I am BU, but why?

[Falsenegative]

My mother died suddenly of a heart condition a year ago.

Two of my cousins are fundraising for the British Heart Foundation. They’ve just done a lengthy run for it. I don’t know why, and I know I’m being completely unreasonable, but it annoys me. I can’t stand it coming up on social media and I haven’t donated. My sister and father post supportive comments so it’s definitely problem. Why does it annoy me?

And you don’t need to! Bizarre advice. It helps some people but it’s a very personal thing grief and what is helpful for one might not be for another.

My only advice to you is that you have had a big loss so be kind to yourself. 💐

Could it be that it feels like they're simplifying the problem? Like it can all be fixed with fundraising when that's not the reality of what happened?

I'm sorry about your mum 🌺🌺

Yes! This is it. My mother used to hate the soppy happy birthday/Mother’s Day etc. messages people post on Facebook and would’ve absolutely hated it if I’d posted messages about her on Facebook.

I completely understand. I very recently lost my dad (7 weeks ago). The other day a ‘memory’ popped up on Facebook about an occasion a few years ago with a nice photo of dad. It was totally unexpected and it triggered me. I was upset about it all day. I’ve since changed my settings so I don’t get fb memories.
I’m not surprised you’re feeling this way when you’re unexpectedly confronted with photos of your mum. It’s not about your cousin’s raising money for a good cause at all.
Until your cousins have completed their run you can opt out of seeing their posts on fb.
If you want to, you can still thank them and send a donation.
Sending condolences 💕

Hey OP. My Mum passed 2 years ago and a family member planned to build something in her memory.
From an outside point of view it was a lovely gesture, but I was so angry for weeks and couldn't understand why.

Eventually I realised that I didn't want something pretty to look at. I wanted my Mum. I was grieving, and at the stage where nothing would have made me feel any better. I was mad at the world.

I'm nor saying you have the same train of thought, but I just want you to know that whatever you're feeling is normal and valid. Grief is delicate.

I think you feel they are making it about them, that they've clearly moved on from it to a more positive place and you feel stuck and seeing the posts unexpectedly is them rubbing it in.

It's okay for grief to bring along a whole shed of irrational feelings, be kind to yourself. You are doing the right thing not engaging.

Is it that they’re capitalising on her death for social media posts that make them look good? And also obviously you were a closer relative and it feels like they’re taking control of the public narrative?

I had a similar thing happen and felt exactly the same way.

actually it was even more complex and weird because the dead person was awful in many ways and I felt very conflicted and guilty (as I knew I would feel when I made the decision) because I had very little contact with them in the years immediately before they died.

Most people want to raise money or awareness of a disease that has taken their loved one.

Its ok if you don’t (it doesn’t make you a bad person) but I wonder if the reason as to why you don’t want, is part of the reason you’re so annoyed.

If she was still alive and they were doing this, would you feel better or worse or the same?

Part of working out why we’re feeling a certain way is by working out the things we’re not feeling too.

Grief is very multi dimensional and unfortunately you may not be able to get to the exact route of the problem but hopefully you will be able to get some sort of answers.

If she was still alive they wouldn’t be doing it, so that’s neither here nor there.

I’m not sure most people want to raise money when someone dies. Some, sure, but not most.

OP, from your posts it sounds like your mum didn't do social media, didn't want to do social media and didn't want to be anywhere on social media, but due to their fundraising your cousins are posting your mum all over social media. I think you find this disrespectful to the person your mum was, and you're angry about this. I have family who don't do social media and don't want their photos on social media. I respect that for the ones who are still with us, and still respect if for those who no longer are.

So if this is the reason for your anger, I think that you're not actually being unreasonable, but I'm not sure that you can do anything about it.

Yeah. I don’t think it’s a ‘most people’ thing either.

OP I instinctively know I'd feel exactly the same as you do in this situation. I'm neuro-diverse though which I think would be part of the reason for my unreasonable response. No advice, just solidarity. You're not a bad person. This too will pass.

