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Original poster

To cut my sister off for this?

104 replies

nosisterlybond · 14/09/2024 07:21

I have sister who’s 5 years younger than me and who I don’t really speak to. It’s been like this since we were children, we never really had a bond. And it’s not because of age, I have another sister who’s 10 years younger than me and we’re really close. Im close to all my other siblings and cousins, and we speak daily.

So 10 years ago we got into an argument because of hearsay, I told her last year we should forget about it and start fresh, she agreed. I was hoping this would be the start of building our relationship, but couple months ago something happened to me, I was distraught and I feel like even a colleague would reach out, but she didn’t, thankfully I had my family who supported me through it.

I was shocked as to why she didn’t even reach out to me, no calls, text or anything just silence. I mentioned it to my other sister that I thought it was weird, she asked her and my sister explained that she wanted to leave me alone because everyone else was talking to me about it and she in her mind didn’t think it was the best time to talk as I was “too stressed “ The thing is everyday she would ask my other family members who supported me about my situation and getting daily updates, but she doesn’t reach out herself to talk to me or ask me anything about the situation.

It’s now turned in to this where she’s annoyed that I’m going around talking to the family about why she hasn’t talked to me.

She has still to this day not spoken to me, and I have children she doesn’t speak to or have any bond with. We could easily go years and years without speaking, because we don’t see each other and don’t live in the same area. Everything she knows about my life is through our family. Prior to my situation I would text or call her to but it’s hard to keep a conversation going because we don’t really have much to talk about and I don’t think she’s putting in any effort to build our relationship.

I’m really hurt that she didn’t reach out about my situation, because I know I would call her if it happened to her. I don’t even think she would care if I died tomorrow because we don’t have a bond and we don’t speak.
I’m getting to the point where I’m just tired trying to keep building a relationship with someone that don’t care.

What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 14/09/2024 07:25

It’s now turned in to this where she’s annoyed that I’m going around talking to the family about why she hasn’t talked to me.

i think she is right about this, and you put your other sister into an awkward situation making her the middle woman.

It is obvious that the two of you are never going to get along for whatever reason and that’s fine. But I don’t think her not reaching out is that bad really, a lot of people don’t want lots of people making a fuss around things so don’t make a fuss for others. Neither is right or wrong just different approaches.

ReadWithScepticism · 14/09/2024 07:27

"she wanted to leave me alone because everyone else was talking to me about it and she in her mind didn’t think it was the best time to talk as I was too stressed “
"everyday she would ask my other family members who supported me about my situation and getting daily updates,"

That sounds like she cares. Is it possible that your sensitivity about the nature of your "bond" is making the whole business of contacting you fraught for her? Especially since she is aware that you are "going around talking to the family about why she hasn’t talked to me."

I would ease up on her. Be more tolerant, less ready to put the worst interpretation on her behaviour.

SophiaJ8 · 14/09/2024 07:28

She didn’t reach out to you, you didn’t reach out to her. You clearly just don’t get on. Cut her off if you want, doesn’t sound like there’s much to cut off. Not sure why you have to make it official though.

Daffydoll · 14/09/2024 07:30

It sounds like she does care as she was asking other family members about you. She feels annoyed now as you have been bringing other family members into it and saying she doesn’t care. It’s hard to know without knowing what this particular situation was. But I do think she could have at least texted if it is something that she knew you were really affected by.

gamerchick · 14/09/2024 07:31

She obviously doesn't want a close bond. I certainly don't with my siblings. But then my family don't gossip about each other so I'd probably not even find out of they were having a tough time.

If you're going around slagging her off, shes not going to suddenly pop up to fit into the mould you have ready for her. If we set someone a test, we can't complain if they fail.

You can either accept the relationship she's offering or just let it drift. There's no law saying families have to be close.

Sorry you're having a hard one and glad you're being supported through it.

Violetmoonbeam · 14/09/2024 07:39

Sounds to me like she cares, hence asking family how you're doing, but is afraid to approach you for fear of getting it wrong and getting her head bitten off.

Original poster
nosisterlybond · 14/09/2024 07:43

ReadWithScepticism · 14/09/2024 07:27

"she wanted to leave me alone because everyone else was talking to me about it and she in her mind didn’t think it was the best time to talk as I was too stressed “
"everyday she would ask my other family members who supported me about my situation and getting daily updates,"

That sounds like she cares. Is it possible that your sensitivity about the nature of your "bond" is making the whole business of contacting you fraught for her? Especially since she is aware that you are "going around talking to the family about why she hasn’t talked to me."

