Worried my DDs mum is going to move her away.

[matt08]

Hi.

I am a single dad looking for some advice on my current situation with my daughter and her mum, i apologise if its in the wrong area etc, im new, I hope this is okay.

I share 50/50 custody of my 4 year old daughter with her mum, I ended the relationship when DD was 14 months old, I did this as my ex would not allow me anywhere near my daughter when we were together, I never got to hold her as a newborn, I never got to pick out any clothes for her or give her a bath, read to her etc, anytime i picked her up she would be taken out of my arms and i would angrily be told that babies need their mum.

I thought it would get easier as she got older but by the time she was one years old I still had barely held her, my ex wouldn't part with her for even 5 minutes, refused to put her down, constantly on her hip, I tried to do bedtime, bath time , nappies, walks but was told no on every occasion, if I walked in to the room and tried to engage with or pick up DD she would quickly be swooped away.

I realised that the only way I would ever get any involvement in her life was if I ended the relationship and got some form of custody, by time time DD was 2 years 10 months old I had 50/50, when I had DD I will allow facetime and send pictures if wanted, these are very much wanted by my ex, but on her time I'm allowed none of this, she didn't even let me know when she had to take her to A&E.

Now the problem I am currently having is that over the last 3 weeks when dropping DD off to her mums she's been very upset, crying, being clingy, saying she doesn't want to leave me and saying she will never see me again, she's developed a fear that she's not going to see me again, I'm very worried about this, ex can't stand sharing her with anyone, she just wants it to be her and DD, she doesn't even take her to visit her family, I don't know where DD has got this idea of never seeing me again, I'm incredibly worried ex has put this in to her head, I'm worried she might plan to move away with her, I can absolutely see her just taking off one day and moving miles away, maybe not even telling me.

Has anyone any experience with this? Is it allowed? Is one parent allowed to just move away. I have a great relationship with my DD and it would destroy me to be apart from her, I very much want to be on friend terms with my ex but she's not inrested, I always give her updates of DD, I'm happy to change days for birthdays, mother day etc and even though I'm not required to pay any maintenance I still transfer her a monthly amount, i do eveything i can to make this an easy situation, I'm now left fearing I'm going to loose my daughter, and if she does end up being moved away how I would still have a relationship with her.

This is not something we have tried. This is helpful advice. Thank you.

I think you would have to be absolutely heartless to go for full custody. This is the desperate mums worst nightmare and possibly the root of all her anxiety. Which I agree is misplaced and she hasn’t handled it well. It could absolutely destroy her.

50:50 sounds like the best of both worlds, a bit of mum and a bit of dad.

This is such a sad post, clearly your ex has mh issues and I'm worried about what will happen to her if you do get full custody. Her whole world has become your dd to the most extreme and for her to lose 50:50, it's so sad. I feel for her and your dd but with things the way it is, it's not in your dd's best interest to live like this. I hope everything works out.

It definitely sounds like a mental health illness & health visitors are not the best at spotting this.
If, what you say is true about your ex, it sounds like she needs support. What have you done to help her?

This sounds like an awful situation 😞 your ex's anxiety is going to have a detrimental effect on your little one's development if she is isolating her from other people, it's very unhealthy. I would get some legal advice now about schooling and your worries about her taking off with DD. It doesn't sound like your worries are unfounded. Please think about applying for full custody. And if you have to go to court, possibly push for a psychiatric evaluation of the child's mother.

I tired for 14 months to help her and have continued to try and have a discussion with her she's not interested, I've gotten her family involved etc she just wants to be alone with DD, I doing evything I can but my priority is my daughter, its difficult to help someone who doesn't want help

It's a horrible situation. If I need to go back to court, then I'm going to need to financially stop supporting my ex to the extent that I am, as I can't afford to do both.

This is very sad. If you haven't already check the timeline for school applications. It will be on the Local Authority website. I am taking this post at face value so would be concerned that your DD seems to feel she may not see you in the future. It may be just a general anxiety but perhaps your exw has said something to her. So take some legal advice. Start the ball rolling soon.

I think you're possibly conflating two issues here. I completely get the fear but the court work on an evidential and best interests of the child. If you have no actual physical evidence of your ex wanting to move away the court won't grant a PSO.

Your ex, however reluctantly is sticking to the Court order.

You're conflating the fact she doesn't want to be on friendly terms with you with the fact she's a potential flight risk and potentially catastrophising that she's ready to take off with your daughter.

