Worried my DDs mum is going to move her away.

[matt08]

Hi.

I am a single dad looking for some advice on my current situation with my daughter and her mum, i apologise if its in the wrong area etc, im new, I hope this is okay.

I share 50/50 custody of my 4 year old daughter with her mum, I ended the relationship when DD was 14 months old, I did this as my ex would not allow me anywhere near my daughter when we were together, I never got to hold her as a newborn, I never got to pick out any clothes for her or give her a bath, read to her etc, anytime i picked her up she would be taken out of my arms and i would angrily be told that babies need their mum.

I thought it would get easier as she got older but by the time she was one years old I still had barely held her, my ex wouldn't part with her for even 5 minutes, refused to put her down, constantly on her hip, I tried to do bedtime, bath time , nappies, walks but was told no on every occasion, if I walked in to the room and tried to engage with or pick up DD she would quickly be swooped away.

I realised that the only way I would ever get any involvement in her life was if I ended the relationship and got some form of custody, by time time DD was 2 years 10 months old I had 50/50, when I had DD I will allow facetime and send pictures if wanted, these are very much wanted by my ex, but on her time I'm allowed none of this, she didn't even let me know when she had to take her to A&E.

Now the problem I am currently having is that over the last 3 weeks when dropping DD off to her mums she's been very upset, crying, being clingy, saying she doesn't want to leave me and saying she will never see me again, she's developed a fear that she's not going to see me again, I'm very worried about this, ex can't stand sharing her with anyone, she just wants it to be her and DD, she doesn't even take her to visit her family, I don't know where DD has got this idea of never seeing me again, I'm incredibly worried ex has put this in to her head, I'm worried she might plan to move away with her, I can absolutely see her just taking off one day and moving miles away, maybe not even telling me.

Has anyone any experience with this? Is it allowed? Is one parent allowed to just move away. I have a great relationship with my DD and it would destroy me to be apart from her, I very much want to be on friend terms with my ex but she's not inrested, I always give her updates of DD, I'm happy to change days for birthdays, mother day etc and even though I'm not required to pay any maintenance I still transfer her a monthly amount, i do eveything i can to make this an easy situation, I'm now left fearing I'm going to loose my daughter, and if she does end up being moved away how I would still have a relationship with her.

Didn't realise OP was in Scotland - fair comment regarding the need for mediation then.

My DH's mother was like this. With all 3 of her sons. Enmeshment. She isolated them from their dad who tried hard to see them, but she'd cancel his visits and poison them against him. She'd sulk for days if they came back happy having seen him. It was only at 35 when his dad got sick he found the letters he had sent his mum had hidden. She isolated them from wider family. She kept them off school. She never let them have friends over and they were all so codependent they lived with her well into their 30s. When I met DH, he had secretly started therapy and had left her and cut contact. His mum would call with an emergency everyday when she found out about me. She was like that with his brothers' partners too.

We suspect she has BPD. But whatever it was, she ruined her children's lives because she never got treatment and was so isolated from people and family no one could talk her into it. His dad told me how hard he'd tried to get them away from her but failed and wished he's gotten full custody but hadn't realised how bad it was at home. No one did. Women like this will never get better without treatment and frankly your daughter's health matters more than your ex. Maybe it's separation anxiety but given the history and the isolation - it's likely your ex has severe problems that won't just improve on their own. If you can, get custody - a happy child is one who grows up with an emotionally healthy and balanced parent who prioritises their well being. Not a parent who uses them as a shield against the world.

I'd be really concerned by the talk of home schooling if she's already trying to isolate her from her family, especially after what she did tp you. This is actually sounding very disturbing.

You’re right overstepping boundaries - sounds horrid for your ex.

I'm pretty sure she also goes to the park, supermarket, clothes shopping etc with her mother.

How are you sure? Not heard of online shopping? This little girl’s home life with her mother sounds unhealthy.

@Chillimuma

ehy are you assuming there wasn't????

I’m glad it’s not just me that thought it was odd that he was facilitating contact with his EXs family.

I know several people who have chosen to go low contact with their parents/ siblings for what they feel are good reasons. My exH in fact chose as an adult to do so with his father, whilst I do not fully understand his reasoning, I accept that I do not have his lived childhood experience. It would be very undermining (and confusing for the DC) if I started facilitating contact with our DC and his father. This to me is one of those posts where I would love to hear the other sides version of events.

As you are in Scotland you have a bit of time because registration for P1is in February . generally most kids go to catchment school unless you specifically make a placement request but it may or may not be granted. Just check which is nearest school to both your addresses

I don't think you should go for full custody.

1. Your daughter has, by your own admission been very attached to her mother and she would likely find much less time with mum traumatic.