Because if they wanted to raise money to give to charity, they could just set up a direct debit without the public display and asking others.

Because they're going on a jolly in the name of grief and charity.

Because they've made grieving for your mum all about them, the charity, and the illness - not about your mum.

Because BHF couldn't give a shit about your mum, so why would you care about BHF.

Because the £1-2k they raise will make no material difference to BHF's annual income.

(I work in charity fundraising, but very much not on the community fundraising side because I disagree with it. There's a Radio 4 comedy called Do Gooders that is a not inaccurate representation of the sector.)

@Falsenegative you've had a lot of unfair comments. I lost my mum suddenly and I know I've been so unfair and irrational since - grief can do very strange things to us

You're not being a dick.
My DM passed away 2 years ago, stage 4 cancer.
Dd's friend did Race for Life apparently in memory of my DM, it absolutely irritated the shit out of me.
My DM has died and she's plastered all over FB, it felt like clout chasing / virtue signalling by the friend.
Comments like " oh Hun, what a lovely thing to do" and "so sorry for your loss"
No, it's not her loss, it's my loss.
It became more about the friend than my mum passing away.
These people commenting who didn't even know my DM.
FFS, I just wanted to scream "that's MY mum".
It's personal, the loss of your DM, it's your pain and your loss, everyone else needs to back off.
I understand how you feel but it's difficult to articulate ❤️

Sorry for your loss.

This is exactly how I feel.

My mother died recently from a very different cause. I think I'd be really upset if one of my cousins did something like that.

My reasons would include them not being present much while she was alive, their relative distance from her, the feeling that they would be 'owning' my grief. And probably other reasons I can't articulate.

Some really mean responses here. The OP has not said anything unpleasant to her cousins and simply posted here for help in understanding her feelings.

Honestly, this is why I have told very few people about my feelings over my mother's death. Because too many people are plain nasty.

I'd feel similar

I did a walk the monthly for prostrate cancer at the time ntdad was being treated.

And my posts just said "affected someone close to me". Probably most people could have twigged it was my dad.

But I'd not have used his image /tagged him as that would be not his thing at all. Not mine.

So yes then doing it, using her picture, when your mum would not have appreciated the attention at all is crass. They can still do the race and posts without pictures of your mum.

Do charities get on your nerves? They get on my nerves, especially as its the fat cats at the top who benefit from the donations so i think its pointless. Also, when people are so public about how they are sacrificing themselves to fundraise, it gets under my skin. It feels as though its a bandwagon to jump on.

Sometimes a phonecall, or an effort to meet up is what I appreciate if I've suffered (or in your case, bereavement).

OP, 12 months is nothing in terms of shock and grief.

You must feel she has been hijacked by them.

Far nicer I think to do the run and simply donate to the cause privately.

The type of people who do this are the type of posters who would berate you for not feeling grateful.

Its your mum, not theirs.
The only person who can choose to do this, is a sibling of yours, other than that, I think it is too soon and very off.

I lost someone very close a few years ago and I remember the physical pain in my chest when a picture of her would unexpectedly pop up.

Definitely mute them and mind yourself.

Charities don’t get my my nerves, but I’ll admit that people asking for donations always has.

I kind of get it and kind of think you are being a bit silly. But I also get it. Grief isn’t rational.

My cousin (still apparently) posts exactly how many weeks it’s been since my mum died. With a photo talking about how devastated she is. No fundraising no nothing.It fucked me off so I unfriended her. That cause an argument and she told me I was prioritising my own grief over hers. Well yes of course I fucking was. She was my mum.

it wasn’t until cousins Dad told her to back off that she did. I did feel like she was exploiting mum’s death for attention.

However, in this situation, they are posting for a reason and doing something really worth while. If they liked running before, now they are doing to bring some good into the world and your father and sister support them.

To protect yourself I would suggest hiding their posts.

Are you generally a private person? I don't think I would like it either.

I know exactly how you feel x