The court see it as having an equal relationship with both parents as being in your daughters best interests, going for full residence when there's no abuse or neglect is only depriving your daughter of a full relationship with her mother, especially as you have no physical evidence.

Why don't you just work on continuing to reassure your daughter you're not going anywhere, its common for children to have separation anxiety.

Maybe he did try that… say, once a week, for a year???

I don't understand why you are financially supporting your ex as you have 50:50 care. It seems that you, with your extended support backup from both sides of your DD's family, will provide the best upbringing for DD. Maybe going for full custody will be the shock ex needs to get the help she clearly needs.

I think you’d have to be heartless not to consider it. It’s exceedingly sad for the mother, but no one can help her if she isn’t willing to get help. The child is far more vulnerable in this situation and unable to help herself. Leaving her with someone who is not acting in her best interests is not something a good parent should do if they can avoid it.

This is not something we have tried. This is helpful advice. Thank you.

How did you manage to get the current court order without mediation then? It's compulsory to attempt or get mediator approved exemption from.

If these things occurred to you why don’t you think they wouldn’t have occurred to OP, the father and partner?

Would you have made the jibe about crying to a woman who has been denied the right to hold her baby for 14 months by the father?

I agree with this.

She’s 4 this is a really common age for separation anxiety and regression. I see it in my class all the time. She’s probably just going through this.

I don’t see any safeguarding issues or flight risk hints, I see two parents that just have very different preferred parenting styles. I hate to say it but she doesn’t owe you her friendship, and if she doesn’t want to share her daughter with anyone on her time then leave her to it.

She’s clearly getting that social interaction and familial connection when with you. That’s fine, and more than enough at 50% of the time and with nursery too.

You have PR so you have every right to take the schooling issue to mediation then court and see what they decide. Maybe there could be a compromise, forest school for example? Home schooling with day camps and groups? You both have a right to put forward your views on the matter.

I think your relationship with ex’s family is important here. You say your ex will see them without DD and they feel similarly isolated from their grandchild?
I think the homeschooling is the hill to die on, as it’s bringing everything to a head. Can you speak to ex’s family and discuss how you can all approach this with her? Is there any chance of all getting through from a place of concern for her ?
I’m sure she’ll feel attacked and defensive. But I’d try to find allies and “evidence” in this situation to demonstrate it is unhealthy, ideally to your ex who could seek help, but worst case if not courts etc.

How much do you actually know about Scots family law?

To answer your question, no, this isn’t allowed. If you have reason to suspect that your ex is planning to relocate with your DD (to a distance that would change contact arrangements) then you should make an application for a c100 (prohibited steps order) to prevent her moving your DD. However, unless there’s information missing from your posts, I am not sure how successful you’ll be simply based on your daughter struggling with the handovers, and your views on your ex. I think your DDs reaction isn’t that surprising with 50/50 shared care at that age. Obviously it’s great that she gets to spend lots of time with you both, but imagine even as an adult if you were moving to a different house every few days / week, you might well struggle to feel settled at times.

Could it be that perhaps you are now very anxious about losing your daughter, due to your ex’s behaviour when you were together? As surely if she was planning to do this without your knowledge then the last thing she would do is tell your daughter this early, and risk her telling you (or nursery) and therefore allow you the opportunity to stop her via the courts?

Definitely go for full custody, with the view of going back to 50/50 once your ex has addressed her issues.

Whether it's a mental health issue or not and you getting full custody will affect your ex, it's damaging for your daughter and this outweighs anything else.

As her parent you have the responsibility of looking out for your daughter's best interests. Homeschooling in this situation will turn your daughter into more of a hermit.

I have a just turned 4 year old in England who has just started school. They have gone from happily going to sleep on their own in their own bed and sleeping all night to refusing to sleep in own bed, struggling to get to sleep and waking at least twice. I’ve also got a clingy child who wants carrying everywhere. All was fine a few weeks ago. In my case I think it’s starting school but with four year olds it can be anything. So I wouldn’t read too much into the clingyness and are you only hearing about what she does with her mum from your daughter? If you ask mine what they’ve done it’s a long way from what we actually did.

Does your ex work? Sounds like it as your daughter is in nursery. The mom may or may not have anxiety, it might he something else like a personality disorder.

It may also be that he was an abusive arse who refused to change a nappy, fucked off with the OW, took her to court for 50/50 and is painting a picture of instability (despite the lack of actual evidence) to get full residency.

Read between the lines people.

That maybe true as well, titchy.

Nope you're wrong. It's not mandatory in Scotland.

You are ridiculous 🤣