kids as best you can? Of course pressure to achieve should be realistic and never at the expense of their mental health.

But better to aim high and then come to terms with a compromise between the ultimate achievement and the reality than to set the bar really low and shrug when they fall at the first hurdle.

Exactly, why are we aspiring to be average? Or teaching our kids that average is good enough if they are capable of more, especially girls! Obviously I don't mean in everything but if they show specific strengths then aren't we doing our kids a disservice to accept mediocrity?

Yes but clearly some parents are being proactive & actually helping their children rather than bitching & moaning about the teachers.

Yes but if parents feel that way there is loads they can do outside school without placing the blame at the feet of a teacher who has 26 other kids needs to worry about or a coach who is juggling players with different abilities.
My point is that the majority of kids are average & meeting expectations. That is fantastic & parents should be happy instead of blaming teachers that there are more able children in the class.
A child who is happy, meeting expectations, who is kind & polite surely is enough in itself?

@Chasingshadowss

Yes but clearly some parents are being proactive & actually helping their children rather than bitching & moaning about the teachers

Yep. This is really important in how you model coping with challenges to the child as well.

If a child constantly hears teachers being set up as the enemy then of course they are going to be disincentivised to do their best work.

As a parent you have to advocate for your child and be their champion but you also have to show them that education is something you have to be proactive about.

If they are showing specific strengths what's stopping the parents from nurturing these qualities?! It's easier to blame the teachers.

@Chasingshadowss

Yes but if parents feel that way there is loads they can do outside school without placing the blame at the feet of a teacher who has 26 other kids needs to worry about or a coach who is juggling players with different abilities

I totally agree with that. Education is as much the responsibility of the child and parent as the teacher.

My point was more that there has to be a degree of (appropriate) pressure on children to achieve in line with their capabilities. As opposed to just shrugging your shoulders when they underperform and saying “don’t worry about it.”

100%. One of my dc's loves art, the school don't get a chance to do much especially since covid so we take him to classes outside school which he loves. Job done, no bitching about the school.
At the end of the day parents are children's main educators so instead of bitching about a teacher there is nothing stopping them plugging any gaps they feel are there themselves..

I have never heard any parent blaming the teachers. The funding of state schools and Gove's dire NC yes, individual teachers no! Like I said, your narrow sample of personal experience doesn't mean this is standard across all schools/parents.

Well I have & I have teacher friends who say similar! Parents complaining & bitching the same child gets picked, complaining their child isn't top set, complaining the coach didn't pick for the team, complaining their child wasn't one of 4 picked for a relay race...

I don’t hear people moaning but it’s implicit in attitude eg dd’s friend hugely enjoyed a popular sport, when she didn’t make the A team the mum withdrew her dd from that sport and enrolled her in badminton.

I was a massive over-achiever at school so I really struggle to rein in my expectations. But I try really hard. I did blame my dd’s “outstanding” primary school for being awful at discipline and the damage that did to my dd’s self esteem, confidence and her interest in reading especially. It was always noisy and she was always “deployed” to calm down noisy violent and disruptive kids. As a result she chose to go to a mega strict all girls secondary school as she said to me in Y6 “I never want to be in a classroom with a boy ever again mum, I just want to feel safe and be able to learn.” So I do understand the frustration when you think school is letting your child down.

I know lots of parents who hire tutors. Actually in some cases very worthwhile but depends on child. My dd would kick off like the worst of Roald Dahl’s brats if I tried to help her with school work - lockdown homeschooling was hell! But I didn’t go down the route of tutoring as I knew she’d got the motivation to succeed and would sort herself out.

I do not judge any parent for hiring a tutor unless they end up stopping child having a childhood (knew one parent who stopped all play dates and extra curriculars to fit in tutors and STILL didn’t pass the selection test for local amazing state selective.)

My dad, who worked in a very posh part of town, absolutely hated it at parents' evening because some of the pate would not accept that their child was, say , average at reading so reading at an 8 year old level at 8 , the parents would automatically say things like, well they must be dyslexic.

Fair enough but my teacher friends always complain about the parents who aren't engaged in their child's education, don't turn up for parents evenings and basically don't give a shit.

Ugh...those people are the worst. In the kids football team, remarkably it seems every kid is 'the best player in the team' according to their parents. It does the kids no favours either, being told they are amazing at everything until they grow up and realise they aren't

I think it works both ways - there are some deluded parents for sure - but there are also ways in which schools really let down bright or able kids because they don’t cause any trouble / meet all the standards.

why does this rile you up so much do you think?

@anxioussister It’s a fomo, you feel you’ve got to give your child the best start in life, so you want them to be ahead in the race from day 1. You don’t want them to struggle or encounter adversity - but that’s really dumb because some struggling and adversity is soooooo good for you as a child.

I have had to learn that yes, you can be prodigiously good at things as a child and still turn out average (me, sadly!). You can have an average childhood and claw your way up (my dh did, he’s definitely just improving with age like a fine wine!).

I guess though your fear as a parent is that your child will fulfil his or her potential and that will feel like a parenting fail in an era when your image is so important, and comparison is an obsession and it seems everyone is out there bragging on SM.

My dc2 is not a high achiever and honestly i am starting to realise that his hard-won successes feel just as incredible as anything my dc1 does. My dc1 is addicted to success and hates not being best at everything. But the feeling dc2gets when he succeeds is more powerful because he understands how hard things are. Who will turn out to be the “better” adult? I’ve no idea.

You could argue that those parents are also anti teachers & schools. Bitching & moaning about teachers does not make one a good parent

It riles me as the kids are back to school a week & there is already bitching about the new teachers & agro at the sidelines of a match yesterday. In all cases the problem is the teachers /coaches not favouring average children who are quite clearing trying their very best.

Not convinced on this tbh. Yes, parents need to take primary responsibility for their children's education, but children do spend 6-7 hours every weekday during term-time in the classroom. I don't think it's unreasonable for parents to expect schools to provide a relatively enriching experience for children during this time (even if not individually tailored), otherwise what is the point of school and why do we fund schools and pay teachers? Maybe we need to be clearer on what schools are providing (and what they can reasonably be expected to provide) but the answer can't be to let them off the hook altogether.