I am BU, but why?

[Falsenegative]

My mother died suddenly of a heart condition a year ago.

Two of my cousins are fundraising for the British Heart Foundation. They’ve just done a lengthy run for it. I don’t know why, and I know I’m being completely unreasonable, but it annoys me. I can’t stand it coming up on social media and I haven’t donated. My sister and father post supportive comments so it’s definitely problem. Why does it annoy me?

She would’ve agreed with me.

That’s how it feels. Like it’s being exploited.

She hasn’t accused them of anything. She’s trying to figure out why she’s having these seemingly irrational reactions. She can’t help how she feels.

If you know your mum would have hated it, it makes complete sense that it doesn’t sit easily for you. Be kind to yourself. It’s fine to just ignore it.

Maybe you feel they are appropriating your Mum’s death and doing something which garners public approval? I can totally understand why you feel that way @Falsenegative . Did they discuss it with you before they did it?

They’re probably doing it for the right reasons and to process their own sadness about losing their auntie, but I do get why you feel irked. So sorry for your loss.

I think I get it, OP. She was their aunt, but she was your mother, and now they’re putting her death all over social media in a way you didn’t anticipate and don’t necessarily want to see. And it’s perhaps like they’re centering themselves as “chief mourners” by posting about their reaction to her death so much.

@Falsenegative

im really sorry to hear about your Mum💐

my Dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack. He was only 65. It was a few years ago now.

is there a part of you that feels they're over stepping Do you want to say 'she's MY mum, not yours!!' Do you feel like they're putting on a show of grief for attention?

its not uncommon to feel that way.

you might benefit from some bereavement counselling?

I don't think it's an irrational reaction at all. It's really hurtful to be suddenly confronted with those pics on SM. Just really raw and hurtful.

Did they discuss this idea with you before posting on SM? If they didn't, they're disrespectful tbh.

Unfortunately you can't say anything to your cousins since they're apparently doing a good thing and for someone they had a relationship with.

But, I would take steps to protect my own MH and mute them and anyone who's re posting that, at least until the event has finished and all the fuss has died down.

I probably would also struggle with wanting to absolutely scream at them to pack it in - if you have a counsellor that would probably be the most appropriate outlet.

She accused them of attention seeking.

My Dad died following a cardiac arrest in January. His friends have done all sorts of fundraising in his name since and have been very active in posting about what they’ve been doing on social media. I think even if one person is helped by what they’ve done, it’s a good thing.

At least you know you’re being irrational, but that’s what grief does to you sometimes.

I would mind for these reasons and I would doubly mind because you can’t say anything. I think it’s completely human and understandable.
so sorry for your loss.

I think I'd find it irritating too.

Did they ask before they did it?

I think I'd be pissed off if some random cousins started posting my mom's photo on FB and using her to ask for donations.

I think it's fair enough to raise money but not use your mom to do it. I'm lucky my mom is alive but my brother died suddenly 3 years ago. I still wouldn't feel good seeing his photo being used by more distant relatives. It's bad enough that FB tells me he liked Tesco's every time one of their adds pops up.

Absolutely this! I'd hate it!

They could do in the run in memory of your mum but why do they have to post pictures too??

Virtue signalling that's why, and a bit of grief vampiring going on.

I know a cousin that raised money in memory of his aunt but her husband and children were very supportive. He checked first.

He was incredibly close to his aunt and cousins and went on holiday with them regularly.

Although on reflection I didn't donate any money, even though the aunt was a best friend of mine, but probably would have if one of her children did the run.

They are doing a lovely thing.

They are trying to raise money to find better treatment/cures for a disease to stop other peoples loved ones from dying it from it.

They are literally helping to save people’s lives and they’re doing it in your mothers memory, which is lovely.

The best way to do this is through social media, as it reaches more people.

Its not virtue signalling or attention seeking - it’s spreading the word to get more donations/make people aware.

You need to try and change your mindset.

When someone dies, I tend to get angry rather than sad.
I don’t know why.

Maybe you are just angry and you need someone to focus your anger/annoyance on.

Could you find a way to raise money for the cause?
Maybe this will refocus your energy.

Not to them! She’s working out why she feels like she does. Not having a go at them. She is saying that MIGHT be the THOUGHT she is having that’s making her feel this way. She can’t help what thoughts she is having and how she feels.

Grief isn't rational at all.

After my son died one of my friends had his picture framed and she put it on her wall.

I was furious, he was my son, why did she have his picture up?

With time has come the realisation that focusing on that was just something tangible I could be pissed off at.

In your shoes I would just mute them on social media for now and work through your feelings.

Sorry about your lovely Mum 💐

No, I had no idea until the photos were posted on social media. Muting them is a good idea.

I'm so sorry for your loss

It's fine, you're still grieving. But I'm wondering if you're projecting a bit, because they're channelling the loss into something productive, but you're not. And that's fine, there's no right or wrong. But I think you should be respectful of what they're doing, even if the virtue signalling - if that's what it is - does annoy you.

I get your irrational shuddering at this.

My father died 7 yrs ago. He was part of a group whom have a high profile in the area he lived at. I don't live there. I get tagged, What's app messages from family/friends everytime something he did/was involved with is mentioned on the group's site/social medi la etc...

And I.open the messages and feel irrationally pissed off. I know people are being kind. I should be thinking "oh look, how lovely. Wasnt he amazing".

But I don't, I think about how much I miss him, how much my children missed out without him being in their lives. How much he'd have loved their hobbies and veen involved. I think about how he died. How he was too young. And I get angry.

Sorry for your loss. My mother was 63. Far too young.

I don’t feel like that really. I can’t really put my finger on what it is.

I totally get this @Falsenegative - unexpectedly seeing photos from other people must knock the wind from you. It’s a horrible pit of the stomach feeling isn’t? I also find round DMs anniversaries I get incredibly over sensitive. Like I’ve lost a layer of skin. My DBro is a poster of tributes to her and she would have HATED it and it makes me grind my teeth.

So I do absolutely get where you’re coming from.

I think your feelings are valid and it’s a reasonable reaction to what has happened.
BUT I would strongly suggest you keep those feelings and opinions to yourself or your partner/close friends who are not part of the cousins family.
Your cousins are also grieving a loss. Nowhere close to yours but still a loss. They are dealing with it and attempting to celebrate their aunts life in a way that can make a little positive impact. If they were good to your mum and you believe them to be sincere then they have done nothing wrong.
I would also suggest you send them a fiver.Your lack of contribution will stand out and could cause some upset.
For yourself, stay off Facebook for a bit and find someone outside of the immediate family that you can vent to!

It must be overwhelming to open up FB, and see pictures of your mother, unexpectedly. It’s only been a year - which is such a short space of time when you’re grieving.

I know I had to mute Facebook memories for a while after the death of someone as the random popping up was painful.

Did you know in advance or were you taken by surprise? It is a nice thing to do (you know that) but I can understand the way it’s made you feel. It’s irrelevant though - you feel the way you feel.

Sorry for your loss.

(I can see you didn’t know until the posts popped up).

I don’t want to raise money.

Anger is a recognised stage of grief and you might just be going through that at the moment. After my mum died there was a stage when I was irrationality incredibly angry about anyone who still had their mum. That included my dad despite the fact he'd lost his wife and that his mum, my nan, was one of my favourite people in the world.
Can you mute them on socials so you aren't seeing the posts? I think I'd want to say something, especially as you say your mum wouldn't have wanted it, but it might be easier to just avoid them while you're still quite early on the grieving process.