1. Your DD has a normal life and activities with you. I think that balances out things.

I think as she gets older DD will naturally start pushing back against mum's excessive control. I don't think it's going to go well for mum, once DD wises up. You have to be patient and wait for DD to start developing her own sense of self. With you in the picture to facilitate this, I think things will naturally work out, and DD will realise you are sane parent. Resist the temptation to try and control or manipulate the situation to your advantage now. I have seen this time and again when good parent tries to jump the gun because witless parent isn't correct, the children grow up actually wanting to understand the witless parent more because they haven't been given the opportunity to work it out for themselves.

Regarding homeschooling: I can see why you're concerned, but again, you can mitigate this if you still have 50/50 and can take DD to social activities. In fact you can participate in the HS by joining all the online Home school groups and taking DD to them and joining the activities and outings. This might be read as cooperative with your ex. Might.

You might tell your ex you will agree to HS provided you can also be fully involved.

It's interesting that you describe the situation as bring extremely dysfunctional. Presumably going by two previous posts here of first hand experience, your ex has a real mental illness that is untreated and that you are concerned is detrimental to your DD, but you have only ever discussed this with one Health Visitor and never attempted to contact social services, or her doctor or anything else. Instead you broke up with your ex, presumably putting your DD entirely at her mercy whilst in the house. That is strange to me. I cannot see a mother ever doing that. Most mothers would stay for the sake of the child or take their child with them and get them entirely away from the father or report to SS. So I can only conclude that the situation isn't actually as severe as you describe and she is reasonable to a degree.

Wow, big jump. Are you projecting? I can’t see these lines you mention. Should we quadruple guess every post on here? Because there’s no point engaging if we’re just going to cast serious doubt on what the OP is saying when we have no evidence of it.

The ex sees her own family without the child, which can mean a number of things, including that the family isn’t good news but she hasn’t gone LC/NC for whatever reason but wants to protect her child from them and everything in between to there not being any issues with the ex’s family’s behaviour.

I’m NC with my family, my mother doesn’t even know I have a child, so I’m not being naive.

But I do agree that when it comes to the ex’s family it’s not actually his call to make

Oh dear, hour ex is very mistaken if she really believes this will be the outcome of her behaviour.

Once your daughter is old enough to fully understand what has been happening, she might find she loses her altogether.

I would consider contacting social services

I'm pretty sure she also goes to the park, supermarket, clothes shopping etc with her mother.

Based on what?

I'm not saying you're wrong but what have you based this on?

I think you should stop doing that. It's her choice if her family are involved.

Yes for all we know she orders everything online and never goes to the park.

Yes the “being best friends” is entirely inappropriate. Post above about pp’s DH’s mum with BPD isolating her 3 sons and pp’s DH going NC after coming out of the enmeshment is very relevant here.

my own mother didn’t want to be a parent but wanted me to be her bestie. Very unhealthy and confusing dynamic for a child.

Normal life? Normal life varies greatly from family to family. The child goes to nursery, and spends half her time with dad, she's not stuck inside with mum all the time. This is just a different approach to parenting. It is also fine for a parent not to want their child to spend time with particular people for their own reasons - rarely would a court grant grandparents access to a child, for example, because it's up to parents to decide what they want/who they want foemr their child. She may well have good reason to keep her parents away that the OP is unaware of.

The odd thing here, I think is that the health visitor doesn't think there's an issue. Because clearly if the OPncouldn't get to hold his child in 14 months, something is wrong. The key will be getting the diagnosis to be able to move forwards with full residence. Only a good solicitor is going to be able to help with that.

I would suggest keeping a diary of a things said, date, time, context as it will all merge intothe same thing if not careful. Voice concerns with nursery. Speak directly with the GP. Get your concerns on record. But I think if your daughter is meeting milestones, is generally happy, you are going to have an uphill struggle to gain residence.

An extremely sad post. You need to go for full custody as the mother appears to not be acting in tge best interests of the child.

In the meantime the school situation needs addressing sooner rather than later.

You'd really just accept NEVER holding your own child!

I doubt social services would see a very clingy mother as a serious and immediate enough risk for them to be involved. The bar is pretty high.

OP, while I understand your concerns I'd park the worries about her moving away until/unless you hear anything a bit more concrete. I would, however, start the ball rolling on school choice. The clock is ticking on that.

You mentioned earlier that you are paying your ex some form of maintenance. Can I ask why? Does she not work?

"she's been very upset, crying, being clingy, saying she doesn't want to leave me and saying she will never see me again, she's developed a fear that she's not going to see me again,"

In OP's situation, that would concern me. Separation anxiety is one thing, but I'd be concerned about where she's got the idea that she'll never see him again.

OP, I wonder if it's be possible to have a gentle conversation with her about why she was upset last time you dropped her off, and why she thinks she wouldn't see you again?

The OP is painting it as pathological, not merely clingy, but it doesn't chime with her allowing the child to be in nursery. Neither nursery or school is compulsory.

I would go to court for full residence and e/o weekend contact with mum. She still needs a relationship with her mother Sorry this does not sound healthy