I am BU, but why?

[Falsenegative]

My mother died suddenly of a heart condition a year ago.

Two of my cousins are fundraising for the British Heart Foundation. They’ve just done a lengthy run for it. I don’t know why, and I know I’m being completely unreasonable, but it annoys me. I can’t stand it coming up on social media and I haven’t donated. My sister and father post supportive comments so it’s definitely problem. Why does it annoy me?

Whatever the reason is, it’s totally irrational as that’s a lovely thing for them to have done.

You're cantankerous.

Well, yes, that’s what I said in the post. I know it’s irrational, but why?

I think you’re being a bit of a dick. I haven’t said anything negative to them at all.

You're posting negatively about it on Mumsnet.

Is it that you feel if anyone should be fundraising it’s your immediate family rather that your cousins?

Maybe you are not sporty, so are a bit jealous of the fact that they are able to do this. Or perhaps you are feeling low (not surprising), and resent their energy in getting this done. Or maybe you have unresolved negative feelings about your DM. Whatever the cause, be kind to yourself, and get therapeutic help if needed. Do you have other close relatives or good friend you could talk this through with.

Perhaps it’s because your mum died and your cousins are running. Also perhaps they enjoy running anyway so it feels like they are virtue signalling. Perhaps say lovely idea cousins . I have already made a donation directly MacMillan or BHF . Grief is a strange thing so don’t beat yourself up.

Sorry for your loss. You must have some idea why....

My thoughts...

Do you feel like they are jumping in on your grief by doing this? I'm thinking a kind of, she was my mum, not theirs so why are they doing this?

Or

This is just giving you a constant reminder of her death?

Anonymously.

Are you feeling guilty that they are doing something for the cause and you're not? Are you jealous that they are getting attention?

I think this maybe could be part of it. I hate opening Facebook or whatever and seeing photos of my mother with links asking for money.

Point proven.

So sorry for your loss 💐

Grief can come in lots of forms.

May be it’s the unsolicited reminder of such a sudden loss. connects you to it when you aren’t primed for it. Could be that it was your mum and not theirs. Could be that it feels a bit ‘showy’ and may be their actions before her loss don’t match. Does it feel like they are doing it for them but using the loss of your mum to crow bar something more meaningful in? Are they ‘altruistic narcissists’ that like to look good but are may be actually quite self centred usually?

Don’t beat yourself up about it. This kind of thing irritates me too and it’s not even related to a big loss. I give to charity quietly without telling anyone s
and when I have done a sponsored walk I just put the money in myself as couldn’t bear to ‘make a fuss’ - but I’m odd like that. 😊

I think it might be a bit of both. Like they’re attention seeking on social media with posts with her photo on.

I think the fact that you haven’t said anything rude, and recognised that you have these feelings and don’t want to engage with social media is fine. As long as you are not rude about it, it is not unreasonable at all, just how you feel.

Does it feel like they are encroaching on your grief? Or that’s this is performative, some way slightly not-genuine and more about being seen or praised for fundraising? Is it the splashing your mum’s death around social media? All of these are reasonable to feel uncomfortable about.

I’m really sorry for your loss.

No, I’m not remotely jealous.

I think you have some sort of misplaced guilt because they're doing it in memory of your mum and you are not.

However, you don't need to do it so don't worry about it.

They feel the need/want to do it and as she was their aunt, it's a lovely thing to do.

Put your hand in your pocket, give them a few quid and I'm sure you'll feel much better.

Were they nice to your mum when she was alive? Are they genuinely sad that she died?

Given the nature of the OPs post you were actually being incredibly insensitive and mean. The OP is clearly trying to work out why she feels like this and isn’t talking about her cousins in any negative way. We can’t help our thoughts and feelings. Only our actions. Your actions in posting that were really unkind.

No, definitely don’t feel guilty.

You could be seeing their fundraising as virtue signalling. You could feel cynical about helping the charity since you don't see how they could have helped your mum. You could just hate being reminded of your mum's death or seeing your mum's death being exploited for charity.

Oh I missed this.

It's a horrible thing to accuse them of OP.

They're entitled to fund raise in memory of their aunt without being accused of nasty things like this.

How would your mum feel about your thoughts on this?

I can see if she's linked it to your mother's passing it could seem very insensitive. I felt like that a lot around bereavement, I lost my dad suddenly from heart attack when I was 13. I got quite angry about certain things.
I totally understand how you feel. But it is a form of anger around loss, that isn't reasonable to express necessarily in person.
If you try and think that she's doing something good and try and ignore the fact it seems like almost taking attention away from your loss and grief.
I know it's hard. But ultimately your cousin hasn't done anything wrong.
I'm very sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. X

Yes, one particularly. I don’t think they’re trying to do anything bad and I think they think they’re doing something really nice. Which I suppose they are.

She would’ve hated having it posted all over social media though.