Worried my DDs mum is going to move her away.

[matt08]

Hi.

I am a single dad looking for some advice on my current situation with my daughter and her mum, i apologise if its in the wrong area etc, im new, I hope this is okay.

I share 50/50 custody of my 4 year old daughter with her mum, I ended the relationship when DD was 14 months old, I did this as my ex would not allow me anywhere near my daughter when we were together, I never got to hold her as a newborn, I never got to pick out any clothes for her or give her a bath, read to her etc, anytime i picked her up she would be taken out of my arms and i would angrily be told that babies need their mum.

I thought it would get easier as she got older but by the time she was one years old I still had barely held her, my ex wouldn't part with her for even 5 minutes, refused to put her down, constantly on her hip, I tried to do bedtime, bath time , nappies, walks but was told no on every occasion, if I walked in to the room and tried to engage with or pick up DD she would quickly be swooped away.

I realised that the only way I would ever get any involvement in her life was if I ended the relationship and got some form of custody, by time time DD was 2 years 10 months old I had 50/50, when I had DD I will allow facetime and send pictures if wanted, these are very much wanted by my ex, but on her time I'm allowed none of this, she didn't even let me know when she had to take her to A&E.

Now the problem I am currently having is that over the last 3 weeks when dropping DD off to her mums she's been very upset, crying, being clingy, saying she doesn't want to leave me and saying she will never see me again, she's developed a fear that she's not going to see me again, I'm very worried about this, ex can't stand sharing her with anyone, she just wants it to be her and DD, she doesn't even take her to visit her family, I don't know where DD has got this idea of never seeing me again, I'm incredibly worried ex has put this in to her head, I'm worried she might plan to move away with her, I can absolutely see her just taking off one day and moving miles away, maybe not even telling me.

Has anyone any experience with this? Is it allowed? Is one parent allowed to just move away. I have a great relationship with my DD and it would destroy me to be apart from her, I very much want to be on friend terms with my ex but she's not inrested, I always give her updates of DD, I'm happy to change days for birthdays, mother day etc and even though I'm not required to pay any maintenance I still transfer her a monthly amount, i do eveything i can to make this an easy situation, I'm now left fearing I'm going to loose my daughter, and if she does end up being moved away how I would still have a relationship with her.

mumsnet and so many of you advocating for the dad to have full control and take a child away from their mum. There is no signs apart from a typical 4 year old struggling with having 2 homes (dad decided this) and going to nursery . Anxiety at change over is normal and a 4 year old hasn’t developed enough to explain or Understand their feelings. It also sounds like parents are anxious too, so no wonder.

mum might want to spend all her time with her child when she has her, but this is also okay if she’s in 50/50 care and at nursery .
We know the importance of having a main caregiver with a developing brain and how it impacts the child’s development in to adulthood.
there will no damage done to this child from spending the first year of her life with her mum.
it’s really sad she couldn’t share with the dad and I do sympathise and It does sound like he tried. But it’s 50/50 now and there’s been no sign of it not working. except dad thinking she might homeschool and he should to go straight to court.
it will be a lot worse to fight in court at age 5 about full custody. Imagine as a mum if you lost custody of your child. I honestly can’t believe this thread.

You really need to right this hard, homeschooling in this situation has disaster written all over it. Your ex sounds incredibly unwell.

i have a former friend who did similar with her two kids - became incredibly obsessive and wouldn’t let them go anywhere or do anything. Switched to homeschooling. The kids are now hitting teenage years, never leave the house and have been diagnosed with a whole hoast of stuff. I’m no professional but I’d wager FDIA for that friend (Munchausen by proxy).

Whatever you do, keep your daughter in school, it will be so much healthier and more balanced for you.

Also anyone upthread criticising you for crying or “not working it out” really needs to give themselves a shake. They’d never criticise a woman for doing what you’ve done.

Well done for doing what’s best for your daughter and not staying in an abusive marriage (because yes, it was abusive).

This. It's not in the best interests of the child.

Plus based on what is written here he would never get it.

It certainly isn't for his daughter though. Any 'nightmare' the mother experiences is of her own making. she has shown herself to be the heartless one in this relationship.

She has shown herself to be the heartless one?

this is only based on OPs perspective here. I seriously doubt everything is exactly as he has described and I’m sure there are two sides to this story

Of curse there are two sides to the story. There are as many sides to any story as there are people telling it.

That could be said of every single thread started on here.

When.women post about their hsubands, do you also doubt the veracity of their accounts?

Exactly. This thread has been unusual in that it's taken a while for someone to doubt the father's story. Usually the "I'd like to hear the other side of the story" post arrives in about five minutes, when a man posts about the mother of his chld.

A mother's story is barely ever questioned.

I don’t think people are advocating that dad has ‘full control and take a child away from their mum’, a couple of people have said he needs to prepare for this possibility, based on the mum’s very concerning behaviour.

I think it would be best for the child, and helpful for both parents, to bring the anxiety levels down on both sides. If both parents are anxious it's no surprise the kid is clingy.
There is a lot of catastrophising here about homeschooling and moving away based on nothing much at all. If the kid is already in nursery (not compulsory) it's not all that likely the mother won't agree to send her to school.
If a mother has the kid 50:50 plus nursery, it makes sense she wants to do stuff with her at home the rest of the time, it's not like the kid is locked in the attic. As the kid grows up she'll ask for playdates and stuff, but she is young for all that yet.
If a child that age sees her anxiety makes the parents anxious, it will make her more, not less anxious. It's important to relax around the child.
Best course of action is probably to schedule a time to discuss schools. If that goes well, all good. If not, schedule a meeting with a mediator. It's way too early to discuss court, and probably unnecessary.

Op has zero evidence whatsoever that his DDs mother is a flight risk and posters are encouraging him to go for a full residence order.

Anxiety doesn't make you a bad parent.

Anxiety doesn't make you a bad parent.

No. Not inherently. Although the ways in which a person behaves in response to that anxiety can.

Op has zero evidence whatsoever that his DDs mother is a flight risk

Again, no, but the ability to appraise situations, infer, deduce and make predictions about possible future outcomes based upon the present situation is a skill taught to primary school children so not necessarily a bad thing either.

It's how adults assess potential risk.

We don't have to wait for the bad thing to happen or not happen. We can mitigate against it.

I agree that some posters get over invested and forget that there are real lives behind the thread but I also think the OP has enough concerns for him to realistically consider this might happen.

Anxiety that means that you don't allow your baby's father to hold her for 14 months (and would have been longer had he not left and got 50/50 access) absolutely does make you a bad parent.

And if it was a man who didn't let his wife hold their child for 14 months, this thread would be explosive.

I think people are advocating for the father as the mother's behaviour appears to be very unreasonable and not in the child's best interests necessarily