I would ease up on her. Be more tolerant, less ready to put the worst interpretation on her behaviour.

That's what my sister said too. But I don't see it as her caring, I just see it as her being nosy about my situation and wanting to know what's going on without talking to me.

And her excuse of not reaching out makes no sense to me, so if her friends or other family members are going through something she's not going to reach out because other people have reached out and she doesn't want to stress the person out?

And even if that's how she really felt, why not reach out now that she knows how I feel? This is why I say her excuse does not make sense. It's just an excuse to me.

She speaks to the rest of the family, but our relationship is nonexistent. I know we will never have a close bond, but I at least expected some sort of relationship.

OP posts:
Gimmeabreak2025 · 14/09/2024 07:48

Relationships need to be worked on there’s clearly a break down of communication but you both seem to care about the lack of bond. Cutting her off is rather dramatic under the circumstances and will likely cause your family and especially your parents a lot of unnecessary upset.

Sirzy · 14/09/2024 07:48

so if she had reached out would that have been just being nosy too?

from your posts it sounds like she couldn’t win no matter what she did.

GRex · 14/09/2024 08:08

I think you're pushing too hard here. It won't work to apply pressure that she needs to meet some standard of behaviour that you alone set. There is nothing wrong with having a cordial, light and pleasant relationship when you meet. It doesn't matter if you don't speak for a year. Turning her lower-than- you-want contact into a family drama and manufactured argument is going to upset everyone, and what do you think it will it achieve exactly?

Kitkatfiend31 · 14/09/2024 08:11

nosisterlybond · 14/09/2024 07:43

That's what my sister said too. But I don't see it as her caring, I just see it as her being nosy about my situation and wanting to know what's going on without talking to me.

And her excuse of not reaching out makes no sense to me, so if her friends or other family members are going through something she's not going to reach out because other people have reached out and she doesn't want to stress the person out?

And even if that's how she really felt, why not reach out now that she knows how I feel? This is why I say her excuse does not make sense. It's just an excuse to me.

She speaks to the rest of the family, but our relationship is nonexistent. I know we will never have a close bond, but I at least expected some sort of relationship.

Show quote history

You have different views to her. That doesn't make her wrong just different. You need to stop expecting her to behave as you want her to and spend some time learning about, and accepting her as she is.

Arthurnewyorkcity · 14/09/2024 08:15

My mother had a scan for cancer. The whole family were acting like she had it and constantly hounding her. I chose not to.. we didn't know she had it (turns out she didnt) and I didn't need to make a big deal out of it. My mum had a go at me for being uncaring.... I was worried sick but not doing theatrics... you sound hard work and I would be really annoyed that you went to the sister/middle person rather than direct. She doesn't need to prove she cared at a standard you set. I think you've put a grey cloud over all your interactions and now see the worst. Why can't you just be friendly enough when you see each other. Daily communication is unnecessary even with close family, your sister may not need something so full on

vivainsomnia · 14/09/2024 08:15

You're judging her choices and behaviours on how you would have behaved if the roles were reversed. This is wrong. Not everyone assessed situations and what is best for the other person the same way.

In her mind, she thought she was doing the right thing. Maybe she felt awkward contacting you and worried you'd feel she was being intrusive since you are not close.

You are both guilty of expecting the other to behave how they would themselves.

You are different and need to respect that. Otherwise, you're definitely never going to find a middle way.

pictoosh · 14/09/2024 08:19

Sirzy · 14/09/2024 07:48

so if she had reached out would that have been just being nosy too?

from your posts it sounds like she couldn’t win no matter what she did.

Think I agree with this.

Your sister has a point in that sometimes a person who is stressed or traumatised doesn't want multiple people clustering around fussing. I am like that.
She asked after you and stayed up to date.

Now you're stirring the shit by talking about it to everyone else, painting her in a bad light.
If she didn't contact you in the way you would have preferred, speak to her like the adult you are. Other people can't help you with it. It's not for them to get involved and/or take sides.

UltramarineViolet · 14/09/2024 08:19

It's unlikely that you are suddenly going to become really close as adults when you never have been before so I would just accept the relationship for what it is

No need to 'cut her off' or force a bond that doesn't exist.

