I am BU, but why?

[Falsenegative]

My mother died suddenly of a heart condition a year ago.

Two of my cousins are fundraising for the British Heart Foundation. They’ve just done a lengthy run for it. I don’t know why, and I know I’m being completely unreasonable, but it annoys me. I can’t stand it coming up on social media and I haven’t donated. My sister and father post supportive comments so it’s definitely problem. Why does it annoy me?

I’m very sorry for your loss, and that people encroached on your grief.

I wonder whether you often feel irritated with your cousins, in which case maybe everything they do pisses you off a bit. If not and it's just this that annoys you, maybe you feel they are showing off, or even capitalising on their grief at losing their aunt when your grief for your mum is likely much deeper. People do these charity sporting events because they enjoy them; if they didn't there are other ways of donating to a good cause. Perhaps you don't want your cousins enjoying themselves and being praised for it when you are still dealing with your feelings.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I was still grieving my mother painfully fifteen years after she died. A year is nothing. x

Everyone grieves differently OP. Perhaps you think they feel "closer" to your mum by doing this, whereas you have not got that link that they have. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it, it's your parent after all.

That's what I think could be hurting you because it's so bizarre for me to understand why people share this stuff online. Trust me true grief is so overwhelming that for a long time, you tend to shut out a lot of the outside noise , not parade your business to strangers. I hope you can ignore them and move forward

I don't think you're a bad person at all.

Some people don't know to look deeper.

I reckon maybe the whole thing is a big reminder of your loss. And with it being the heart foundation, it's a trigger. I'm also a person who needs to shut everything down when I'm grieving.

It's sometimes too much when you've lost someone. I really feel for you and I'm ao sorry you've lost your mother.

My advice to you is to come off social media for a while or at least snooze some people off of your feed for a while. You'll feel better for it trust me.

Only thing is, that's what can often drum up extra donations by having it shared on SM. Sometimes a friend could comment of share it, and a friend of that person could have a special reason for supporting BHF and think, "I'll donate a fiver to this" If your mum was a private person, I kind of get the annoyance from you, but that's probably the reason they're doing it, to get as much money as possible.
Also sometimes when people see pics of a person someone knew, it sparks a more emotive reaction and makes people more likely to donate, rather than someone just doing it for no specific reason or connection to the charity

Grief can be a funny thing.

No one has mentioned PTSD. You don't say what you went through but caring for a close relative with a terminal illness is a common cause. And one of the symptoms is to feel unreasonably angry with people, especially if events bring back memories of that time.
for your loss

I would hazard a guess that it’s the unsolicited reminders that your mum has died when you open Facebook. Like obviously it’s on your mind a lot anyway but then at moments when it’s not, opening a social media app and being reminded is likely upsetting.

Also maybe it feels like virtue signalling particularly when you are sure your mum would’ve hated it. A “well you obviously didn’t know her as well as I did or you wouldn’t be doing this” kind of thing.

I knew of someone years ago who died young in tragic circumstances and someone else I know of who had never mentioned this person prior has spent years posting about it on birthdays and anniversaries stating they were best friends and I find it really weird. Like they like the attention they get from knowing someone who’s died?!

I would feel the same OP. I don’t think you are being unreasonable or irrational at all. For numerous reasons. Privacy, dislike of over sharing on FB, what your mum would have thought. Another reason might be (I’m struggling how to phrase this) the association of your mum with the disease which took her from you much too soon. Your mum was a whole, loved person with many aspects to her life and for you to see her photo posted on FB in relation to heart disease rather than in relation to her as a person, may be jarring and upsetting.

Grief is complicated. Sorry for your loss

No, but you've made your feelings clear by not donating or talking to them about it.
Perhaps you just feel she was your special person, your Mum and it was cheeky of them to butt in on her death, albeit pro actively and generously.
Emotions are weird things often inexplicable. Very sorry for your loss OP.

Why should the OP engage with it? I hate being sent links to sponsored this that and the other. I donate to MY preferred charities quietly and without fuss. It makes me irritated when there is this assumption that you should donate. Plus this is the OPs grief. It’s the OPs mum. The cousins didn’t even think to tell her. I actually think that’s pretty insensitive.

Could it be that losing your parents feels like it should stay private and personal, and advertising on Facebook how they died and who they are running for feels wrong somehow?
I know I'm very private with info like that. I'd be annoyed if other relatives were advertising what has happened and raising money in my parents name showing it all over Facebook. I doubt I'd say anything, but I'd probably mute them for a while.

My DM died of cancer - decades ago, before social media. I understand why you feel as you do. I’m sitting here thinking how I would feel if I opened up social media and kept seeing posts of my mum with requests to donate. Like you, I’m not sure why I think it’s wrong, but it feels wrong to me.

Sorry for your loss. I would find this really upsetting too. Everyone grieves differently, and for some people “doing something about it” is what helps. 65 is far too young to die. It’s very unfair. I think perhaps your cousins feel they need to do something proactive about it. It’s not an unreasonable response. It is insensitive of them not to have checked with you first, but I think it is well intentioned. Mute them on FB until after the run, and if anyone asks just say that you appreciate they’re trying to do a nice thing but you’re finding it a bit hard at the moment.

This is a world apart from two cousins raising money in memory of their much loved aunt.

You don’t say in any of your posts what they’ve actually said in their fundraising post? Have they even mentioned your mum?

I did a run through work for the NCB, it’s not a charity particularly close to my heart, all I know is they help kids and I’m fine with that. I couldn’t tell you the difference between them and the NSPCC.

Maybe your cousins know heart disease is the biggest killer in the world and wanted to raise money to fight it.

When we had a big loss I felt alot of pressure to be fundraising or raising awareness and throwing ourselves all over social media.

What we actually needed to do was have time and space to put ourselves back together, so that's what we did.

I personally find all the public grieving and go fund mes every time someone loses someone a bit performative and undignified. However I'm sure it brings great comfort to some so horses for courses.

What I had a real issue with was people who hadn't bothered with any of us for tears putting up heartbroken memorandum posts full of 😥

No advice to add OP. But just to say I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

My dad died recently, completely unexpected. Heart attack due to 95% blocked arteries… except he’d been in for his annual check up 12 days beforehand and had an echo and was told everything was fine. I (also irrationally!!) would feel pissed off too if someone was publicly raising money for the BHF for him. Probably irrational but I feel he was completely failed by health services/heart specialists and right now I’m too angry with them to want anything to do with them.

I would feel the same. I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

It's her mum who died. I'd never put my grief above anyone else's and the op has shared that her mum didn't want her pics or info posted online. I'd be raging if my siblings did the same for their nephews, my sons

My parents are alive, but right now we’re dealing with my dad’s Parkinson’s disease. I have absolutely zero desire to raise any money, because PD is taking up enough of my life, and zero desire to “raise awareness,” because if people aren’t aware of Parkinson’s disease, I’m glad to let them enjoy that. I wish I wasn’t aware of Parkinson’s disease, either.

(Somewhat different in that PD isn’t fatal, just debilitating, but I agree that fundraising is not how all people deal with a family member’s illness.)

I mentioned that they’re using her photo so obviously are mentioning her.

I also think this, and so did she.

Similar for me. She went in for a heart operation and died days after being discharged and being told she was fine.

I find people who do this with lots of posts tend to be attention seeking and performative.

They wanted to run anyway, they just have a nice story to garner attention. Thats how I view it. I much prefer donating to people who do something out their comfort zone for a cause that’s much better researched. For example, a charity that actually was helpful to the person who lost their life rather than the obvious ones.