To cut my sister off for this?

[nosisterlybond]

I have sister who’s 5 years younger than me and who I don’t really speak to. It’s been like this since we were children, we never really had a bond. And it’s not because of age, I have another sister who’s 10 years younger than me and we’re really close. Im close to all my other siblings and cousins, and we speak daily.

So 10 years ago we got into an argument because of hearsay, I told her last year we should forget about it and start fresh, she agreed. I was hoping this would be the start of building our relationship, but couple months ago something happened to me, I was distraught and I feel like even a colleague would reach out, but she didn’t, thankfully I had my family who supported me through it.

I was shocked as to why she didn’t even reach out to me, no calls, text or anything just silence. I mentioned it to my other sister that I thought it was weird, she asked her and my sister explained that she wanted to leave me alone because everyone else was talking to me about it and she in her mind didn’t think it was the best time to talk as I was “too stressed “ The thing is everyday she would ask my other family members who supported me about my situation and getting daily updates, but she doesn’t reach out herself to talk to me or ask me anything about the situation.

It’s now turned in to this where she’s annoyed that I’m going around talking to the family about why she hasn’t talked to me.

She has still to this day not spoken to me, and I have children she doesn’t speak to or have any bond with. We could easily go years and years without speaking, because we don’t see each other and don’t live in the same area. Everything she knows about my life is through our family. Prior to my situation I would text or call her to but it’s hard to keep a conversation going because we don’t really have much to talk about and I don’t think she’s putting in any effort to build our relationship.

I’m really hurt that she didn’t reach out about my situation, because I know I would call her if it happened to her. I don’t even think she would care if I died tomorrow because we don’t have a bond and we don’t speak.
I’m getting to the point where I’m just tired trying to keep building a relationship with someone that don’t care.

What would you do in my situation?

I’m sorry but you seem like hard work yourself.

I agree with this.

Look your coming across as a demanding bully whos creating drama out of nothing because you just dont like her.
i could very well be wrong here but I'm going to guess that you were an only child until your sister came alone and at age 5 suddenly not being the centre of attention anymore really put your nose out of joint and you've never truly got over it and you still blame your "annoying" little sister for everything. Hence your creating another family rift and trying to make family members pick sides again, 1st you don't speak to her for 10 years because of a rumour which she denied yet you chose to believe because she couldn't possibly be telling the truth right. Then you suddenly decide to forgive her out of the blue for your imagined crime, only to create more drama because she didn't show what you deem to be a suitable level of concern for you, and now you're using your youngest sister as a flying monkey whilst running round the wide family slagging her off.
Ofcourse she's justifiably angry with you. When are you going to get over yourself and give your poor sister and wider family a break from your endless drama

As you don’t have much of a relationship, cutting her off won’t really change much. It just means you won’t reach out to her, as it sounds like she doesn’t reach out to you anyway.

But it also sounds like you do want a relationship with her or you would just put her out of your mind. What has she said to family members - does she also wish things were different? If you both do then there’s still time to improve things, although you may have to do much of the work. But if she’s not bothered, it’s better to let sleeping dogs die and not try to force it, or you’ll end up feeling worse about the situation

@nosisterlybond You really don’t have a relationship with this sister, so just leave it like that, no point in making it official.

I don’t get on with my brother, he was particularly awful to me when dm died 13 years ago, to the extent he tried to get something she had specifically left in her Will to me and was shouting threateningly down the phone at me and was also particularly awful to my dd. He also tried to challenge her Will because of it, which obviously wasn’t successful.

I think I saw him twice, maybe thrice in the following 9 years at family events, but we didn’t connect. When my dh died 4 years ago I saw him at the funeral (but we didn’t speak). I have only seen him once since then, where he tried to re-kindle a relationship. However as far as I am concerned it was too little too late. I don’t have a relationship with him (but I haven’t officially cut him off as that takes energy), and that suits me fine.

@Hoardasurass I think you could be spot on.

And her excuse of not reaching out makes no sense to me, so if her friends or other family members are going through something she's not going to reach out because other people have reached out and she doesn't want to stress the person out?

Because when a bad thing happens it can often be hard for the person affected to deal with the emotions of the other people less affected. A horrible accident happened to my friends a few years ago and I was conscious of not making them deal with my emotions about it. Although I did offer support.

And even if that's how she really felt, why not reach out now that she knows how I feel? This is why I say her excuse does not make sense. It's just an excuse to me.

