I am BU, but why?

[Falsenegative]

My mother died suddenly of a heart condition a year ago.

Two of my cousins are fundraising for the British Heart Foundation. They’ve just done a lengthy run for it. I don’t know why, and I know I’m being completely unreasonable, but it annoys me. I can’t stand it coming up on social media and I haven’t donated. My sister and father post supportive comments so it’s definitely problem. Why does it annoy me?

You're being unnecessarily mean to someone who is grieving their mother and has admitted they are being unreasonable and asking for reasons why. Perhaps you could reflect why you are so triggered by OP?

Sorry about your Mum OP.

I would feel the same tbh.
It feels virtue signally and unless the BHF were direct involved in helping your Mum, a bit irrelevant? Also, it doesn't help bring your mum back does it.

I would be mortified to be plastered all over Facebook post-humously because someone decided they needed a reason to start running (very cynical of me).

I think @Agapornis hit the nail on the head for me!

I completely get why you would feel this way. It must feel a bit like that are trying to muscle in on your grief for your mother, making it about them and their big performative gesture, without really thinking how it might make you feel as the daughter who has lost her mum. I'm sure they don't realise this is what it looks like, but that doesn't make it any more palatable to you. I completely understand how you feel.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Grief is pretty complicated and involves a lot of unexpected emotions (like anger). Plus seeing reminders on social media can be hard.

Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. Like you say, as long as you haven't said anything in person to your cousins I think exploring your own feelings on the matter is a very reasonable thing to do. I'm sorry for your loss.

This is it- the fact that you keep seeing your mum and her memory every time you open social media so you are faced with the reminder of your loss constantly.

It seems that you've been bypassed in the process. They didn't ask you first, but now they're probably getting loads of lovely comments sympathising with them for their loss and telling them how 'lovely' they are for what they're doing. I can absolutely understand why you're annoyed over it. I would be too.

Did they have much to do with her in actual life as that would depend on whether I thought you where being unreasonable or not

Could you contact your cousins and say something like you know they are doing a nice thing trying to raise money in memory of your mum BUT you find it really triggering to open social media and see pictures of your mum. Say it knocks the wind out of you, that it makes you emotional and that you also know your mum would have hated being plastered all over facebook in this matter. Ask if they could in future not add a photo. If they want to write that it’s in memory of their aunt then fine but you would appreciate not the pictures as it’s just too much.
then mute their posts

If you accept it's irrational, you literally accept that there isn't a valid reason, so it's pointless asking why.

I think it's just grief OP, and anger is part of that process.

When my mum died, it hurt every time a friend uttered the word mum, when talking about their own. I knew it was irrational, and it eventually stopped hurting.

I get what you mean, and I would've hated seeing an image of my mum pop up on FB if that had been a thing back then.

I'm certain that in time, you will see what your cousins did as a positive.

Not sure why you felt you had to come on to comment this.

So she can have some help to figure out why. Do you never have an irrational thought or feeling that you are curious about?

I’ve been looking at a few threads today and there seems to always be a few posts that are just unfathomably cold, heartless, thoughtless or just plain mean. No idea why. Very odd.

Grief. I found the second year harder than the first and grief raises emotions in me that I know are unreasonable but I experience them any way.

I think you are still grieving. You are not a bad person and you can't help how you feel.

Maybe you feel like they are dipping in on your sympathy?
Do they do this thing anyway? Maybe they needed a reason to pick a charity and this one was close to their mother/father?

I'd feel the same I think. It's like they're claiming your mum for their own, and your bereavement as their own. Not necessarily rational as I'm sure they loved her and were very sad when she died, but very very understandable I think.

When you add in that it's not just once and that your mum would've hated it, then of course you do too.

I actually don't think that's horrible at all. When my baby twins died suddenly last year, people posted their info online without my permission I felt so betrayed and violated as I had never shared that. It was my and my husband grief and also so private. It's pure virtue signalling

@Falsenegative can I suggest you come off mumsnet, people can be very unkind here. My baby Twins died suddenly at birth last year and like that, people used their story online and personal information to get attention. It horrified my husband and I who were so private and numb from grief. It's like being violated when it's someone close to you. I'm sorry for your loss

Because they’re making it about them when they should be concentrating on you loosing your mum, not how amazing they are at running. Virtue signalling, instead of actually being there because that doesn’t get the most likes on insta.

I feel the same as you, I hate people posting about others death on SM and making it about them, think it’s vulgar.

I think this maybe could be part of it. I hate opening Facebook or whatever and seeing photos of my mother with links asking for money.

I get it. It's people who don't have your emotional involvement hijacking your private grief.

Sometimes people have the best of intentions but they're trampling where they're not wanted and centring themselves.

If they didn’t ask you about them doing the run or about posting about it on socisl
media then I can see why that would hurt. It feels like they are overstepping on your grief and your relationship. As the “nearer” bereaved person I can imagine you would feel ownership over this. They should have checked with you first before making this about your mum.

They do, they’ve both done this particular event before, one of them ten times.