Worried my DDs mum is going to move her away.

[matt08]

Hi.

I am a single dad looking for some advice on my current situation with my daughter and her mum, i apologise if its in the wrong area etc, im new, I hope this is okay.

I share 50/50 custody of my 4 year old daughter with her mum, I ended the relationship when DD was 14 months old, I did this as my ex would not allow me anywhere near my daughter when we were together, I never got to hold her as a newborn, I never got to pick out any clothes for her or give her a bath, read to her etc, anytime i picked her up she would be taken out of my arms and i would angrily be told that babies need their mum.

I thought it would get easier as she got older but by the time she was one years old I still had barely held her, my ex wouldn't part with her for even 5 minutes, refused to put her down, constantly on her hip, I tried to do bedtime, bath time , nappies, walks but was told no on every occasion, if I walked in to the room and tried to engage with or pick up DD she would quickly be swooped away.

I realised that the only way I would ever get any involvement in her life was if I ended the relationship and got some form of custody, by time time DD was 2 years 10 months old I had 50/50, when I had DD I will allow facetime and send pictures if wanted, these are very much wanted by my ex, but on her time I'm allowed none of this, she didn't even let me know when she had to take her to A&E.

Now the problem I am currently having is that over the last 3 weeks when dropping DD off to her mums she's been very upset, crying, being clingy, saying she doesn't want to leave me and saying she will never see me again, she's developed a fear that she's not going to see me again, I'm very worried about this, ex can't stand sharing her with anyone, she just wants it to be her and DD, she doesn't even take her to visit her family, I don't know where DD has got this idea of never seeing me again, I'm incredibly worried ex has put this in to her head, I'm worried she might plan to move away with her, I can absolutely see her just taking off one day and moving miles away, maybe not even telling me.

Has anyone any experience with this? Is it allowed? Is one parent allowed to just move away. I have a great relationship with my DD and it would destroy me to be apart from her, I very much want to be on friend terms with my ex but she's not inrested, I always give her updates of DD, I'm happy to change days for birthdays, mother day etc and even though I'm not required to pay any maintenance I still transfer her a monthly amount, i do eveything i can to make this an easy situation, I'm now left fearing I'm going to loose my daughter, and if she does end up being moved away how I would still have a relationship with her.

It hurts my feminist heart to say this but I think you need to quietly lay the groundwork for full custody.

On the basis of what? Pre-school kid is going through a clingy unsettled phase - she's only just 4 - kids do that. Kid goes to nursery, she isn't isolated while in her mother's care. There's absolutely no evidence of anything that would suggest she is planning a moonlight flit.

Have you talked about school applications yet?

Nursery is the only time she gets out of the house whilst in her mother's care. This is a whole other issue. She wants to home school DD and I'm against that as it will just be more isolation for DD, there's no valid reason to home school her as she's very social and enjoys nursery.

So when your daughter is with you, she spends time with you as well as with her grandparents - both sides? - and yourself and presumably has family friends she sees during this time too, so quite a varied social mix during your 50%?

But when she is with Mum, she literally only sees Mum? What type of stuff do they do together? Would they leave the house much?

I feel so sad for you that it has come to this, but at least your daughter has one stable parent. I echo concerns that she has some mental health issues.

What do her own parents and family make of her isolation?

I wonder if it might be worth raising this with nursery and letting them know confidentially of your concerns, particularly on days when it is Mum’s 50% - you could ask that you are given a call if ever daughter is unexpectedly not brought to nursery etc? If Mum didn’t inform
you of an A&E trip, might be worth asking nursery if they could keep you across any concerns they observe?

Gosh, cross post. That is very worrying that when with Mum they literally only go to nursery. It feels like this will get worse I’m afraid to say, and I echo comments that it might be worth looking at full custody - is there a way one parent can stop the other parent from home schooling otherwise?

Only based on the information OP has shared here, especially about mum not feeling comfortable with her then-partner (OP) doing any of the care for DD.

There may be a huge unrelated chunk of information we are not privy to, but I am taking the post at face value.

What would you do if your partner didn't let you change a nappy or hold your baby?

She rarely takes DD out, but DD tells me about things she does at home with mum, so I do know that she does indoor activities with her, such as baking, drawing, etc. I make sure she goes to things such as swimming, play centres, etc, when with me but can't join her up to any clubs as ex won't take her to them. Her family are sad about her isolating DD from them and have tried to speak to her but ex will only go visit her family on the days she doesn't have DD, my family are equally as upset as they really liked ex and are sad about the current situation.