Because now it's all got awkward and blame is flying around and it feels like she's only doing it because you told her too and that feels funny.

I don’t think she sounds cold at all; she wouldn’t have cared enough to check up with your family if she hadn’t cared. And after a ten year estrangement, it could have appeared like she’d just been wanting to involve herself if she’d contacted you. She probably thought you’d be too stressed and worried to deal with her contacting you.

Just accept that you are very different people who see things differently and who react differently. Stop expecting her to feel the same way you do about everything. Send her a card at Christmas and text her on her birthday. If you see her at a family thing, smile, ask her how she is and tell her it was lovely to catch up with her. And that is all it needs to be. There’s no need for any declarations of a feud, or ‘I’m never talking to you again’.

You’re both adults, so bloody grow up, because you sound like a pair of 8 year olds at the moment. ‘Mum, she looked at me funny, I hate her’ 🙄

If you were really happy with how your relationship is with your sister, you wouldn't be posting here in the first place.

She also doesn't sound "cold as ice" or like she doesn't care, it sounds like she knows she can't live up to your standards so she finds it easier not to bother.

@Hoardasurass you are probably spot on.

My guess is that the sister couldn’t be arsed with OP’s drama and wqnting family to pick a side. Trying to make her the black sheep. I don’t blame her.

I don't know why we didn't get on as children, I used to think she was annoying but so did everyone else.

OP you come across as being cruel as fuck. This sentence says everything about you, and not your sister. Grow up.

I think you need to relax and just accept it for what it is. It sounds like neither of you particularly like each other.

You only get one family. If you don't want to awkwardness, and for everyone else's sakes, can't you just be laid back and accept that you can be kind and open to each other without needing to be close?

Stop trying to force something, it's making it worse.

I was getting this impression too.

You even had to say it twice.

Are you hoping she will be reading this? If you are then your snide comments backfired.

My brother is more like your sister and I actually really appreciate the way he is. I hate people fussing and I'd have hated everyone asking me all the same questions, what's going on etc. He knows that if I need anything then I'd reach out to him.

People are different and it sounds like you and your sister are different, you've got to stop expecting her to act the way you do. Neither of you two are wrong, just different.

Ask yourself a very hard question. If she was seriously ill, maybe even dead, would you support her, would you go to her funeral?

Whatever you think you will do will determine whether or not you actually want to have any kind of relationship. Petty grievances, whether real or suspected can be so toxic, and are extremely upsetting for other family members who have to pussyfoot around whatever is going on. You don’t have to see each other much, you don’t have to text, message or even take an interest in each other much, just be polite and civil if you can. And using other family members to be a go between, passing on this, that or the other really isn’t the best way to create harmony.

This.

Why can't you just carry on as you are?

What would a 'cut off' involve? How would it be of benefit?

It’s hard to know without knowing the exact situation but your post makes you sounds like a drama queen if I’m honest. There’s no need to cut someone off for not being super close. Just accept the relationship (or lack of) for what it is. You wish each other well but don’t need to be in constant contact. That’s fine.

I've got a few younger siblings - big age gap and haven't had anything to do with them since they were kids. That's near,y 30 years ago now.
They have kids, I don't, but I don't really care what they tell them about me because I don't want a relationship with them either.

Just like your sister doesn't want a relationship with you.

I think you’re being massively overdramatic about it and that’s probably why she hasn’t contacted you since.

You’re not close so she felt another message to reply to would stress you out more than it would help. I would have thought the same in her situation

You’re now making a massive deal out of the fact she didn’t handle it the same way you would have and that’s making it awkward for her to communicate with you

I think this sums it up nicely.

Can I ask why you don't want a relationship with your siblings and their children?

Our family is so close so I will see her one way or the other.

This just feels really hard work. Don’t’cut her off’ and make this a drama. Just stop making every contact with her such a big deal.

Not everyone wants that type of close relationship. Tbh your type of ‘closeness’ seems suffocating and unpleasant to navigate lest you put a foot wrong. No thank you.

Personally, if I was going through something the last thing I would want is multiple people contacting me in the name of ‘caring’. I would absolutely want to be left alone to process until I was ready to reach out, and I would appreciate those that allowed me that space.

That isn’t what you want, fine, but it doesn’t read like your sister had bad intentions here at all. You seem like you’re itching to start a fight though.

Jeezo you sound like hard work. Your poor sister has done very little wrong.