Worried my DDs mum is going to move her away.

[matt08]

Hi.

I am a single dad looking for some advice on my current situation with my daughter and her mum, i apologise if its in the wrong area etc, im new, I hope this is okay.

I share 50/50 custody of my 4 year old daughter with her mum, I ended the relationship when DD was 14 months old, I did this as my ex would not allow me anywhere near my daughter when we were together, I never got to hold her as a newborn, I never got to pick out any clothes for her or give her a bath, read to her etc, anytime i picked her up she would be taken out of my arms and i would angrily be told that babies need their mum.

I thought it would get easier as she got older but by the time she was one years old I still had barely held her, my ex wouldn't part with her for even 5 minutes, refused to put her down, constantly on her hip, I tried to do bedtime, bath time , nappies, walks but was told no on every occasion, if I walked in to the room and tried to engage with or pick up DD she would quickly be swooped away.

I realised that the only way I would ever get any involvement in her life was if I ended the relationship and got some form of custody, by time time DD was 2 years 10 months old I had 50/50, when I had DD I will allow facetime and send pictures if wanted, these are very much wanted by my ex, but on her time I'm allowed none of this, she didn't even let me know when she had to take her to A&E.

Now the problem I am currently having is that over the last 3 weeks when dropping DD off to her mums she's been very upset, crying, being clingy, saying she doesn't want to leave me and saying she will never see me again, she's developed a fear that she's not going to see me again, I'm very worried about this, ex can't stand sharing her with anyone, she just wants it to be her and DD, she doesn't even take her to visit her family, I don't know where DD has got this idea of never seeing me again, I'm incredibly worried ex has put this in to her head, I'm worried she might plan to move away with her, I can absolutely see her just taking off one day and moving miles away, maybe not even telling me.

Has anyone any experience with this? Is it allowed? Is one parent allowed to just move away. I have a great relationship with my DD and it would destroy me to be apart from her, I very much want to be on friend terms with my ex but she's not inrested, I always give her updates of DD, I'm happy to change days for birthdays, mother day etc and even though I'm not required to pay any maintenance I still transfer her a monthly amount, i do eveything i can to make this an easy situation, I'm now left fearing I'm going to loose my daughter, and if she does end up being moved away how I would still have a relationship with her.

Go to court and get an order that officially gives you 50/50 residency. Then if she wanted to move she’d have to apply to court.

Is the contact court ordered? She can technically move away but most judges will see it as the parent who moved away's responsibility to facilitate contact ie she would have to come back to enable you to see your daughter.

I'm so sorry for you though. If it's not court ordered then do that

Crikey. She sounds awful.
2 year olds do get separation anxiety though, so don't worry overly about that bit.

Yes, it's court ordered. To begin with, it was not 50/50, but when DD was 2 years & 10 months old, I was gratned 50/50 custody.

She used to be lovely. Unfortunately, when DD was born, she just became very obsessive over her. DD is actually 4 years old now and has only started this behaviour in the last 3 weeks.

Has she just started school? This could be unsettling her.

Was also thinking that the transition to big school might be throwing her off balance. Keep calm and it should pass.

If your ex tries to do this you can apply for a prohibited steps order to prevent a move (I would strongly suggest mediation before going down this path). However, if you have a court order already, as you describe, and she tried to alienate and prevent contact then she would be in breach and the court would take a very dim view. Do you have support?

Sorry, I misread the 2.

If she used to be lovely, plus the way she treats her dd, is she having - permanently since she was born - some kind of mental health issues?

No school yet. She is still in nursery.

I was exactly like your ex when my DC was born. I didn't let anyone hold her or do anything, including dad! Looking back it probably was mental Heath and anxiety induced. Did you explore this with your ex before leaving ?

She can't just leave with the DC and not tell you where she is. Would she even have the facility to do this ? You would have to go back to court if she did. It sounds like your DC is most likely going through a phase.

Surely she has some kind of MH issue for which she needs treatment? Something on the anxiety spectrum.

When DD was a baby I spoke with the health visitor about this, I just shared my worries about her behaviour as I also thought she could be struggling/ill, i left the room and the health visitor spoke with her but said she was fine and had no worries, there's no other signs of her being unwell other than her being reluctant to be parted from DD

Luckily for now, she is reluctantly sticking to the court order. I have a lot of family support and also the support of exs family as I take DD to visit them as ex very rarely does, I'm just worried that she will take off one night and I wouldn't even know about it.

This is a real long shot but does your ex have any friends she truly trusts that you also get along with? If she is obsessive about DD to the point where DD's life and your ex's life are going to be negatively impacted, could a gentle word from someone with her best interests at heart help the situation?

Based only on this thread, it sounds like the poor woman is in a really bad place and as frustrating/scary as it feels for you, it might be equally scary for both her and DD, and probably won't get better on its own.

Edit: I don't mean to say that compassion should override your rights to parent your daughter. I'm just looking for low-key ways to help you find peace of mind before it gets legal and brutal for full custody by having her painted as mentally unfit (which may end up being the only option)

If she moves away, go back to court to ensure that she has to facilitate all the travel time for your 50% and that her school needs to be local to you to ensure that your equal time continues without your daughter being too tired to be with you during the week. Basically, if she moves you need to ensure all of the inconvenience for it is on her and not you or your time with your daughter.

I wouldn't say a best friend or anything like that, but I do know she has some ladies she goes for coffee, meals with, etc. Health visitor has spoken with her etc and says she has no worries, I've tried speaking with her but she's not inrested in hearing anything I have to say, I feel powerless as to what is best for me to do.

Awww this all sounds incredibly sad. I know you don’t want to hear this OP but I mainly feel for your ex. It sounds like something flipped for her mentally when baby was born and now she’s very protective and anxious. I wonder if there was any way you could have worked this through other than splitting up. Then you could have both seen your daughter lots more together. I just feel so sad for you all

It hurts my feminist heart to say this but I think you need to quietly lay the groundwork for full custody.

Speak to a lawyer and ask them what the process is for ensuring a possibly-unstable parent can't become a kind of flight risk.

He hadn't even held her by the time she was 14 months old. How much longer should he have waited?

Yes that’s a long time but I just feel there should have been many attempts at calmly talking it through ‘dd is both our child, I will look after her keep her safe / learn how to do things your way at the beginning / do things together / she would never get hurt / I will take excellent care of her etc etc etc’ I would go on til the cows come home

Honestly I didn't just walk away, I tried so hard, I spent many mights crying in bed about not being able to even hold my baby, I spoke with the health visitor who said she was fine and had no worries, ex just seems to have this obsession of her and DD being be friends and having this perfect mother daughger relationship that led to me not even getting a look in, i ran out of options and had to make the hard decision of leaving the person I loved just so I could be involved in my daughters life.

@matt08 I feel so sorry for you. It must have been awful. I think you should investigate going for full custody

He hadn't even held her by the time she was 14 months old. How much longer should he have waited?

He should have done something much much earlier. Cuddled baby together, shared bath time, both fed baby etc. And a lot of health visitors aren't much good so just accepting things based on one health visitor saying she seemed ok seems somewhat remiss. If his account of the first year is true it seems pretty obvious she had some quite severed PPD.

However that water is now under the bridge.

That's helpful. Thank you