We have friends where the Dad is going through a similar situation. Still with his wife for now but wondering how much longer he can take it. It’s so sad.

It's a sad situation, I stayed to begin with as I was terrified the courts would only grant me weekend access, even though I wasn't allowed any involvement when with ex at least I still got to look at DD everyday, even now not getting to see her everyday kills me but the days I do have with her are wonderful.i hope your friends situation improves.

Gosh, cross post. That is very worrying that when with Mum they literally only go to nursery.

I'm pretty sure she also goes to the park, supermarket, clothes shopping etc with her mother. And she goes to nursery - that isn't the action of a mother desperate to keep her child away from everyone.

What would you do if your partner didn't let you change a nappy or hold your baby?

Recognise it as severe anxiety/PPD and seek appropriate support.

Sit with partner so we could hold baby together, sit next to partner while they changed the nappy and passed wipes, cream etc entertaining baby. Stroke baby's arms and legs while partner held baby. Played peekaboo while partner held baby. Read to baby while partner held her. Played with baby while partner bathed them, splashing, washing an arm etc etc etc.

Not spend the nights crying then walking out taking other parent court for sole custody.

I tried all of this for 14 months, and trying to shame me for crying isn't very nice. I tried sitting with her, talking to her, asking if she needed help, I made suggestions etc she wasn't interested in any of it. I spoke with health visitor and her family, I walked away after 14 months so that I could be in my daughters life, when she's with her mum she's in the house all day because she doesn't want to share her with any other family, when she's with me, she's with family swimming, pkay centres, meals out etc, playing with cousins, as sad as it is for my ex my priority is my daughter

Agree with others, you need to go for full custody. You are the only parent providing a normal life for her. Her life cannot be this small when she clearly has people in it who love her and want a relationship with her.

Ex does sound unwell but unless she admits that herself I dont see that your helpless DD should continue to suffer.

This is one of the saddest posts I’ve read here.. I don’t know about full custody but I’d definitely be ensuring that she isn’t home schooled. That would destroy your 50:50 arrangement and I’m sure the courts wouldn’t allow it.

No he doesn’t need to go for full custody.

I fear that's her plan, to use home schooling so she will be required to be with her more, unfortunately it looks like i will need to take it back to court if we can't agree on school.

I wonder if you can get a prohibitive steps order both to prevent homeschooling and to stop her moving DD away.

I think it's worth investigating so you can apply for her reception place on time etc.

The child is 4, it’s proven early years are so important to have a main caregiver. She has many years to develop, she’s 4. I’m not saying mum isn’t wrong but the dad shouldn’t be having full custody. It should stay split. You say yourself that mum has kept to plan so no reason to take back to court yet.

I'm going to need to go back to court to ensure my daughter is given the chance to go to school and not home schooled by her mum

Thank you. I will look in to this.

Why ?

Did you ever try mediation? If she's going to school next year you'll need to apply to school soon so you need to resolve that one. You could write to her saying that you want to consider mediation because of this issue and your daughter's recent anxiety about being apart from you. You could explain not having communication is making you concerned about any moving plans and specifically we've in putting in writing that you don't agree any moves that would affect the shared care. Is there anything in your previous order about not moving away? But overall she can't just relocate without your agreement. I'm mainly suggesting you write about mediation because it gives you a non confrontational way to put in wiring you don't agree with her moving. It's a really sad situation but not an obvious one where they would suggest sole care to you.

She doesn’t get to decide schooling on her own. If you can’t come to an agreement between you about your DD’s schooling (and I agree with others that homeschooling sounds like a very poor choice for your DD) then you can apply to the court for a specific issue order. If you can afford it, legal advice would be valuable on this but you can do it yourself, there is a lot of information online about what forms you need to complete and how to construct your argument for the court. I highly doubt a judge would side with your ex on this. The legal issues board on MN has a couple of good lawyers on it who can be really helpful.

Has your DD just turned 4? Most 4 year olds in England and Wales would be in school now. Wondering whether your ex has been trying to make homeschooling more likely by avoiding applying?

Go for full custody this does not sound healthy she's going to do some mental damage to your daughter over time
If not already done

We are in scotland. Yes, she's only just turned 4

You will need to apply to a school this year so I would still do the application. Check the deadline for these.

Your ex clearly has MH issues and it sounds like home schooling could be a really bad choice for your DD and not in her best interests.

I'd also be looking at pushing for full custody if she insists on home schooling.