I don't really understand your logic though. If she contacted you directly about a situation you would see that as caring but if she asks after you via family then she is being nosy??

SpagBolBowl · 14/09/2024 08:19

If we are talking standards I think the only reason to cut family off is because you have experienced verbal physical or emotional abuse and you feel threatened by it that it may happen again. That is an entirely valid reason. If you are having a hard time and this situation is stressing you out, just detach from it. You and only you can put your boundaries up. If you don't want to discuss her then change the subject when family bring her up. All that will happen is that over time you will eventually be persuaded by family to reach out which you will do at which point she probably won't reply as she will feel you cut her off and therefore the relationship has ended without you having had to have made it some dramatic thing that everyone around you felt that had to tread on eggshells over and she was able to get on with her life in the meantime. Let it go with love.

ManhattanPopcorn · 14/09/2024 08:22

You are putting yourself in her position and thinking what would I do (which is reasonable) but she's not you. She doesn't think like you.

A little tolerance on both sides would go a long way.

PrimalOwl10 · 14/09/2024 08:27

What her relationship like with your other sister are they closer?

softmauve · 14/09/2024 08:42

If you want a relationship with her then just draw a line in the sand and start a new conversation going forward.
No need to have postmortems about the past, it won't solve anything.
Be the bigger person and message her today just with general news. Try and grow a friendship from there.

ItsAShame2 · 14/09/2024 08:45

I think you are just different people and you need to give your head a wobble and realise that. you don't have to be best buddies but being civil for the sake of the rest of the family is important if you can manage that.

LynetteScavo · 14/09/2024 08:48

"Cutting her off" sounds a bit dramatic. If you don't want to keep pushing g a relationship then don't, I don't think there's any need to make it a big deal. She gave you space while asking others who you were, so she obviously cares. You are now grumbling about her to others, which doesn't paint you in the best light. If you would heave liked her to come tact you, you should kindly point that out to her. But I think you've already decided to "cut her off", and I'm wondering if this is actually a reverse.

MzHz · 14/09/2024 08:54

Sounds like she knows she’s supposed to show that she cares.

but she really doesn’t- or begrudges comforting to you because it would make you feel better.

my own mother would wax lyrical about how much she cared about me, how worried she was about me and all of the wonderful things she’d done to save/rescue me.

except she did the exact opposite. Would ignore me for weeks at a time, total fucking denial about how badly she went out of her way to avoid any form of niceness directly to me. Even making a fuss of my abusive ex.

the issues here @nosisterlybond are that YOU have expectations or some kind of empty hope that in spite of all the years of evidence that she’s not there for you, that she’ll miraculously change her entire behaviour

that’s on you. That’s your expectations.

you and her have no bond, no relationship and no likelihood of ever having one.

Stop expecting anything of her, stop talking about her and if your family start, tell them that you don’t buy her story, but your bored of it all now and at least you know that there’s nothing you can do to fix this, and actually you don’t want to.

then just drop it, drop her and leave it all behind.

TheDrunkenClam · 14/09/2024 08:56

So the relationship was tentative at best following your argument over ‘hearsay’ ten years ago @nosisterlybond (which I’d be interested to know more about tbh as I’d bet it is impacting on where your relationship is now)
Your sister checked in (via family) so obviously cares, but because she wasn’t in your face or checking in to your invisible standards you want to cut her off? OK…

DesigningWoman · 14/09/2024 08:58

Sirzy · 14/09/2024 07:25

It’s now turned in to this where she’s annoyed that I’m going around talking to the family about why she hasn’t talked to me.

i think she is right about this, and you put your other sister into an awkward situation making her the middle woman.

It is obvious that the two of you are never going to get along for whatever reason and that’s fine. But I don’t think her not reaching out is that bad really, a lot of people don’t want lots of people making a fuss around things so don’t make a fuss for others. Neither is right or wrong just different approaches.

This. I appreciate being left alone, and it’s not as though she wasn’t thinking about you, she decided to leave you in peace.

I’m not sure I see the point of ‘cutting her off’ when you don’t really have a relationship, anyway, and she lives a long way away. I don’t see the issue. I’m from a big family and have completely different relationships with all my siblings. Some I’m less close to.

ViciousCurrentBun · 14/09/2024 08:58

Do you not like her because as a child you were pushed out as the youngest ? Similar age gap to me and my younger sister and I remember feeling like this but I’m honest with myself about it and therefore tackled it.

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